FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, I told a guy at work about my boyfriend. His immediate response was to ask me if I was making him up. He's the third person to react this way. FML

by UglyApparently / 10/05/2011 at 12:03pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Work

Today, my younger cousin bought his girlfriend of 3 months a bunch of flowers. The only flower I've ever got from my boyfriend of 3 years is a plastic one he found on the floor in a bar. FML

by Anonymous / 10/04/2011 at 5:08pm / United Kingdom / Love

Today, my 20 year old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2011 at 5:41pm / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky. She got my cock out, stopped, and told me it looked like "Rufus the naked mole rat." She spent the next 20 minutes showing me pictures, describing in detail why they looked similar, and laughing. FML

by rufusthepenis / 10/02/2011 at 6:57pm / United Kingdom (Lincolnshire) / Intimacy

Today, at work, my boss went to the single-stall bathroom on our floor. The next thing I know, I'm on suspension pending review because some asshole left an upper-decker in the toilet. Since I'm the office prankster, all suspicion is now on me. I've been framed by my own colleagues. FML

by Anonymous / 10/02/2011 at 4:35pm / United Kingdom (Nottinghamshire) / Work

Today, I was confronted by my father after I got back home from a party in the early hours. He demanded to know if I'd been doing any drugs, and then decided to give me a scare lecture on the dangers of alcohol. I'd had a few beers. He had the smell of tequila on his breath. FML

by Anonymous / 09/30/2011 at 10:18pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my violent housemate qualified for a gun license. She picks up her bolt-action rifle on Wednesday. FML

by Help. / 09/29/2011 at 1:36pm / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Hull) / Miscellaneous

Today, after being in the UK for 2 months, I learned that when saying, "I'm about to blow off and kill someone", to the British "blow off" means "fart." This was pointed out to me in an open-space office after a particularly loud rant. FML

by AngerManagement / 09/29/2011 at 4:04am / United Kingdom / Work

Today, my co-workers agreed that I was the one causing the elevator to be over its weight limit. When I protested, saying that I only weigh around 150 pounds, one asked me if that included the weight of my wheelchair. They made me get out. FML

by Anonymous / 09/29/2011 at 3:34am / United Kingdom / Work

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me a Paul Frank t-shirt. It says "I'm single." FML

by happybirthday / 09/26/2011 at 1:06pm / United Kingdom (London) / Love

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

by Oops / 09/26/2011 at 11:35am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Intimacy

Today, out of my bedroom window, I can see my next door neighbour's window. On his ledge, I can see binoculars, tissues and vaseline. FML

by Anonymous / 09/24/2011 at 3:22am / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, I had my car valeted at my hotel. The manager came out, took my keys, and said the car would be waiting for me in an hour. I was then forced to watch from the lobby as the "manager" sped off downtown. FML

by hatty / 09/23/2011 at 9:48am / United Kingdom (East Lothian) / Transportation