FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say "Let's just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume." She then winked. I am now scarred for life. FML

by anonymous.. / 09/02/2010 at 8:29pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I've lived in this apartment for three years. I've been single and horny for all of them. FML

by Buzzie / 09/02/2010 at 5:09pm / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

by whatthewoah / 09/02/2010 at 2:10pm / United States (Virginia) / Transportation

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

by flimflam / 09/02/2010 at 1:39pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a stomach virus. I tried to make myself throw up to feel better. My long nails sliced open my throat from the inside, and I threw up blood. FML

by Sickie. / 09/02/2010 at 12:03pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML

by hatesgravity / 09/02/2010 at 7:40am / United States (Michigan) / Transportation

Today, I got grounded because I have a picture on facebook in which I'm touching the crotch of a cardboard cut-out of Obama. My parents insist the FBI will see that and I'll end up in jail. My parents are crazy. FML

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

by Forded / 09/01/2010 at 7:11pm / United States (Oregon) / Transportation

Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After doing my business and we started walking out of the bathroom, my son loudly announced to the whole store, "Mommy has diarrhea!" FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2010 at 7:04pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I saw one of those candies that you spray on your tongue. Only after spraying some in my mouth did I find it was actually perfume. FML

by samboob / 09/01/2010 at 5:01pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous

Today, I walked in on my mom's boyfriend jacking off. The worst part was that he didn't stop. FML

by Jill Shanks / 09/01/2010 at 2:16am / United States / Intimacy

Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2010 at 12:13am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML

by WIno / 08/31/2010 at 10:46pm / United States (Alabama) / Health