FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was at work, when a co-worker began to shake a near empty box. Without thinking, I shouted "What if there was a baby in there? You just killed it!" I then remembered she recently suffered a miscarriage. FML

by jjjjjjmmmmm92 / 07/20/2010 at 7:08pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Work

Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML

by notmuchfun / 07/20/2010 at 5:17pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I helped my fiancé pack up and head to Texas for a business trip. I'm not only going to miss him, but I'll also miss my car keys that I accidentally left in his car. I drive for a living. FML

by Ohshucks! / 07/20/2010 at 3:01pm / United States / Love

Today, I found my lost iPhone earbuds. In the cat litter box. I am 100% sure that they passed through my cat to get there. FML

by brentkd / 07/20/2010 at 12:34pm / United States / Animals

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

by Anonymous / 07/20/2010 at 12:29pm / United States (Tennessee) / Kids

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house. Expecting to get a little action, I was surprised to find that he had fallen asleep while I was showering. I spent my night watching television and browsing the internet while he snored. Loudly. FML

by Ugh... / 07/20/2010 at 4:15am / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy

Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML

by Anonymous / 07/20/2010 at 12:53am / United States / Intimacy

Today, as I was buying carrots, a little red light started flashing and an alarm sounded. Curious, I looked up, only to get sprayed in the face by a sprinkler for the produce section of the store. FML

by PrintMaster / 07/19/2010 at 10:06pm / United States / Health

Today, I met my biological mother for the first time. She stole my wallet. FML

by thanksmom / 07/19/2010 at 8:23pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

by betrayed / 07/19/2010 at 1:36pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my kids surprised me when I got home. One of them played the Rocky theme song on the stereo, and the other came up to me and said, "Daddy, let's go. We need you to drop about 15 pounds before you appear in front of all of our friends at our play." FML

by Cody / 07/19/2010 at 9:59am / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I found out what's worse than having the "sex talk" with your parents: having the "sex talk" with your boyfriend, when he's 23, right before you were supposed to have sex. FML

by Bellagirl / 07/19/2010 at 3:10am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I tell him I just got my period, he impatiently says "Is it over yet?" FML

by MandMandM / 07/19/2010 at 2:38am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy