FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, my dad came to my graduate art show wearing a t-shirt saying "My other daughter is a science major". He'd had it specially made. FML

by art_major / 05/25/2011 at 10:06am / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Miscellaneous

Today, I refused to let two students into class because they were 15 minutes late. It turns out they were late because they had gone to buy me a birthday cake. FML

by LimeyGoodteeth / 05/24/2011 at 5:34pm / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I contacted my biological father, after not speaking to him for some years, as we had a very strained relationship. I received an automated response. It's probably the best conversation we have ever had. FML

by Anonymous / 05/24/2011 at 2:28pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I went back to the key cutter for the second time because apartment key I gave to my boyfriend didn't work. The man cut me another key and apologised profusely. When I got home and tried the key, it didn't work. I realised I'd asked him to copy the wrong key. Twice. FML

by M / 05/23/2011 at 3:14pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time only to realise she squeals like a baby pig in the process. FML

by Jon / 05/23/2011 at 2:46pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Intimacy

Today, after eighteen years of living with my adoptive parents, I met my biological mum for the first time. She's a forty year old, 300lb American woman who wears 'Twilight' t-shirts and will be spending the rest of her visit to the UK trying to find Robert Pattinson. She says I remind her of herself. FML

by Adoptee / 05/22/2011 at 7:09pm / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Kids

Today, my Dad married his fiancée, who insists I call her "mom". I'm three years older than her, and went to the same high school. She's taking me shopping next week to buy me something "nice". FML

by quickfingers100 / 05/22/2011 at 5:31am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

by Anonymous / 05/21/2011 at 10:18am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up needing to wee. I was at my boyfriend's and didn't want to wake him, so I sat on the edge of the toilet and peed as quietly as possible. I realised after that I'd sat too far over and had peed on the floor. There was no loo paper. FML

by lionhead14 / 05/20/2011 at 3:05pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister and I both got "good luck" cards from our aunt wishing us well on our exams. My sister's said "We know you will do well". Mine said "We will love you no matter what happens". FML

by simonjudy / 05/14/2011 at 4:09pm / United Kingdom (Warwickshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

by Anonymous / 05/14/2011 at 9:17am / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

by Anonymous / 05/11/2011 at 1:34pm / United Kingdom (West Sussex) / Animals

Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML

by Kyle / 05/10/2011 at 6:48am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous