FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML

by Spider fail / 05/31/2016 at 3:06pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, after seeing a cute girl on the bus, I tried to look cool by flipping my hair, only to smack the side of my head into the bus window. FML

by mitchellcrawford / 05/31/2016 at 2:05pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2016 at 12:11pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, I looked in my voicemails on my phone. I recently got a message saying that I got the job, which was very exciting because it's my first job. Too bad it was sent 2 weeks ago and I just got it because I upgraded my phone. FML

by JoblessLoser / 05/31/2016 at 2:55am / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, while hiking, I walked face first into a spider web. Freaking out, I shook my hair out in case there was a spider. Later on in the day the spider fell from my hair into my food. FML

by buttercup92 / 05/30/2016 at 11:45pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML

by DaChief / 05/30/2016 at 11:17pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, while meeting some of the big boss guys at my new job, one of the men sneezed on his hand and then grabbed mine for a handshake. I felt every gooey bit of his snot between our hands. FML

by Roostermann25 / 05/30/2016 at 9:34pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

by -1 Pair of Pants / 05/30/2016 at 3:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2016 at 12:35pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

by eebie jeebies / 05/30/2016 at 11:31am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, I was at church singing and my solo came up. As I walked through the crowd, this big woman caught the holy spirit and slapped the crap out of me. It was so hard, my fake tooth came out. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2016 at 10:32pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wheelchair was delivered. My brother and I were messing around with it when he rolled over my already injured foot. At least surgery is next week. FML

by ouch / 05/29/2016 at 7:27pm / United States (Nevada) / Health

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him, all because I shaved my legs on a Wednesday. FML

by Humpday / 05/29/2016 at 5:36pm / United States / Love