FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was coaching at a swim meet. I heard a few of my swimmers screaming about a huge wasp on my head, so I told everyone to stay calm because we didn't want to upset the wasp. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by another coach from our team hitting me repeatedly on the head with a clipboard. FML

by Doodle / 08/01/2010 at 8:20pm / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I learned that ice cubes do not cool down hot oil. Instead, it causes a massive explosion of hot grease to splatter all over my parents' kitchen. FML

by manicmandy / 08/01/2010 at 4:24pm / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous

Today, while tubing down the river, we stopped for lunch. I accidentally left my shoes on the sand when we left. I had to walk two miles through dense woods with no trail and no shoes. FML

by Intoxicunt / 08/01/2010 at 2:51pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was woken up at 3:00 am to the sound of a tape recording of a baby crying, loudly. This has been going on for 3 nights, non stop. Why? because I brought up the subject of having a baby with my wife. Clearly, you can see where she stands. FML

by kfoehslfns / 08/01/2010 at 4:45am / United States (Oregon) / Kids

Today, I noticed my husband chews his tongue while we are having it off. He also does this while he is playing World of Warcraft. FML

by Nuttree / 08/01/2010 at 3:02am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML

by Chimychunga / 08/01/2010 at 2:47am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML

by tbeemcgeebee / 08/01/2010 at 1:05am / United States (New York) / Geek

Today, while at work I tripped and fell in the pool while moving a waste basket. I nearly drowned and had to be saved. I don't know which is worse the fact that I nearly drowned or the fact that I'm a lifeguard. FML

by lifeguard down / 08/01/2010 at 12:23am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

Today, my dad brought me home after I was in the hospital for a week. He gets me to my room, hands me a glass of water and some granola bars, then leaves me on my own so he can go play golf. FML

by lonely / 08/01/2010 at 12:10am / United States (Tennessee) / Health

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking through an old photo album of mine. I turned to a page with a picture of me on my last day of college. I thought the picture was quite nice. He turned to me and said, "Don't worry, I take bad pictures too." FML

by XxHinkaixX / 07/31/2010 at 10:28pm / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me. He's been in jail for the last four months. I paid for his very expensive lawyer. FML

by Beaten / 07/31/2010 at 7:50pm / United States (Alaska) / Love

Today, I got married. During the reception my husband got drunk and told 200+ people that we met at a dingy bar and that we "totally banged" all night. I don't know what's worse, the fact he embarrassed me in front of everyone I know, or if it was that that was not how we met. Not even close. FML

by wtf / 07/31/2010 at 7:31pm / United States (Idaho) / Intimacy

Today, I met a man at the bar, and he asked me to go home with him. The problem? He's 80. I'm 29. The bigger problem? I considered it. It's been that long. FML

by Anonymous / 07/31/2010 at 7:24pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy