FMLs submitted from United States

Today, the airport security guard told me to lift my fat rolls so he could finish patting me down. FML

by Anonymous / 07/17/2010 at 2:16am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I was driving with my girlfriend. As we turned onto our block, she shrieked that our dog was running down the street and into traffic. I jumped out of the moving car and chased him for about a mile, only to give up, go home, and find out it wasn't our dog. FML

by VtecKickIn / 07/17/2010 at 2:00am / United States / Animals

Today, I found out I've been incorrectly sorting thousands of papers for the past two weeks. My boss wanted them sorted by date, but the co-worker who instructed me said to sort them into alphabetical order just to watch me fail. FML

by MSURebel70 / 07/16/2010 at 7:48pm / United States (West Virginia) / Work

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2010 at 7:43pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Geek

Today, my 23-year old boyfriend is not talking to me because I bought the regular kind of macaroni and cheese instead of the cartoon kind. FML

by liz / 07/16/2010 at 3:45pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I decided to try and seduce my boyfriend of 2 years. He was on his laptop, and while he was on it I took off my shirt and bra, and gave him a hug from behind. What I didn't know was that he was video chatting his father the whole time. FML

by Anonymous / 07/16/2010 at 12:19am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend won't have sex with me. Why? Because my mii knocked out her mii in Wii boxing. It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in one player mode. FML

by knock_out / 07/15/2010 at 9:12pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML

by darthinvader / 07/15/2010 at 8:17pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I realized if you leave a can of soda in parked car during a heatwave it will explode all over everything. My car is like a human glue trap. FML

by bigmikenyc / 07/15/2010 at 5:31am / United States / Transportation

Today, I was on webcam for the first time with a guy I've been texting for a while. Trying to show off my guitar skills, I lean down to pick it up and fell on my face. FML

by ditsy / 07/15/2010 at 5:17am / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, my boyfriend woke up wheezing terribly, aching, and sneezing. He's allergic to cats. I have 2 and they are my babies. He gave me an ultimatum, him or the cats. I haven't figured out how I'm going to tell him that I choose the cats. FML

by BambooLove / 07/15/2010 at 2:53am / United States / Love

Today, I hired somebody to send me love letters. I'm that lonely. FML

by lonely / 07/15/2010 at 1:19am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I ran into my boyfriend. The same guy that told me he was still in Florida with his family. FML

by sunkissedberries / 07/15/2010 at 12:12am / United States / Love