FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I got to sleep in the same bed as the love of my life...and her new boyfriend. FML

by hoody / 01/22/2010 at 5:27pm / United States / Love

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

by Funnymann / 01/22/2010 at 3:51pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to contest a parking ticket in court. I came out 3 hours later, all charges clear, to a new parking ticket on my windshield, for the same amount I just got cleared. FML

by sdfsdf / 01/22/2010 at 11:28am / United States (Rhode Island) / Transportation

Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML

by S.Bunny / 01/22/2010 at 3:14am / United States (New York) / Animals

Today, I was sitting in IHOP with my girlfriend of six months when she brought in her son of three years she had neglected to tell me about, and asked 'Does this change things?' FML

by Rodrigeuz26 / 01/22/2010 at 2:26am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

by HotelClerk / 01/22/2010 at 1:37am / United States (Minnesota) / Transportation

Today, at work I was ringing up some tampons for a woman, and I try to interact with the shoppers as much as possible. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say but drew a blank, so I decided just to say "have a nice night." What I actually said was "have a nice flow". FML

by iluvjenknee / 01/22/2010 at 1:26am / United States (Wisconsin) / Work

Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML

by masterzach21 / 01/22/2010 at 1:25am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex had used for our relationship during a year of cohabitation was taken directly from a Cesar Millan book on "How to train dogs." FML

by housebroken / 01/22/2010 at 1:17am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, I thought it would be romantic to fill my girlfriend's room with scented candles and surprise her when she was done showering. I lied there naked, with Kenny G playing softly. I heard a knock on the door, so I told her to come in. To my surprise it was her mom. FML

by Toldyouso / 01/22/2010 at 1:16am / United States (Nevada) / Intimacy

Today, I spent 3 hours in my home recording studio. I was recording vocals and was trying to hit a very hard series of notes. I nailed it after 2 hours and listened. You can hear the vocals, but the EQ settings were tweaked in just the right way where you can hear my dog licking his nuts. FML

by Parental / 01/22/2010 at 12:08am / United States (Wisconsin) / Animals

Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML

by Anonymous / 01/22/2010 at 12:02am / United States (Nevada) / Love

Today, I was at my work. To urge people to be generous, I paid my friends to put 15 bucks in the tip jar while saying how great I was. He did this about ten times throughout the day. Turns out, us employees don't get to keep the tips. FML

by Anonymous / 01/21/2010 at 9:49pm / United States (California) / Money