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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I had to pee really bad so I tried to unlock my door as fast as I could. I put my key in and turned it too hard, the key snapped inside. I ended up peeing on myself. FML

#1512569
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48453) - you deserved it (11901)

On 05/01/2009 at 12:11am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my wife and I decided it would be funny to pull a prank on her family who we were going to see for dinner. I hid in the foyer while she went in and announced to her parents that she was leaving me. I watched as her mother hugged her daughter and cried "Finally..." FML

#1512268
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61204) - you deserved it (18960)

On 05/01/2009 at 12:05am - misc - by goner - United States (New York)

Today, I went for a hike with the local search and rescue volunteer group that I recently joined. I got lost and spent 5 hours wandering aimlessly. FML

#1510421
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33815) - you deserved it (13161)

On 04/30/2009 at 11:13pm - misc - by Wouldntitbeniceif (man) - United States (New Mexico)

Today, my daughter said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML

#1509670
236 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57894) - you deserved it (10389)

On 04/30/2009 at 10:50pm - kids - by mylove (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I woke up with the worst cold, ever. My nose was running like crazy and my eyes were all puffy. So I stumbled over to the medicine cabinet and took what I thought were three tylenol cold's. Two hours later I'm still sick and I can't leave the bathroom. They were laxatives. FML

#1507278
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35822) - you deserved it (21759)

On 04/30/2009 at 9:40pm - health - by fuckmyliiiiiiife (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing his lawn. I ran a couple of laps past him. After a while, when I slowed down, I smiled at him, and he replied You look really hot." I thanked him, and he quickly replied, "No, I mean you're sweating a lot." FML

#1505270
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14823) - you deserved it (44566)

On 04/30/2009 at 8:52pm - love - by Eli123 (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, a girl called me asking for one of her friends. She wouldn't believe me when I told her she had the wrong number, and I spent a few minutes convincing her she did. After a while she said "what the fuck" and hung up. That was the longest conversation I had with a girl in months. FML

#1500727
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54021) - you deserved it (8161)

On 04/30/2009 at 7:08pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)

Today, at work, the prizes were given to the employee of the month. They come in to surprise the winner and give prizes. They come over to my cubicle and cover me with silly string. Jokingly, I said: "Do you guys have the wrong cubicle? " They did. The guy in the next cubicle won. FML

#1497553
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47712) - you deserved it (5821)

On 04/30/2009 at 5:42pm - work - by Anonymous - United States (Louisiana)

Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there is a tradition where the batmitzvah gets lifted on a chair, and so does her family. It was my turn after my sister's. I got in the chair. They couldn't lift me. FML

#1495877
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40973) - you deserved it (24237)

On 04/30/2009 at 4:54pm - misc - by ashley (woman) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I didn't have any money to buy a tampon from the dispenser at my school but my hands are small enough so I can just slide them up and grab one. My hand got stuck in the dispenser and my school had to call the fire department. Now everyone calls me tampon girl. FML

#1493911
188 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27208) - you deserved it (61521)

On 04/30/2009 at 3:56pm - misc - by obeezy (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I went to get the Apple store, my Mac had been making a grinding noise from the fan. The guy put his ear to the keyboard and said there was a CD in the drive so I couldn't hear the grinding from the fan. He ejected the CD. It was porn. FML

#1493509
172 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11216) - you deserved it (74307)

On 04/30/2009 at 3:44pm - intimacy - by cait (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my serious boyfriend was talking about how he wants to get engaged and married. I was really happy until he said he's excited mainly for the tax benefits. FML

#1493451
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45445) - you deserved it (3657)

On 04/30/2009 at 3:42pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (District of Columbia)

Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days...I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML

#1490808
103 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12193) - you deserved it (57720)

On 04/30/2009 at 2:03pm - misc - by Telemistake (woman) - United States (New York)



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