FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I waked in on my boyfriend and his best friend playing "Dick Wars" while wearing glow in the dark condoms. FML

by pumpkinlover89 / 03/27/2010 at 4:26am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have intercourse for the first time. One minute into it, he got nervous and farted. What's worse is that his fart scared him, and he asked "What was that?" FML

by Haley. / 03/26/2010 at 7:58pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, when I was trying to break up with my boyfriend, I told him how I needed space and time to think. His response was, "Ok, we're out of condoms anyway." FML

by d / 03/26/2010 at 3:31am / United States / Intimacy

Today, I just had a phone interview with a college. The lady asked me to spell out my password to a site so she can access my test scores. The password was "dick." FML

by uhoh901 / 03/25/2010 at 7:07am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

by ouch / 03/25/2010 at 4:00am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, my sister's boyfriend came over to the house. I thought I would be nice and cook them both a dinner along with my own. Mine took a little longer to cook, so they ate before me and went back to her bedroom. I ate alone to the sound of them having fun. FML

by lonelyniceguy / 03/24/2010 at 7:50pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I caught my dad spanking my mom with a spatula. The same spatula I use to cook my eggs every morning. FML

by suckstobeme / 03/24/2010 at 11:00am / United States / Intimacy

Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML

by BadtoWorse / 03/23/2010 at 10:51am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I got excited when my phone vibrated cause I thought someone actually wanted to talk to me. When I grabbed my phone I realized my mind played a trick on me and I only thought it vibrated. I'm so lonely I subconsciously trick myself into thinking I have friends. FML

by someone72 / 03/22/2010 at 7:20pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend said, "People think I don't have talent, but I do. I'm really good with my mouth. Just ask anyone." FML

by drew_ar85 / 03/20/2010 at 12:30pm / United States (Arkansas) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend got off for real for the first time during sex. Apparently, he's been faking it for the past two months. I didn't even know guys could do that. FML

by anonymous / 03/19/2010 at 12:11am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

by YouAREthefather / 03/18/2010 at 12:48pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML

by human torch / 03/18/2010 at 11:22am / United States / Health