FMLs submitted from Canada

Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML

by Anonymous / 06/01/2016 at 7:05am / Canada (Quebec) / Health

Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2016 at 11:30am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Health

Today, as I was about to meet my girlfriend's parents, she thought it would be funny to grab my junk and give me a hard-on right before they walked in. I couldn't hide it quickly enough. FML

by tigerbyrn / 05/30/2016 at 11:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, my boss wrote me up for saying "pissed" in front of a client. This is the same boss who nearly pissed himself laughing when a client made an extremely off-color Holocaust joke a few weeks ago, in front of half the department. FML

by Anonymous / 05/29/2016 at 1:05am / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my best friend got engaged. To get his girlfriend to say yes, he had to agree to dump me as a friend because she doesn't want him being best friends with a girl. FML

Today, my bank refused to replace the debit card that I lost because, to prove I was the owner, I had to tell them about my last purchase and I couldn't remember it. I showed them my ID, and that could have worked, had they not misspelt my name on the account. FML

by KaylaRox1908 / 05/27/2016 at 10:04pm / Canada (Ontario) / Money

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I started dating my crush. Turns out she's a living nightmare. FML

by Disappointed / 05/26/2016 at 4:27pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, it was my second day working as a cashier in a drug store. I thought everything went great, but by the end of my shift, my cash register was $10 short. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad if on my first day it hadn't been $30 short. FML

by TheNewCashierInTown / 05/23/2016 at 3:30pm / Canada (Quebec) / Work

Today, my new upstairs neighbours sent away a package, telling the delivery guy that the person doesn't live there anymore. The package is a birthday present from my mother in-law, and it's been sent back twice now, even after talking to them and leaving a letter for them with my name on it. FML

Today, as I was walking my dog around the block, I fell in the splits position on wet dirt and ripped my pants right on the front. I then had to walk home casually holding a chihuahua on my crotch hoping I would not run into anyone. FML

by ER1C / 05/16/2016 at 8:35am / Canada (Quebec) / Animals

Today, I'm still awake from not sleeping last night. The reason? At 2am I was in my garage when all of a sudden someone's phone went off outside. I live in the country and no one should be out there. Looks like I'm not sleeping for the next few weeks. FML.

Today, I got the wristbands in the mail for a music festival in a month and a half. This is my first time going to an event like this and I got overzealous and put it on. Now it's locked tightly on my wrist. I checked online after and it said not to put it on before you arrive at the event. FML

Today, my boss asked if I'd finished my work for the day. I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones this week, and I accidentally replied "Yes, Your Grace," British accent and all. He told me to stow my "sarcasm" or I'd be looking for a new job. FML

by Sir Davos of Shit Creek / 05/13/2016 at 4:00pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work