FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

by Anonymous / 09/11/2010 at 12:01am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, while I was driving, a police officer jumped out from the sidewalk and into my lane. I slammed on the brakes so I wouldn't hit him. He then gave me a ticket for "obstructing traffic". FML

by Anonymous / 09/10/2010 at 9:44pm / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, I met my fiancée's parents for the first time. Her dad was telling me how he's not rich but not poor either. I replied, "Well, as long as you're not a garbage man!" Guess what his profession is. FML

by charlie043 / 09/10/2010 at 8:39pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad squirted water at me. Fortunately, I blocked it. Unfortunately, I blocked it with my new $200 camera. FML

by coolcucumber / 09/10/2010 at 4:40pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, at school, everybody wanted to be my partner for a project. This surprised me because nobody ever wants to be with me. Turns out when I was absent, my teacher promised that whoever was my partner would get extra points on the project. FML

by anonymous / 09/10/2010 at 2:09pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 8 year old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

by Anonymous / 09/10/2010 at 10:56am / United States (Tennessee) / Kids

Today, at work, I leaned back in a chair too far, causing me to tip over and smash my head into a wall. If that wasn't enough damage, my boss keeps replaying the security footage to everyone I work with. My head hurts not from the fall, but the loud laughter that keeps coming from inside the office. FML

by hard_headed / 09/10/2010 at 6:02am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, my family and I argued whether getting a period or boner in the middle of class was worse. At the dinner table. FML

by Me / 09/10/2010 at 1:30am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my nose was really stuffy. I heard somewhere that inhaling tea steam clears up the nose. While reading a magazine I inhaled my cup of green tea steam, without knowing that slowly I was moving my cup closer to my nose. Hot tea was sucked into my left nostril and burned the inside badly. FML

by Anonymous / 09/10/2010 at 12:09am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, I bought my boyfriend two concert tickets (of our favorite band) for his birthday. I was expecting him to bring me since I gave them to him and I like the band too. He said, "Sweet, thanks, I'll call my friend now and see if he wants to go. Think you could give us a ride?" FML

by anlhawks / 09/10/2010 at 12:02am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

by higagram / 09/09/2010 at 11:15pm / United States (Tennessee) / Transportation

Today, I was in my basement when I saw a giant cricket on the floor. I found an old plastic bottle of orange paint to drop on it and did so from about five feet up. The bottle exploded and splattered the walls and floor like a crime scene. The cricket hopped away untouched. FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2010 at 10:09pm / United States (Virginia) / Animals

Today, I saw a pregnant woman fall off her moped. As I helped her back up, I asked if her baby was okay. I was then blindsided by her brick of a purse while she screeched, "I'm not pregnant!" FML

by Anonymous / 09/09/2010 at 4:09pm / United States (North Carolina) / Transportation