FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my toddler son walked up to my older daughter and kissed her chest, then said, "I kissed the boob." I have no idea where he learned that word. FML

by Anonymous / 10/06/2016 at 2:59pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids

Today, I had my wedding at 11 a.m. so that I could spend a lot of time with my friends and family. Everyone left within 4 hours. FML

by Sadwife / 10/06/2016 at 1:36pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, I found out that I spent 3 whole days cleaning my apartment thoroughly and paid $100 to get my carpet professional cleaned to not get my $950 deposit back because the carpet smells like dog. I don't have a dog. FML

by UHLSucksSTL / 10/06/2016 at 11:50am / United States (Missouri) / Money

Today, I came home to find water dripping from the ceiling in my apartment laundry room/pantry. All of my groceries were ruined. Maintenance's suggestion? "Put a bucket under it." FML

by wetandhungry / 10/06/2016 at 9:11am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML

by thereisnobaby / 10/06/2016 at 7:55am / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I got a call informing me that my 16-year-old daughter had been arrested for shoplifting jewellery. Trying to look on the bright side, I assumed it was for my birthday that is coming up in a few days. Nope. It was a "Thank you" gift. For her drug dealer. FML

by Pissed.Off.Mom. / 10/06/2016 at 1:14am / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I was syphoning some gas from my truck to my friend's car just enough to get to the gas station. I told my friend to let me know when the gas was coming; he said, "Alright." Suddenly, I got a mouth full of gas because he was on his phone taking a video of me. He got the whole thing. FML

by crazytortise / 10/05/2016 at 10:40pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I discovered that my band section had misspelled my name as "Joke" on our section poster. On purpose. It's supposed to be Jake. FML

by storrent / 10/05/2016 at 12:18pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

by RickTooBomb / 10/05/2016 at 11:23am / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my boss why the flowers I got her for her birthday the other day were in the conference room and not her office. She told me she was allergic to them and she had such a bad reaction that it made her go home early. I made my boss sick on her birthday. FML

by onlyolivia / 10/05/2016 at 10:43am / United States (Maryland) / Work

Today, recent construction has created a manhole that cars slam over every single morning. This normally starts at 4 a.m. as people make their early commute on my busy street. With every car that hits it, there's a huge echoing slamming noise. FML

by martin1022 / 10/05/2016 at 7:29am / United States / Transportation

Today, I noticed I've been an Amazon Prime member for 2 years and never knew. FML

by storyteller / 10/04/2016 at 12:29pm / United States (Indiana) / Money

Today, after laying down to sleep, my boyfriend seemed like he was having trouble trying to say something. After asking what was wrong a couple of times, he said, "I don't want to do this anymore" and got up and left. I had planned on telling him I love him. Saved myself some embarrassment I guess. FML

by hikingtospace / 10/04/2016 at 11:25am / United States (Ohio) / Love