FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

by sexxibxmami / 02/19/2010 at 1:24pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 7:03am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

by OMGraven / 02/19/2010 at 3:24am / United States (Georgia) / Animals

Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

by GeneralElement / 02/19/2010 at 1:32am / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

by grrrrrr / 02/19/2010 at 1:18am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was complaining to my roommate that I never get asked out. Then, at work, a mentally challenged man left me his phone number on his pay ticket. Well, I guess I can't complain about never getting asked out. FML

by Anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 12:31am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my little sister walked in on me and my boyfriend. I told her I would give her 10$ if she just pretended it never happened. She agreed, walked out and shut the door. Later, when my parents arrived, she yells: "Nicole and Joe were naked upstairs!" FML

by ohemgee23 / 02/19/2010 at 12:31am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for half an hour. The entire time, a man I had gone on a date with and that had gotten very out of hand with, was sitting in the car next to me. I noticed, panicked, and tried to drive off, rear-ending the car in front of me. FML

by Skankeriffic / 02/19/2010 at 12:13am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got banned from my boyfriend's house for being an "insurance liability." FML

by Anonymous / 02/18/2010 at 10:06pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed my house smells a lot like my grandma's. Not because we use the same cleaning products or anything like that, but because I'm slowly turning into a crazy cat lady. FML

by Anonymous / 02/18/2010 at 9:20pm / United States (Michigan) / Animals

Today, I chuckled at a "no smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML

by kaycie_lynn / 02/18/2010 at 8:11pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to help my dad remove a splinter. From his butt. FML

by Anonymous / 02/18/2010 at 7:44pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I finished my classwork and my homework early. Since we weren't allowed to leave the room, I decided to draw. My teacher noticed and gave me detention for "goofing off" when I should be doing my work. When I told the teacher I was already done, they gave me a second detention for "attempting to defy them". FML

by fannylover / 02/18/2010 at 3:12pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous