FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter was looking at a magazine cover with a well endowed model showing off her clevage. She looked at me and said, "Mommy, when I grow up will I have big round boobies like her or tiny pointy ones like you?" FML

by andy / 01/01/2010 at 9:12am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I thought my family would like it if I celebrated the new year with them. My brother thought that I'd like him to shoot my butt with his new gun in celebration. FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2010 at 5:29am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, it is New Year's Day. While all of my friends are out partying, I stayed home and mastered level 34 on FarmVille. FML

by thatsjustlovely / 01/01/2010 at 3:16am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was forced to spend New Years Eve with my strict/conservative parents in the middle of nowhere in Illinois. If I had nothing else, I looked forward to watching the ball drop in NYC. As the seconds counted down the T.V. shut off. Parental controls shut down cable at midnight. FML

by Anonymous / 01/01/2010 at 2:11am / United States / Holidays

Today, my sister-in-law asked why I wasn't out partying with my friends to celebrate the new year. My mom then asked "What friends?". Ah, the new year begins. FML

by nobffs / 01/01/2010 at 1:10am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was with my boyfriend of two months, hoping this would be our night of the first kiss. I was so excited when the ball started to drop. When it hit "0", I turned to him, hoping for a kiss, and saw him making out with another girl. He didn't even turn around. FML

by ItSucks / 01/01/2010 at 12:12am / United States (Ohio) / Love

Today, I met my boyfriends mother for the first time and hoped to make a good first impression. When I tried to say 'Hello', a loud rippling burp comes up from my throat. And not only that. A small chunk of mucus flies out and lands on the floor between us. So much for a good first impression. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2009 at 7:06pm / United States (Hawaii) / Animals

Today, a man proposed to me in classic style on one knee. Unfortunately, I have been telling this man for the last two months that I don't even want to date him. He thinks I'm playing hard to get and is not giving up. FML

by Unloving / 12/31/2009 at 4:47pm / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to the DMV to take my drivers test. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2009 at 3:10pm / United States (Nevada) / Transportation

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

by pottypattypeepants / 12/31/2009 at 3:04pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

by lifesux / 12/31/2009 at 12:33pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, after I got in my car in the Walmart parking lot, a creepy man knocked on my window. Since I'm incredibly paranoid and scare easily, I put my car in gear and tore out of there, accidentally hitting another car. Apparently he was returning my phone that I dropped. FML

by ParanoidFreak / 12/31/2009 at 4:31am / United States (South Carolina) / Transportation

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

by Anonymous / 12/31/2009 at 3:06am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous