FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I saw boobs, in person, for the first time. Too bad they were my mom's and I'm 27. FML

by sad / 02/26/2010 at 2:17pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my dad. He met him after my boyfriend ran his truck into a tree, and my dad had to pick us up. FML

by canadiansun / 02/26/2010 at 1:37pm / United States (Ohio) / Transportation

Today, I missed points on a math quiz because I thought 2 times 5 was 20. I'm a math major. FML

by mathhhh / 02/26/2010 at 12:57pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I were going to have sex for the first time since having our baby, who was taking a nap. As soon as we lay down in bed, his mother rang saying she was five minutes away. FML

by Ineedit / 02/26/2010 at 12:46pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, while I was eating, a fly kept pissing me off. After three minutes of it buzzing around, I caught it and killed it. Then, without realizing it, I smeared its guts all over the front of my shirt. FML

by Shinobi_3 / 02/26/2010 at 12:43pm / United States (Illinois) / Animals

Today, I begged my husband to take me to the ER cause my stomach hurt so bad I thought I was gonna die. He told me to go sit on the toilet and stop being a drama queen. I drove myself to the hospital just in time for my appendix to burst. I almost died because my husband was busy playing xbox. FML

by Jeri / 02/26/2010 at 7:55am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my dog farted. Immediately, he turned around to sniff his stink then furiously licked his butthole. He then licked my nose. FML

by aaalias34 / 02/26/2010 at 6:13am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

by humiliated / 02/26/2010 at 5:21am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, a friend of mine sent me a message saying, "Man, I am so sorry but we were both really drunk and I swear it didn't mean anything." FML

by single now / 02/26/2010 at 12:07am / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out all the money my dad has been saving in the bank for me since birth has all been spent, by my mother who I haven't seen or talked to in about two years. FML

by Julia / 02/26/2010 at 12:04am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Money

Today, my mother who is 75 years old just told me and my sister that we are adopted. I'm 45 years old and my sister is 49. FML

by cmendez / 02/26/2010 at 12:02am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me. He told me he was cheating on me, and that he wanted to break up. I was so angry that as he left, I started screaming at him out of my second story apartment window. I picked up a huge potted plant and shoved it through the window at him. It missed my ex and hit my car. FML

by MUemma / 02/25/2010 at 7:33pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

by djshahso / 02/25/2010 at 7:14pm / United States / Health