FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, someone finally came to fix my phone line after three weeks with no Internet. The engineer reconnected the phone line to the wrong apartment. I hope my neighbour is enjoying my unlimited broadband. FML

by caggybandicoot / 06/17/2016 at 10:37pm / United Kingdom (Torbay) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, thanks to the unholy power of autocorrect, I told my mother-in-law that "crispy dick" is on the menu tonight. FML

by Anonymous / 06/17/2016 at 7:29pm / United Kingdom (St. Helens) / Miscellaneous

Today, I washed my boyfriend's work clothes, trying to make up for a fight we had earlier. After taking them out, I found his phone, wallet and keys at the bottom of the washer, completly waterlogged. This is not the peace offering I'd hoped for. FML

by bigbagofnope / 06/17/2016 at 4:17pm / United Kingdom / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML

by inveralaska / 06/16/2016 at 5:22pm / United Kingdom / Animals

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

by Anonymous / 06/15/2016 at 1:07pm / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Hull, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, five minutes into a first date with a woman I really wanted to impress, we got on to a very busy train. I was so concerned with making sure that my backpack didn't get caught in the closing doors that I forgot to worry about my head. FML

by dannidoll93 / 06/15/2016 at 7:56am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Transportation

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I saw the postman approach my house through the window, and my immediate reaction was to drop to the floor in fear. FML

by Trooper / 06/14/2016 at 8:19pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Health

Today, I finally got to see the professional photographs taken at the wedding I recently attended. I can't find a single picture of myself that I like. I was the bride. FML

Today, at the doctor's, I dropped my pants and the attractive nurse assured me it was the biggest one she had ever seen. Unfortunately, she wasn't referring to my penis, she was, in fact referring to the huge haemorrhoid hanging out of my asshole. FML

by mind your own business / 06/13/2016 at 6:31pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Health

Today, a friend posted a photo on Facebook of a meal with all of our other friends. The same meal they'd told me just yesterday had been cancelled. FML

by Lonely, I am so lonely / 06/12/2016 at 9:41am / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to get back in shape so I went swimming. I only managed 10 lengths and was completely out of breath. I was so embarrassed that when a lifeguard asked me if I was OK, I made up a story about a leg injury as a reason to leave only 15 minutes after I got in. FML

by fat teen / 06/05/2016 at 7:33pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Health

Today, I was walking through a field with my boyfriend and he picked me some pretty flowers. I hugged him and leant in to sniff them. In doing so, I inhaled a bee up my nose and had to force it out my swollen nostril after it had stung me. FML

by lyinginbed / 06/04/2016 at 3:45pm / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I caught my "best friend" on my laptop, copying my girlfriend's nudes onto his flash drive. FML

by hb1 / 06/04/2016 at 2:15pm / United Kingdom (Redcar and Cleveland) / Miscellaneous