FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML

by kinky / 08/04/2010 at 8:24pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I came home from work to find the lock to my bike busted and my bike stolen. The worst part was a nicer bike was sitting right next to it without a lock. FML

by Amandajean32 / 08/04/2010 at 8:02pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I had to admit to everyone, including my cable guy, that I'm moving back in with my parents. FML

by Anonymous / 08/04/2010 at 5:08pm / United States (Connecticut) / Money

Today, I went to an elementary school for volunteer work. I was asked to read to a group of kids during one of the classes. Before I started reading, a girl raised her hand and asked me if I had a boyfriend and if I was single. I asked her why and she said "My daddy wanted to know." I'm 16. FML

by LaRae17 / 08/04/2010 at 10:40am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML

by Ploeboi / 08/04/2010 at 4:28am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

by IllJustGetYouASweaterThen / 08/04/2010 at 3:58am / United States (New Mexico) / Intimacy

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

by Alisha Marie / 08/04/2010 at 12:20am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

by jkin47 / 08/03/2010 at 9:44pm / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

by bitch / 08/03/2010 at 9:19pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Transportation

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

by Emily / 08/03/2010 at 7:54pm / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML

by fatty / 08/03/2010 at 6:37pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, upon getting out of the shower, I discovered the towel I grabbed off the rack had dried poop on it. Apparently, during my sister's birthday party yesterday, we'd run out of toilet paper. FML

by missalexa / 08/03/2010 at 2:13pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, while at a local bar, my friends and I were approached by an overly intoxicated man who asked us each politely if we wanted to fight. Thinking it was a joke, I said yes. It wasn't a joke, I now have a broken nose and a black eye. FML

by MyFaceHurts / 08/03/2010 at 6:40am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous