FMLs submitted from United States

Today, I finally found the single flaw in my perfect boyfriend. It's herpes. Genital herpes. FML

by Yikes / 09/27/2016 at 12:34am / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend I had a crush on. The whole time, he was flirting with the waitress while I was trying to get him to notice me. When we got the check, he looked at her and said, "She's not my girlfriend, I only go out with pretty girls. So, can I have your number?" FML

by awkward / 09/26/2016 at 5:31pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love

Today, I asked an elderly customer at my work if she needed help with her groceries. She responded, "I normally would, but I'm afraid you'll eat all the groceries." FML

by Fat and Embarrassed / 09/25/2016 at 10:09pm / United States (California) / Work

Today, my brat of a coworker tried to convince our boss that I should get paid half of what I'm making because I broke my right arm. I'm left handed, broke it on the job, and still doing a better job than her. She makes double what I do. FML

by BossesLittleBrat / 09/25/2016 at 8:47am / United States (North Dakota) / Work

Today, I went downstairs completely naked to get water, completely forgetting that my daughter had a sleepover and they were in the living room. The ice dispenser woke some of them up, including my daughter. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2016 at 7:22am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got my dog some weight loss formula food, as she is very overweight. This new food makes her have horrible gas. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2016 at 12:27am / United States (Arkansas) / Animals

Today, I was talking with a very attractive co-worker outside when a moth flew into my ear. I started screaming and hitting my ear because it was stuck and alive in my ear. I spent the rest of the day at the ER. I'm forever known as the moth lady. FML

by Anonymous / 09/25/2016 at 12:13am / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I was told I needed to start carrying bandaids with me at work because practically every day I hurt myself. FML

by anonymous / 09/24/2016 at 9:10am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML

by b.fritz / 09/24/2016 at 6:02am / United States (Missouri) / Love

Today, I was having amazing sex with my husband. When he blew his load, he also blew something else - a giant glob of snot, directly at my face. FML

by spaceavery / 09/24/2016 at 12:53am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my brother called me up. He said he needed to talk to me. Whenever someone says that, I naturally I get nervous. He said, "I gave one of my friends your number." I was shocked and asked why. "Your life makes me sad." FML

by KayKay / 09/23/2016 at 2:33am / United States (Massachusetts) / Love

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

by stoolgal / 09/23/2016 at 2:19am / United States (Oklahoma) / Health

Today, I started a new job as a school bus driver. I was sent on the hardest route in the area, and not 5 minutes in I came across a broke down truck in the middle of the road. I was stuck behind him for over an hour with a bus full of elementary school kids. FML

by ljennette25 / 09/23/2016 at 12:51am / United States (Indiana) / Work