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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML

#284882
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51357) - you deserved it (26908)

On 03/12/2009 at 3:56pm - misc - by Noname - United States (California)

Today, I asked my parents if the outfit I was wearing made me look fat. My mom looked at me and paused for a while; my dad said, "Honey, that outfit doesn't make you look fat. Your fat makes you look fat." FML

#284763
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58459) - you deserved it (19381)

On 03/12/2009 at 3:49pm - health - by mugs (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML

#283028
284 comments

I agree, your life sucks (240713) - you deserved it (36567)

On 03/12/2009 at 1:53pm - intimacy - by sucks - United States

Today, I got a text message. My phone was sitting on the edge of the bed and set on vibrate, so it fell off. I reached down to grab my phone and fell off the bed. My macbook landed on top of me. I fractured my arm and broke my laptop to read a text from facebook. FML

#279648
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53126) - you deserved it (18336)

On 03/12/2009 at 5:06am - misc - by Noname - United States (Texas)

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

#278978
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (70106) - you deserved it (9853)

On 03/11/2009 at 8:30pm - misc - by MoneyMike (man) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, I was eating lunch naked at my home watching porn on the big screen. I heard the garage door opening meaning my roommate was coming home. In my haste to get dressed, I fell back in the barstool I was sitting in and knocked myself out. I woke up still naked and with lettuce all over me. FML

#278861
83 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21628) - you deserved it (71665)

On 03/11/2009 at 8:26pm - intimacy - by HansonLUVR (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

#278783
315 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49038) - you deserved it (93061)

On 03/11/2009 at 8:23pm - intimacy - by SpiderMan (man) - United States (Michigan)

Today, I was studying for a final when I noticed all I had was a blue highlighter. I decided to drive to the store to get a yellow one. On the way there, I got $200 worth of traffic tickets for not stopping at a stop sign. I basically spent $200 because I prefer yellow highlighters over blue. FML

#278452
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16368) - you deserved it (93585)

On 03/11/2009 at 8:09pm - money - by Noname (man) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was standing on a balcony smoking a cigarette when I noticed a woman giving me strange looks. When I put the cigarette out and went to walk inside she said "You shouldn't smoke while you're pregnant." I'm not pregnant. FML

#278323
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59763) - you deserved it (13186)

On 03/11/2009 at 8:04pm - misc - by justfat - United States (Arizona)

Today, I just finished having dinner with my boyfriend, so I leaned over to him and said seductively, "How about some dessert?" Obviously, he didn't catch my tone, because he then looked at me and said, "Babe, you really don't need it." FML

#274634
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62830) - you deserved it (8151)

On 03/11/2009 at 5:12pm - misc - by marshmallowssss (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to exchange presents for our birthdays. I spent $100 on perfume and Victoria's Secret clothes. She bought me a bag of lifesavers, then asked me to leave because she wanted to take a nap. FML

#274093
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63894) - you deserved it (3842)

On 03/11/2009 at 4:46pm - love - by cdick (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I walked behind a girl I hooked up with last weekend while she was on the computer in the library. I noticed she was looking at my facebook page and got excited. Then I heard her say to her friend, "This is the one smallest penis I have ever seen." FML

#273753
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65899) - you deserved it (8304)

On 03/11/2009 at 4:29pm - intimacy - by Noname (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I decided to call my wife while she was having a private lunch with my parents. I began to tell her all the nasty things I was going to do to her in bed. Halfway through my fantasy, she giggled and told me that she was going to take me off speakerphone. FML

#273030
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26674) - you deserved it (60326)

On 03/11/2009 at 3:49pm - intimacy - by SoggyPancakes (man) - United States (Michigan)



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