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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was sitting in the break room at work eating lunch when I started to choke. My face turned red and tears began welling up in my eyes. Two of my coworkers were there. They began to argue over who would have to give me the heimlich maneuver rather than helping. FML

#4095368
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40745) - you deserved it (2207)

On 07/28/2009 at 12:11am - health - by swaiteATC (man) - United States (Mississippi)

Today, I was sitting in a coffee shop when the weird guy who had been pacing the store talking to himself approached our table. He looked at me, and in all seriousness, said, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your butt crack is showing." FML

#4089919
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14281) - you deserved it (40418)

On 07/27/2009 at 9:20pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my best friend told me she was pregnant over the phone. While in the middle of telling her congrats, she told me it was with my boyfriend. FML

#4086782
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63401) - you deserved it (2999)

On 07/27/2009 at 7:10pm - misc - by thatonekid (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, while spray painting a rocking horse for my kids I left the can outside in the sun. When I picked it up it was hot to the touch and I dropped it. It exploded on impact and now I am more blue than the rocking horse. FML

#4083142
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37434) - you deserved it (19849)

On 07/27/2009 at 4:08pm - animals - by usafprog (man) - United States (Alabama)

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

#4081805
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63595) - you deserved it (3247)

On 07/27/2009 at 3:07pm - misc - by webperson04 (man) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, my brother decided it would be funny to squirt disappearing ink on my wedding dress right before I walked down the aisle. It didn't disappear. FML

#4080765
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66401) - you deserved it (2959)

On 07/27/2009 at 2:22pm - misc - by randomnamehere (woman) - United States (Kentucky)

Today, I learned that my wife had an affair with another guy. She met him while we were on a trip in another state for marriage counseling. The reason we were in marriage counseling was because she had no desire for sex, and we had gone for two years without it. FML

#4079911
142 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58208) - you deserved it (4388)

On 07/27/2009 at 1:36pm - intimacy - by imatool (man) - United States (Texas)

Today, I thought I would surprise my dad by mowing our entire 2 acre lawn. When he got home, instead of being grateful like I had hoped, he yelled at me for cutting in vertical lines instead of horizontal. FML

#4079687
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52027) - you deserved it (3823)

On 07/27/2009 at 1:25pm - misc - by overthehorizon (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, my father pulled me aside right before heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your short's pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML

#4077228
153 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10418) - you deserved it (68548)

On 07/27/2009 at 10:34am - intimacy - by condom_kid (man) - United States (New Hampshire)

Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend when I said "I wish all the weight I gained just went to my boobs." His reply was, "They'd be HUGE." FML

#4076767
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39425) - you deserved it (24323)

On 07/27/2009 at 9:49am - love - by not-that-fat (woman) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I drove six hours with a friend to see one of her favorite bands in concert. We were turned away at the door because the online site didn't say we had to be 21 to enter. I drove six hours back with nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank and useless tickets. FML

#4074889
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37998) - you deserved it (8692)

On 07/27/2009 at 5:38am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, it was a pretty nice day so I decided I would take a walk through the park to get to work instead of driving. Healthier and better for the planet, right? Wrong. Some little bratty kids were bored apparently and decided to hide behind trees and peg me with water balloons. FML

#4074365
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36614) - you deserved it (3645)

On 07/27/2009 at 4:35am - misc - by waterballoons (man) - United States (California)



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