FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I caught my dad spanking my mom with a spatula. The same spatula I use to cook my eggs every morning. FML

by suckstobeme / 03/24/2010 at 11:00am / United States / Intimacy

Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML

by BadtoWorse / 03/23/2010 at 10:51am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I got excited when my phone vibrated cause I thought someone actually wanted to talk to me. When I grabbed my phone I realized my mind played a trick on me and I only thought it vibrated. I'm so lonely I subconsciously trick myself into thinking I have friends. FML

by someone72 / 03/22/2010 at 7:20pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend said, "People think I don't have talent, but I do. I'm really good with my mouth. Just ask anyone." FML

by drew_ar85 / 03/20/2010 at 12:30pm / United States (Arkansas) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

by anonymous / 03/19/2010 at 12:11am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

by YouAREthefather / 03/18/2010 at 12:48pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

by human torch / 03/18/2010 at 11:22am / United States / Health

Today, I discovered that my fiancé had responded to an online missed connection posting. He has been emailing, exchanging pictures and making plans to go out with this girl. We are supposed to be married in the fall and just put down the non-refundable deposit on our reception site. FML

by anon17 / 03/18/2010 at 9:49am / United States / Love

Today, I was trying to change my PIN code in order to make my phone more secure and prevent people from getting information from it. Instead, I somehow ended up locking my phone permanently. FML

by ihateyouatt / 03/18/2010 at 9:30am / United States (Indiana) / Geek

Today, I called my dad at his new wife's house to inform him I was all set to graduate from community college with my associates degree and that we needed to sit down and plan how to pay for the 4 year degree. To which he replied "all a girl needs is an associates degree". Thanks dad. FML

by Anna / 03/18/2010 at 8:20am / United States (Virginia) / Money

Today, I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. My first time and we didn't even finish. FML

by Anonymous / 03/18/2010 at 6:39am / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the couch. I got thirsty, so I got up and grabbed a metal water bottle and drank out of it. He tried to playfully touch it and spill water on me, but instead hit it hard enough to where it slammed my mouth, chipped my tooth, and cut open my lip. FML

by Anonymous / 03/18/2010 at 3:05am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I finally realized that the only time my mother talks to me is when she needs money. FML

by Anonymous / 03/18/2010 at 1:18am / United States (Texas) / Money