FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, my 4-month-old puppy made a break for it as soon as I opened the front door. I had to run after her barefoot, in just my dressing gown. It was raining. I fell over, forgot to break my fall and skidded along the unsurfaced road. She came back on her own while I was was laid on the floor. FML

by ouch / 12/01/2016 at 6:38pm / United Kingdom (North Yorkshire) / Animals

Today, the police gave me a ticket for obstructing a loading bay as the vehicle "was not parked within the loading bay markings". I couldn't get the vehicle fully into the loading bay because there was a police vehicle in the way. FML

by Professor FacePalm / 11/28/2016 at 6:22pm / United Kingdom / Transportation

Today, I missed an important meeting at work because I was vomiting from painful cramps. Just last week I was recommending that everyone get the implant because I hadn't had symptoms in two years. FML

by Bawsack / 11/22/2016 at 4:45am / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Health

Today, I woke up and opened my curtains to see my gardener up a ladder in front of my window tending to the plants growing up the side of the wall. This would've been fine if his ballsack wasn't hanging out his shorts. FML

by dieders / 11/21/2016 at 1:34am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I discovered that the fire alarm in my building will go insane when I'm trying to cook chicken, but won't make a sound when my towels start actually burning on the radiator. FML

by murtato / 11/19/2016 at 7:40pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at my job in a pub, I was cleaning the pub garden ready for closedown. There was a girl crouched on the floor under a table. By the time I'd realised what she was doing and turned around, she'd already finished, apologised, and left me to clean up her piss. FML

by wtfamidoing98 / 11/19/2016 at 2:54pm / United Kingdom (Ceredigion) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

by theuglyone / 11/14/2016 at 2:40pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love

Today, I have been vomiting for 4 days. Tomorrow, my landlord is insisting on inspecting my flat. I now either have to clean my house whilst trying not to throw up all around it, or fail my inspection. FML

by Homeless? / 11/07/2016 at 6:07am / United Kingdom (Gloucestershire) / Health

Today, I was talking to my best friend about how much of an asshole my ex-boyfriend is. After about 2 hours of non-stop bitching, turns out she's actually dating him. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2016 at 11:31am / United Kingdom (Windsor and Maidenhead) / Love

Today, my girlfriend woke me with a surprise up on my birthday. Unfortunately, it was her screaming at the top of her lungs and punching me in the face because of a nightmare. FML

by happybidet / 10/31/2016 at 9:02am / United Kingdom / Love

Today, I found out my landlord has bought himself a new boat. He refuses to turn up the heating to save money. I'm freezing. FML

by Too Many Layers / 10/24/2016 at 2:43pm / United Kingdom (Devon) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

by Anonymous / 10/20/2016 at 9:17am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Health

Today, after a week of rejoicing that my petty, passive-aggressive, bullying neighbours were moving away, I came home to find the "to let" board had been outside the wrong house the whole time. It's actually the people I really like who are moving away. FML

by Jade / 10/15/2016 at 7:22am / United Kingdom (Brent) / Miscellaneous