FMLs submitted from United Kingdom

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

by Anonymous / 09/28/2016 at 9:08am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Health

Today, I realised that as I get closer to home, I drive slower and slower so I'm away from my husband for longer. FML

by tedfragle / 09/28/2016 at 5:52am / United Kingdom (Bournemouth) / Love

Today, it's my last day at my job because I'm moving to another city. My boss handed me a card and chocolates. The same boss that didn't sign the card because, "Even though you're a great employee, I probably won't remember your name in a fortnight." I've been there three years. FML

by Bawsack / 09/26/2016 at 6:10am / United Kingdom (Edinburgh, City of) / Work

Today, I had my first interview. Everything was going well until I made him repeat his name numerous times, as I couldn't understand what he was saying due to his thick accent. FML

by NoJob / 09/24/2016 at 2:41am / United Kingdom (Redcar and Cleveland) / Work

Today, I visited my Aunt in hospital. Another patient got jealous, so she threw a tantrum. She threw things at us, pulled her drip out, threw herself to the floor, screamed, pounded the floor with her fists and pissed herself. My aunt is still waiting for a new room, and the staff blame me. FML

by ANON / 09/21/2016 at 10:09am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Health

Today, I ate out, even though I was tired. When my main course arrived, I realised I had sent both my forks away with the starter plate. Rather than say anything, I ate dinner with two knives. FML

by knife knife / 09/19/2016 at 8:38pm / United Kingdom (Midlothian) / Miscellaneous

Today, I screamed at a taxi driver to not run over a hedgehog. He got a fright and ended up pulling over. I hopped out and ran to the middle of the road to pick up the hedgehog and leave him on the grass by the path. As I got closer and went to pick up said hedgehog, I realised it was a pinecone. FML

by simpleasjam / 09/19/2016 at 10:27am / United Kingdom (Sutton) / Animals

Today, I found out why my wife has been upset with me for the last week. She told me this morning that I did something to upset her on our date night last Friday, she won't tell me what, and she said she'll leave me if I do it again. FML

by dazedandconfused / 09/18/2016 at 5:44am / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Love

Today, in science class, I was bored and playing with a paper towel, dipping it into a container of water. When my teacher caught me and asked what I was doing, I panicked and said I was 'drying the water'. FML

by slitherasssnape / 09/13/2016 at 2:53pm / United Kingdom (Milton Keynes) / Work

Today, I called my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to come watch a movie. He seemed eager, until I said I needed the company because my period had started. He then went dead silent, waited a few seconds before starting to fake-snore, then hung up on me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/07/2016 at 10:00am / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I finished writing my Masters thesis. It's 25,000 words long. I showed it to my tutor, who told me it was completely wrong and that I have to start again from scratch. It's due in two weeks. FML

by n3rdzgotskillz / 09/06/2016 at 10:45pm / United Kingdom (Birmingham) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2016 at 10:50am / United Kingdom (Somerset) / Love

Today, I accidentally sent my boss an explicit text message. She replied saying, "Very detailed, if only you put that much effort into your work". FML

by whoops / 09/02/2016 at 10:49am / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Work