FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I was told I needed to start carrying bandaids with me at work because practically every day I hurt myself. FML

by anonymous / 09/24/2016 at 9:10am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML

by b.fritz / 09/24/2016 at 6:02am / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

by spaceavery / 09/24/2016 at 12:53am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my brother called me up. He said he needed to talk to me. Whenever someone says that, I naturally I get nervous. He said, "I gave one of my friends your number." I was shocked and asked why. "Your life makes me sad." FML

by KayKay / 09/23/2016 at 2:33am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

by stoolgal / 09/23/2016 at 2:19am / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

Today, I started a new job as a school bus driver. I was sent on the hardest route in the area, and not 5 minutes in I came across a broke down truck in the middle of the road. I was stuck behind him for over an hour with a bus full of elementary school kids. FML

by ljennette25 / 09/23/2016 at 12:51am / United States (Indiana) / Work

Today, in an effort to be fitter, I joined a Pilates class. Ten minutes into it, I dropped a 10-pound dumbbell on my face. I now have a horrific looking black eye, and half of my cheek is a mottled green color. Not to mention the cut above my eye that needed 4 stitches. FML

by Rowaelin16 / 09/22/2016 at 11:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I tried to have a relaxing soak in the tub. The giant wolf spider that was already in the tub didn't like me trying to set it free outside. It ran right across my feet and back into my house when I dumped it out of a cup outside. I screamed like a little girl. FML

by nopenopenopenope / 09/22/2016 at 11:28pm / United States (North Carolina) / Animals

Today, I was fired without warning from my job because I was not consulting my boss about things like washing dishes and throwing away garbage. Basically, I was fired for being too good at my job. FML

by Worky Workerton / 09/22/2016 at 1:14pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

by Battlebarney / 09/22/2016 at 6:58am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health

Today, I got a bill from my former attorney for the call he made to me begging me not to turn him in for stealing all my money and almost causing me lose my home. FML

by swee t / 09/21/2016 at 3:02pm / United States (North Carolina) / Money

Today, I tried to sneakily leave my boyfriend's house at 3 a.m. without his parents knowing. I had a flat tire. FML

by nekal / 09/21/2016 at 12:50pm / United States (Tennessee) / Love

Today, my fiancé, my two-year-old, and my dog are all sleeping peacefully next to me in our new king-sized memory foam bed. It's 2:15 in the morning. Why am I not sleeping? Because they all snore, one right after the other. It's like an endless song of snoring. FML

by Alyssa / 09/21/2016 at 3:17am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous