FMLs submitted from India

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML

by jeoak / 01/30/2013 at 12:25pm / India / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML

by thegirlofthedad / 01/29/2013 at 4:48am / India (Maharashtra) / Miscellaneous

Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML

by Username / 02/13/2012 at 4:31pm / India / Kids

Today, the man of my dreams kissed me. It was everything I had imagined it would be until in the middle of the kiss, he burped. FML

by ac-hoo / 02/04/2012 at 9:52am / India (Delhi) / Love

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

by Anonymous / 02/02/2012 at 1:07pm / India / Intimacy

Today, my parents want me to become a lawyer, all because our family members keep getting into feuds and court cases. I'm a successful developer, and run my own company. FML

by me_the_maniak / 01/12/2012 at 5:14am / India (Maharashtra) / Work

Today, I slashed my ass open with a shard of glass. How? I was making out with my crush, and threw my glasses on the ground. I forgot about them when we decided to lie down. FML

by Dockin / 01/11/2012 at 12:19pm / India / Intimacy

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

by Anonymous / 01/10/2012 at 12:43pm / India / Kids

Today, my mum read a forwarded email, and is now convinced that eating processed food will make my ovaries shrink and disappear. Now she goes batshit crazy if she sees me eating potato chips. FML

by sohungry / 01/02/2012 at 7:18am / India (Maharashtra) / Health

Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML

by stinkypants / 11/09/2011 at 10:15pm / India / Health

Today, I was online looking up ways to lose weight, get thinner and be healthier, all the while eating a slab of brownie that was half the size of my head. FML

by Fattymuch / 09/14/2011 at 10:27am / India (Karnataka) / Health

Today, it's my birthday. I've been dropping strong hints all year about wanting to learn to tap-dance, hoping for some decent tap shoes. Instead, I got a beekeepers outfit and some furry dice to hang on my wreck of a car's rear-view mirror. FML

by wtf / 08/30/2011 at 8:16am / India (Delhi) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend came over to stay the night. Before she arrived, I popped a viagra to spice things up. She then informed me that she was on her period and didn't feel comfortable doing it. I had a headache and a massive boner all night. FML

by RohnAbheek / 08/21/2011 at 1:36pm / India (Maharashtra) / Intimacy