FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my husband is completely convinced that his taking a massive dump after being constipated is exactly like the time I gave birth to our twins. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2010 at 11:32am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2010 at 6:48am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my pet hedgehog thought it would be funny to roll around in the kitty litter. It was like washing a poopy cactus. FML

by StinkyCactus / 01/08/2010 at 1:23am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boss told me when I transfer to a Target in Orlando I should work in the clothing department. He said it would be a good way for me to meet chicks. I told him all the girls who work in clothing in that store are ugly as hell. Apparently his daughters work there. I never knew that. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2010 at 12:39am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was texting this guy that I hooked up with yesterday. We were gonna do it again but he had basketball practice. I was talking to my friend about it, and sent her a text saying "Oh well. I have explosive diarrhea anyways." She wasn't replying, so I checked my sent box. I sent it to him. FML

by weeble_wobbles09 / 01/08/2010 at 12:09am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

by oopsies / 01/07/2010 at 8:07pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

by SlappyMcGee / 01/07/2010 at 7:19pm / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, while in class, I noticed that someone had really bad B.O. I was seated next to an extremely ill-mannered girl, so I figured it was her, and thought to myself that if it happened again, I'd tell her off. Once I got home and took off my jacket, I realized it was me. I forgot to put on deodorant. FML

by Anonymous / 01/07/2010 at 4:44pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

by Anonymous / 01/07/2010 at 1:56pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was looking forward to coming home to a freshly-cooked meal. Coming home to a cowering dog, two inches of water on the floor, and being handed a mop is just as good, I guess. FML

by Flooded / 01/07/2010 at 1:38pm / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was going over some paperwork with my back to my office door. As I turn around, my boss enters and says my name loudly. I was startled so bad that I jumped, yelped, and a high-pitched fart snuck out. Everyone in the office now gives prior notice before dropping by the "fart guy's" office. FML

by Mic / 01/07/2010 at 12:44pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

by Sanchez / 01/07/2010 at 12:22pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was going to the bathroom. As I was about to wipe, I noticed that the toilet paper had butterflies printed on it. Never before had I felt bad for wiping my ass. FML

by Doomy / 01/07/2010 at 9:43am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous