FMLs submitted from New Zealand

Today, I was cuddling in bed with my boyfriend when he started squeezing me as if I were a ketchup bottle. He said he wanted my period to end quicker, and he honestly thought that would work. FML

by Keladrylady / 04/17/2015 at 8:47pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was outside with my two new kittens. A woman came rushing over, saying how glad she was that they were outside. She then started complaining that she had only been able to see them through the windows previously. I have no idea who she is or where she lives. FML

by cat.imakittycat. / 04/07/2015 at 3:14am / New Zealand (Taranaki) / Animals

Today, I took my class to swimming lessons at the local public pool. One student came out and proudly told me that she'd pooed in the shower, but it was OK because she'd then picked it up and flushed it down the toilet. FML

by Teach / 03/31/2015 at 3:40am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Kids

Today, I mentioned to my mum that one of my friends is pregnant. She decided I was lying, that I'm the one who's actually pregnant, and that I'm going to get checked out by a doctor. FML

by ellabellabooboo / 03/21/2015 at 10:27pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Health

Today, my maths class and I had to sit through a slideshow of photos of our teacher's cat. The cat's name is Mr Cat. FML

by Anonymous / 03/18/2015 at 5:44am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, as I was trying to remove my lunch from the hot oven tray, my finger brushed against the metal for a moment, and I instinctively put it in my mouth. I burnt my tongue, on my finger. I didn't realize that was possible. FML

by numbtongue / 03/13/2015 at 12:19am / New Zealand (Otago) / Health

Today, a photo of my friends and me was posted in our college group. I didn't notice my legs looked enormous until my friend pointed it out. Her comment got 50 likes. FML

by ImNotFat / 02/17/2015 at 11:22pm / New Zealand / Miscellaneous

Today, my date bumped into her ex-husband, who decided to join us for the rest of the dinner. FML

by jimmy_poison / 02/08/2015 at 7:19pm / New Zealand (Waikato) / Love

Today, I found out the pet name my girlfriend gave my penis wasn't randomly made up after all; it's her ex's name. FML

by Anonymous / 01/21/2015 at 3:33am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Intimacy

Today, I was fired for "blatant, inexcusable racism". My boss had asked me which website background I preferred for our company, and I said that white backgrounds are usually best. He thinks that I believe in white supremacy, and that's bad for the company's image. FML

by Jem / 01/10/2015 at 10:02pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Work

Today, I was trying on wedding dresses with my future sister-in-law who is a little bigger than me. We tried on a similar dress and she said it looked better on me because I'm skinny. Instead of saying, 'No way' or 'It looks great on you', I accidentally said 'Yeah, I know'. FML

by bridezilla / 12/31/2014 at 2:47am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Health

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook showing a side-by-side view of me before and after I'd tried out my new makeup. My dad commented, "What is this, Gollum cosplaying an Orc?" My mum, brother, and over 20 "friends" liked his comment. FML

by Anonymous / 12/19/2014 at 2:36pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Geek

Today, I ate at Subway during my lunch hour. A group of teenage girls sat down at the table next to mine. They all shared good laugh about the "friendless, chubby chick" sitting near them, while attempting to discreetly point at me. FML

by endure_survive / 12/14/2014 at 10:17pm / New Zealand (Waikato) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.