FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I decided to lay out and tan. I fell asleep and got sun burned and bitten numerous times by mosquitoes. If I scratch my itch, the burn hurts terribly. If I don't scratch it, it itches terribly. FML

by kaylajere / 05/26/2010 at 4:17am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML

by Jimbo / 05/25/2010 at 5:29am / United States (Armed Forces Pacific) / Work

Today, I leaned back and bumped into one of my mom's plants in the window. The good thing was that I caught it before it fell and shattered. The bad thing was that my mom likes to keep cactii in the window. I can still feel thorns I haven't managed to pluck out yet. FML

by Ouchhh / 05/25/2010 at 2:54am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. What the fuck happened that night? FML

by laurenraeee / 05/25/2010 at 1:18am / United States (Utah) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a YouTube channel devoted to taking the camera out whenever he has to fart. FML

by alyssac11 / 05/25/2010 at 12:55am / United States (Michigan) / Geek

Today, while sitting at a red light, my mother asks "Do you have any intimacy questions?" FML

by weirdedout / 05/24/2010 at 11:14am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML

by HairyLeggedItalian / 05/24/2010 at 1:21am / United States (Arizona) / Health

Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML

by blahblah / 05/24/2010 at 12:14am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I was watching a movie at my girlfriend's house with her and her parents. There was a part where a brother and sister kissed, so I said "where'd they come from, Alabama?" Today is also the day I found out my girlfriend's parents are from Alabama. FML

by THANKS4theINFO / 05/23/2010 at 7:15pm / United States (New Jersey) / Miscellaneous

Today, when I went to pick up my daughter from preschool, I found out she'd "accidentally" tried to flush her clothes down the toilet while going to the bathroom. FML

by rkl2010 / 05/23/2010 at 2:02pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, the supervisory staff at work was changed in my area. The good news? My boyfriend is now my manager. The bad news? My ex, the guy I cheated on my boyfriend with, is our supervisor. FML

by nick_of_time / 05/23/2010 at 10:23am / United States (Maryland) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he played with and named my boobs. Complete with a full skit where "Maxie" killed "Nathanial." FML

by Maxie-Nathanial / 05/23/2010 at 5:10am / United States / Intimacy

Today, after doing a graveyard shift at work, I took the bus home. I fell asleep on the way and woke up 25 miles away from my bus stop. I took another bus heading back and couldn't stay awake. I then woke up where I started from. FML

by Around / 05/23/2010 at 3:29am / United States (Florida) / Work