FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be sexy and take off my clothes with his teeth. He ended up biting my leg. FML

by NotsexyEnough / 11/22/2009 at 10:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML

by Sam / 11/22/2009 at 8:35pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, while looking through a stack of possible pictures for Facebook, I found one I really liked, until I noticed that I have recently developed a bald patch. Problem? I am a 22 year old woman. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2009 at 5:13pm / United States (Wyoming) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

by anonymous / 11/22/2009 at 3:23pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, my family sat me down and told me I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. My boyfriend has been away in Iraq for six months and just came home a week ago. FML

by gj09 / 11/22/2009 at 3:03pm / United States / Love

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

by trying2breathe / 11/22/2009 at 11:49am / United States (Arizona) / Transportation

Today, I was finally able to hang out with a girl I really liked at a party. We had a great time and spent hours together. When I leaned in for a kiss at the end of the night, she stopped me and said that "you're a great guy, but we can't go out because you'll be bad for my social reputation." FML

by Jason / 11/22/2009 at 10:11am / United States (New Hampshire) / Love

Today, I helped an old man with his groceries, because he was struggling and he had a cane. After, I was nice enough to drive him home. He went to thank me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stuck his tongue out, and tried to French kiss me. FML

by mjperfetti84 / 11/22/2009 at 8:53am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my manager sent me a text message with a picture of Santa masturbating, with a message that said he wished me a white Christmas. FML

by lonewolf2701 / 11/22/2009 at 4:15am / United States / Intimacy

Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML

by Arachnaphobic / 11/22/2009 at 3:35am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2009 at 2:31am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I got diagnosed with stomach ulcers. They are very painful, and I have been throwing up blood. On my latest trip to the toilet, I was heaving and the pain was making me beat the floor with my fist, the toilet lid decided to come crashing down on my head, giving me a minor concussion. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2009 at 11:12pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML

by gbabyy / 11/21/2009 at 10:25pm / United States (New York) / Animals