FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I snuck out of work 2 hours early. As I was speeding away so I wouldn't be seen, I rear-ended my boss as he was leaving the lower parking lot for a late lunch. FML

by Ilovelife07 / 01/14/2010 at 10:14am / United States (Massachusetts) / Transportation

Today, while at a bar a woman of about 40 came up to me and asked me to dance, and being only 20 I thought I had met the perfect "cougar" for a one night stand. After a few up-beat dances, a slower song came on and we continued to dance. She started sobbing and claimed I was the son she never had. FML

by indiansbaseball4 / 01/14/2010 at 3:27am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend went to jail for a DUI. In a panic, I rushed to go bail him out. On the way to the jail I was stopped for running a red light. I soon joined my boyfriend in jail with my very own DUI charge. FML

by mackenzie_cain / 01/14/2010 at 12:33am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was on the computer in the library on campus. I was facebook stalking this really cute girl that I often see on campus. As I'm looking at her profile pictures, I turn around and the girl is standing right behind me. She gave me a disgusted look and walked off. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2010 at 12:10am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

by meow / 01/13/2010 at 11:27pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Love

Today, I locked myself, drunk and naked, out of my hotel room. FML

by nekkiddrunk / 01/13/2010 at 9:04pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I realized that the amount of time it takes my boyfriend to get an erection takes longer than the actual sex. FML

by cantgetitupcantgetiton / 01/13/2010 at 8:02pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I was pointing out my car to my roommate. He responded with, "Oh that one with the broken window?" Turns out my car had been broken into. They took my CD player, GPS and Ipod. On top of that they left a Reese's Fastbreak wrapper and sunflower seeds on my front seat. FML

by Eli / 01/13/2010 at 7:08pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, I went on an interview for a job that I had been wanting for months. I thought everything was going great. On my way out, my interviewer asked me to recycle something for him. I agreed. It was my resume. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2010 at 7:05pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I did a 'dine and dash' and left my phone in the restaurant. The owner answered my phone call. FML

by Anonymous / 01/13/2010 at 4:41pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my brother and his friend ambushed me, tied me to a chair, and put a sock in my mouth. My mom found me 10 minutes later, took the sock out, and asked, "Why are you tied to a chair?" I told her what happened. She looked at me, laughed, stuffed the sock back in my mouth, and left. FML

by boundandgagged / 01/13/2010 at 2:36pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend told me men can't be trusted. I told her that wasn't true; I have my husband's password to his email but I never check it because I trust him. She bet me he was doing something bad, and to prove her wrong I looked. Turns out he has been cheating on me for 8 months. FML

by BetrayedGirl / 01/13/2010 at 7:40am / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, I found out where my favorite shirt has been for the last six months. My ex-fiancé's new girlfriend is wearing it. FML

by chasesd / 01/13/2010 at 4:29am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.