FMLs submitted from South Africa

Today, while being intimate with my future husband, I reached over to stroke his cheek. The light behind him cast a shadow over my chest, and it scared me so much, I screamed then I farted on him. FML

by Dramaqueenfornothing / 04/27/2016 at 6:32pm / South Africa (Western Cape) / Love

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating after she read some of my messages I sent to an old female friend. Apparently I'm very flirty with her. I showed her the same kind of messages that I sent to my guy friends as well. Now I'm apparently gay and cheating. FML

by Anonymous / 03/27/2016 at 12:46am / South Africa (Western Cape) / Love

Today, my mum wants me to see a psychologist because I've been acting strange lately. If by "strange" she means "not wanting to die any more", then sure. But thanks, I could've used that psychologist 3 years ago when I asked for one. FML

by Anonymous / 02/26/2016 at 3:22pm / South Africa (Eastern Cape) / Health

Today, my new girlfriend's father made good on his "What you do to her I do to you" threat when he took me out for drinks and then drunkenly hit on me. FML

by whattheactualfuck / 01/22/2016 at 7:50am / South Africa (KwaZulu-Natal) / Miscellaneous

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML

by snortingspunk / 12/03/2015 at 7:52am / South Africa / Intimacy

Today, after working my ass off for months trying to prove myself, I received an email from my boss regarding the end-year function. Excited to be invited, I opened the email just to see I'm the only one being left behind to answer the phones. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2015 at 5:41am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Work

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

by fabz / 11/27/2015 at 7:39am / South Africa (Western Cape) / Work

Today, my dad introduced me as his pet orangutan. I'm a redhead. FML

by philosophicallll / 09/28/2015 at 4:25pm / South Africa (Western Cape) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my dad's order of hair clippers arrived. I've been putting off getting a haircut for a while now, and he offered to give me one for free. Long story short, he managed to ruin the hair clippers, and I now look like a diseased palm tree. FML

by paaaallllmmmssss / 09/25/2015 at 11:40pm / South Africa (Gauteng) / Miscellaneous

Today, after missing college for a week due to illness, I found out my "friends" were bullshitting me about us having to write an important no-extension Biology essay. Copious amounts of my sweat, snot and tears went into that desperation-fueled nightmare. Thanks, dickheads. FML

by Anonymous / 08/28/2015 at 2:39am / South Africa (Western Cape) / Work

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

by sstahpp / 08/20/2015 at 5:24pm / South Africa (Gauteng) / Miscellaneous

Today, my husband and I told my parents that I finally managed to conceive. My mom burst into tears of joy and said how great it was that she's finally going to be a "real" grandma, all within earshot of our adopted and now-devastated daughter. FML

by Anonymous / 08/19/2015 at 11:00am / South Africa / Kids

Today, I am 1,000 days sober and drug-free. I suffer from depression and I am craving terribly. I have a migraine and a bladder infection. And I can deal with all of this. But what I can't deal with is my dipshit coworker asking if I want to go out for drinks and snort cocaine to celebrate. FML