FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my 3-year-old girl accidentally caught sight of me stepping out of the shower. Now she thinks "daddy has a tail" and she just has to let everyone know about it. FML

by Fido / 06/06/2016 at 7:58am / United States / Kids

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

by Anonymous / 06/06/2016 at 12:57am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

by meish / 06/05/2016 at 9:16am / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I gave my dad $40 and asked him if he can get me lunch on his way back home. Long story short he came back empty handed telling me it was my fault for trusting him with McNuggets. FML

by Dmessmer1 / 06/05/2016 at 4:37am / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, my best friend since first grade, who I've been in love with for years and finally hooked up with last week, asked me for advice. He wanted to know if he should start a long distance relationship with a girl he hooked up with last night. FML

by BG1059 / 06/04/2016 at 10:19pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmothers items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

by Joey / 06/04/2016 at 2:52pm / United States (Armed Forces Europe, Middle East) / Love

Today, I tried having some girl time with my mom so I could sneakily figure out what to get her for her birthday. All I could think of in the end was a time machine, after her rant about wishing she'd gotten her tubes tied rather than going through the stress of raising me and my sister. FML

by Anonymous / 06/04/2016 at 10:52am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

by slim_breezy / 06/04/2016 at 3:41am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my car broke down. The good news is I can afford to have it fixed. The bad news is paying for the fix will wipe out my savings, which I need to get certified for a non-minimum-wage job. FML

by Anonymous / 06/03/2016 at 11:49pm / United States (Illinois) / Money

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

by RingofFire / 06/03/2016 at 7:23pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text, right after I finished cleaning his apartment and dropping off a bunch of booze I bought for a big party we were having. It turns out that big party was his "newly single" party. FML

by Reeen / 06/03/2016 at 6:29pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

by Fish Breath / 06/03/2016 at 6:26pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

by Revelyn / 06/03/2016 at 6:18pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous