FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, while riding my bike in the rain to a counselling appointment about my depression, my shoelace came untied and got caught around my pedal, causing me to go flying off my bike directly in a huge muddy puddle right in front of a busy street of people. No one offered to help me. FML

by anonymous / 03/29/2016 at 6:50pm / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mum visited. Even though I live under my own roof now, I caught her continuing her old habit of throwing out any clothes she thinks make me look "gay". FML

by yourclotheslookgay / 03/25/2016 at 12:00pm / United Kingdom (Rotherham) / Miscellaneous

Today, while away on training with the army, my housemates rang me to tell me some news. They had found a perfect house for next year and they had put an offer on it. The only problem? There are 5 of us and the house is for 4. Guess who hasn't been included. FML

by stressedoutsquaddie / 03/22/2016 at 5:02pm / United Kingdom (York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML

by Imdeadlmaokillme / 03/22/2016 at 4:47pm / United Kingdom (Richmond upon Thames) / Intimacy

Today, I, a vampire-pale girl, went on a blind date with a very dark-skinned young man. We got on like a house on fire, and everything was going smoothly until we leant in for the kiss. I was wearing makeup and no setting spray. He came away with half his face smudged snow white. FML

by JJ / 03/21/2016 at 3:06pm / United Kingdom (Southampton) / Intimacy

Today, I sat at work for 8 hours daydreaming about the homemade 4 cheese ravioli I would come home to after spending 3 hours making it from scratch the night before. When I finally got home and heated the ravioli, I dropped it all over my feet, giving me second degree burns. FML

by HolyRavioli / 03/21/2016 at 1:37pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

by humiliated / 03/20/2016 at 7:54am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

by fml_anon / 03/19/2016 at 4:33am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, I've been awake for 4 days. My doctor recently put me on enough sleeping pills to kill a small country, but when I take them it's like a shot of adrenaline. I'm wide awake and tired as all hell at the same time. FML

by dead / 03/18/2016 at 3:40pm / United Kingdom / Health

Today, whilst walking past a large pond-sized puddle, a double decker bus and a van slowed and drove around the puddle so as not to splash me. Thinking luck was on my side, I began walking more confidently, only for a tiny smart car to come hurtling past, causing a huge wave of water to hit me. FML

by Mr. King / 03/16/2016 at 4:28am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, after returning to work from a week-long sickness, I sent out an apologetic email to all of my clients to explain my lack of communication due to absence. I realised afterwards I had put the subject line as 'Absense'. And sent it to all of my clients. FML

by absense / 03/16/2016 at 3:43am / United Kingdom / Work

Today, after struggling to get something out of my eye, I kept my eye open long so it would start to water. My mother in law noticed and said, "Aww, do you need a therapist again?" She knows full well I struggle with chronic depression. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2016 at 9:13am / United Kingdom (Neath Port Talbot) / Health

Today, an attention seeking weirdo who thinks she's my friend asked me who was going to be the maid of honour at my wedding. Knowing what she was really asking, I said I just want a small, non-fancy wedding with no bridesmaids. She broke down into a sobbing mess in front of me. FML

by Anonymous / 03/12/2016 at 6:13am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous