FMLs submitted from United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML

by Jpev / 05/11/2016 at 9:09pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation

Today, my 9 year-old daughter had really bad constipation. When I took her to the doctor, he had to 'break it up' with a gloved finger, and then he sent me home with directions on how to administer an enema. I do not recommend trying to give an enema to a kid that doesn't want one. FML

by anon mom / 05/11/2016 at 8:06pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I offered my friend $150 to drop my girl and me off for at the airport. He's poor, so I try to help him out by paying for rides. My girl being with me, I asked him not to smoke weed while driving. He turned down the job because he needs a minimum of two blunts for the trip. FML

by echo / 05/11/2016 at 2:59pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, a twelve year-old girl was better at calming down my six month-old baby on the bus than me. FML

by stop_crying / 05/11/2016 at 2:55pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, a customer came up to me with a can of ground black pepper and asked me what the ingredients were. FML

by belladonna1025 / 05/11/2016 at 2:49pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML

by unboned / 05/11/2016 at 1:30pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I found out I owe the IRS over $2,000 because of a mistake they made. Their "apology" basically amounted to "Oops, our bad. Now pay up or you're gonna be Bubba's new bitch." FML

by Anonymous / 05/11/2016 at 11:53am / United States (Michigan) / Money

Today, my friend bought a new car. He left his old car at the dealership and asked me if I could go back with him, and then I'd follow him back to his house in his old car. That was fine, except he forgot to mention the car had no brakes. I hit his car. FML

by bumpercarmcgee / 05/11/2016 at 4:33am / United States (Arizona) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with co-workers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML

by svsksosnns / 05/10/2016 at 11:59pm / United States (Washington) / Holidays

Today, I was sitting down in the hallway at school. As I tried to get up, I lost my balance and fell against a hand sanitizer dispenser. It then continued to squirt sanitizer all over the back of my shirt, drenching the whole left side. FML

by kentrm / 05/10/2016 at 10:12pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, the elderly lady I work for got mad at me, all because I wouldn't feed her imaginary friend. FML

by LoveTheElder / 05/10/2016 at 9:38pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I went on a date with my long time crush of three years. Everything was going great, until I found out he supports Donald Trump. FML

by anon / 05/10/2016 at 9:30pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, one of my students stole my wallet. I teach kindergarten. FML

by Annoyed / 05/10/2016 at 9:23pm / United States (Florida) / Work