FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

by Anonymous / 04/06/2016 at 12:59pm / United States (Connecticut) / Intimacy

Today, I got mugged by a fake hooker. FML

by Anonymous / 04/06/2016 at 10:31am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I confronted my very passive-aggressive roommate about taking out the trash. With a smug smile, she insisted that I should write her a letter if I want to argue. FML

by Upfront / 04/06/2016 at 1:19am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I met my neighbor. When she saw me cutting down trees on my lot, she interrogated me and called the police because she didn't believe I owned the property. She didn't call the cops when she watched someone steal a cord of wood from my property two days ago. FML

by nothingtoseeherejuststealingtrees / 04/05/2016 at 4:31pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was trying to fix a stapler, but it turns out it wasn't broken at all. It wouldn't staple a small stack of papers but had no trouble stapling through my finger. FML

by tatertotes13 / 04/05/2016 at 1:37pm / United States (Massachusetts) /

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was drunk and sent my friend a picture of my penis. He edited the picture and put hands and sunglasses on it before sending it to practically everyone I know. FML

Today, I tried a DIY face mask that involved using turmeric spice. After keeping it on for 20 minutes, I tried washing it off, but I couldn't get rid of the orange residue it had left behind. Guess who's going to work tomorrow looking like an Oompa Loompa. FML

by Oliveisthenewora / 04/05/2016 at 1:55am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I met a cute girl. She seemed really sweet and I was heartbroken to find out that she had fallen on hard times and was living in a shelter. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. She said, "No." I can't even get a date with a homeless girl. FML

by foreverAlone / 04/04/2016 at 3:40pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I asked a girl to prom by having 5 friends hold up signs saying "P-R-O-M-?" while I snuck up behind her. She said yes... to my friend holding the "?", who she thought was the one asking her. FML

by promposer / 04/04/2016 at 2:55pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I have always been terrified of stinkbugs. As I was cleaning out my horse trailer, I looked up and saw a stinkbug. In my startled attempt to turn around and run, I tripped, fell into an old plastic bin. I landed face first into a nice little pile of dead stinkbugs. FML

by mmaarrrggoo / 04/03/2016 at 11:19pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I discovered that the vitamin I've been taking for hair growth actually works really well. Unfortunately, it only works on my leg hair. FML

by anonymous / 04/03/2016 at 5:50pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I found a bowl of green beans just sitting in my microwave. The only person in my life who ever eats green beans is my psycho ex-girlfriend. She moved out three months ago. FML

by now afraid... / 04/03/2016 at 1:28pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, the guy I've been seeing asked me to have a threesome. With his girlfriend. FML

by emi / 04/03/2016 at 1:18pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy