FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was applying Icy Hot. I squeezed the bottle too hard making it squirt in my eye. I ran to the bathroom in agony, turned on the faucet, and slammed my face right into it. FML

by Jesska / 09/03/2010 at 3:59pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

by Fmylife.25 / 09/03/2010 at 3:56pm / United States (Virginia) / Love

Today, I bought a new, expensive face moisturizer. However, it smells like poop. I paid $20 dollars to make my face smell like shit. FML

by Anonymous / 09/03/2010 at 2:18am / United States (Arizona) / Money

Today, my 72 year old Grandmother informed me she's running for mayor. She's been going around town with home made signs all day campaigning to win mayor. She lives in my town. My friend called me asking me if she was high. FML

by AnnaWusHere / 09/03/2010 at 2:18am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

by anonymous / 09/03/2010 at 1:05am / United States (Tennessee) / Health

Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to build a "secret entrance." FML

by Devon / 09/03/2010 at 12:35am / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids

Today, I decided to drive my mothers Bentley. She is out of town and told me not to go near the car. Being 17, I didn't listen. As I was backing out the driveway, I was hit by an SUV, seriously damaging my moms car. Who was driving the SUV? My mom, coming home early. FML

by ohseven6421 / 09/03/2010 at 12:13am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, my mom told me I was conceived on Halloween. She thought it would be funny to say "Let's just say your dad was not wearing his ghost costume." She then winked. I am now scarred for life. FML

by anonymous.. / 09/02/2010 at 8:29pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I've lived in this apartment for three years. I've been single and horny for all of them. FML

by Buzzie / 09/02/2010 at 5:09pm / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

by whatthewoah / 09/02/2010 at 2:10pm / United States (Virginia) / Transportation

Today, the elevator broke in my dorm and won't be fixed for several days. I live on the 26th floor. FML

by flimflam / 09/02/2010 at 1:39pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had a stomach virus. I tried to make myself throw up to feel better. My long nails sliced open my throat from the inside, and I threw up blood. FML

by Sickie. / 09/02/2010 at 12:03pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, after finally getting up the nerve to take my motorcycle to up 75mph on the freeway, I made it off in one piece, only to fall off my bike in the mall parking lot. FML

by hatesgravity / 09/02/2010 at 7:40am / United States (Michigan) / Transportation