FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was drinking from a water fountain. I bent over to sip the water and felt a HUGE slap on my ass. Completely confused, I turn around to see some guy with a horrified look on his face. Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend. And then I saw his girlfriend standing behind him. Giving me the evil eye. FML

by Anonymous / 01/21/2010 at 12:30am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got yelled at by one of my bosses. The reason? I was yawning. I work at Starbucks. Apparently I wasn't 'promoting' correctly. FML

by nichaneely / 01/21/2010 at 12:29am / United States (Tennessee) / Work

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

by Alicia / 01/21/2010 at 12:02am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, I was bet 100 dollars that I couldn't break a piece off a brick with my head. I couldn't, and I have 2 gashes in my head now. FML

by anonymous / 01/21/2010 at 12:02am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that I was being laid off via an email that wasn't even spell checked. FML

by TheoBuckner / 01/20/2010 at 10:31pm / United States (Michigan) / Work

Today, I forgot to take a certain medication that helps turn my lead logs into flaky floaters. So what happens? I'm in the restroom for 30 minutes, straining to go, and two girls walk in and start imitating me. FML

Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML

by showerpower / 01/20/2010 at 7:23pm / United States (Vermont) / Love

Today, I fell asleep after finishing my exam. I had a dream I was falling and woke up smashing my face on the desk. Everyone laughed. FML

by M_Kclift1994 / 01/20/2010 at 6:19pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Health

Today, while at my job, I walked past one of my colleagues who has been sick for the past couple of days. She knows that I'm a tea drinker and asked me for a tea bag. While conversing with her, I handed her one and left. I then later realized that I gave her a condom. FML

by PentiumBawls8 / 01/20/2010 at 5:38pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, after I drank way too much, my friend pulled the car over so I could throw up. Next to my pile of puke was a discarded shoe that looked remarkably like one from my favorite pair. When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was missing. FML

by Shoeless / 01/20/2010 at 3:16pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to treat my yeast infection over the counter to avoid going to the doctor. Too bad I didn't read the directions. Now I have to go to the doctor to get the tip of the applicator removed. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2010 at 1:21pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I lost my job to a girl that graduated with the same bachelor's degree from the same college as me. She also got a master's in an unrelated field. I've been working there 7 months, and her master's in maths apparently makes her a better athletic trainer than me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/20/2010 at 10:59am / United States / Work

Today, I boarded my flight and sat next to a man. I told him I had hoped he was a hot woman and he concurred. He said at least I wasn't obese and I replied "At least you aren't smelly". Minutes later I realize he had the most disgusting foot odour ever... the barefoot kind. I suffered for 11 hours. FML

by hatesmellyfeet / 01/20/2010 at 8:47am / United States (California) / Transportation