FMLs submitted from Germany

Today, I came back to my dormitory after a long shift at work. After using the toilet, I looked at myself in the mirror, only to find a huge piece of food stuck between my front teeth. I work at one of the fanciest restaurants in town; nobody bothered to tell me anything. FML

by Eyalsh / 01/29/2015 at 11:53pm / Germany (Mecklenburg-Vorpommern) / Work

Today, a homeless guy tried to light my hair on fire with a match at the bus stop. FML

by burningman / 01/22/2015 at 5:40am / Germany (Hessen) / Transportation

Today, my boss sent me a Word document that he wanted me to make into a PowerPoint presentation for him. It was a set of proposals for the board of directors about cost-saving options. The third option was to eliminate my position in the company. FML

by HALIFAAA / 12/28/2014 at 8:56am / Germany (Niedersachsen) / Work

Today, after finally finishing a huge internal rebranding project at work, which I've poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last 12 months, I found out we're being acquired by another company and that our new brand will no longer exist. FML

by Anonymous / 12/17/2014 at 8:43am / Germany (Bayern) / Work

Today, I blew my load in less than a minute. I wasn't having sex or even making out. I was spooning. FML

by Extravirgin / 12/16/2014 at 7:01am / Germany (Bayern) / Intimacy

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

by has an old monitor / 12/05/2014 at 9:00am / Germany (Berlin) / Geek

Today, after a huge fight, my girlfriend started coming onto me. I thought it was actual make-up sex and went along with it. It was great, until she suddenly shoved me off her just as I was almost ready to come. She smugly announced she was dumping me, got dressed, then left. FML

by blueballed / 11/29/2014 at 4:08pm / Germany (Schleswig-Holstein) / Intimacy

Today, my coworker and I announced that we are spending our holidays together, because we both have kids. My boss announced he is coming with us. FML

by Carnage23 / 11/22/2014 at 5:16am / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Work

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

by fuck fof and die dad / 11/20/2014 at 2:48pm / Germany (Schleswig-Holstein) / Intimacy

Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML

by Anonymous / 11/10/2014 at 9:28am / Germany (Berlin) / Love

Today, my boyfriend gushed for several minutes about how amazing it is that I suddenly look hot when he takes his glasses off. FML

by aspiemeanswell / 11/05/2014 at 1:49pm / Germany (Thuringen) / Love

Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML

by peanutprobs / 10/31/2014 at 5:12pm / Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen) / Health

Today, I spent an hour painstakingly disassembling my antique mirror after discovering a stack of papers behind the back board. I finally got hold of one corner, and pulled out - a newspaper from 2007 and instructions for an IKEA bed. FML

by TukTuk / 10/27/2014 at 5:18pm / Germany (Sachsen) / Miscellaneous