FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, at a family dinner, I found the courage to tell my husband's parents about my schizophrenia. They exchanged weird looks and then there was an uncomfortable silence. Then my father-in-law finally says, "Christ. The grandkids won't come out all nutty, right?" FML

by Anonymous / 03/09/2016 at 1:54pm / United Kingdom (Cumbria) / Health

Today, my father complained to me about his lack of money. He makes twice as much as me, and doesn't pay rent, electricity or water. FML

by estrelladam / 03/08/2016 at 3:52pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Money

Today, I had my first driving test. The instructor turned out to be the kind of twit who made me do the full 60-minute test, only to tell me afterwards that he was failing me for the only mistake I made less than 2 minutes after the test started. Time wasting tit. FML

by it's called an accelerator, grandma, get your ass in gear / 03/06/2016 at 2:59pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Miscellaneous

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

by all arsed out / 03/06/2016 at 11:50am / United Kingdom (Lincolnshire) / Health

Today, I made 2 beautifully decorated cakes for Mother's Day. One was for my mother in law and the other for my mum. I came down to pack my mum's and found they had both been half eaten. My brother in law decided he wanted to try a bit of both to decide which was better. FML

by mancuneanway / 03/06/2016 at 8:11am / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, a crazy homeless guy got angry because I wouldn't sell him a bottle of vodka at half price. He got so irrationally mad, he put his fingers down his throat and threw up on my checkout. FML

by NotBeingPaidEnough / 03/03/2016 at 8:17am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work

Today, my mum asked when she's getting grandkids. I had to tell her that, at 21 years old, I hadn't even managed to get a boyfriend yet. FML

by loser / 03/01/2016 at 7:20pm / United Kingdom (Leeds) / Love

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

by Spraylady / 02/29/2016 at 4:45pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, I attended a TEDx conference. The woman sitting next to me spent the whole time picking her nose, playing with the retrieved contents, and sticking her hand down her pants. FML

by geekpower / 02/29/2016 at 4:59am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I've recently become serious about getting fit, and have lost nearly 84 pounds. Apparently, when I was fat, I made her look smaller in comparison. When I got slimmer, she insisted I either gain the weight back or she'd leave. So she did. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2016 at 10:57am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2016 at 6:49am / United Kingdom (East Sussex) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter taught me the literal meaning of "When the shit hits the fan." FML

by WhosGoingToCleanThisUp / 02/26/2016 at 2:52pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, I got accused of ruining my girlfriend's birthday, all because I accidentally got her the same birthday present as her mother did. FML

by Harry641 / 02/23/2016 at 5:53pm / United Kingdom (Hounslow) / Love