FMLs submitted from Australia

Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2011 at 9:49pm / Australia / Health

Today, my separation anxiety got so intense, I found myself smelling my boyfriend's pillow. FML

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

by ouch / 12/20/2011 at 7:46am / Australia (Western Australia) / Health

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

by Bob smith / 12/19/2011 at 3:57pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Work

Today, my brother and I proposed to our girlfriends at the same time. We had perfect synchronization after practicing for days. My brother's girlfriend said yes, mine said no. FML

by emmmbo / 12/19/2011 at 10:40am / Australia (Western Australia) / Love

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been using my moisturiser as lube when he wanks. It's $90 per bottle. FML

by Anonymous / 12/18/2011 at 5:09am / Australia / Intimacy

Today, the cute guy in my class asked if I wanted to come over to his house to "study" on Saturday for our finals. I went to his house expecting a good time. He actually wanted to study. FML

by SuperCoolGurl / 12/17/2011 at 8:30am / Australia / Geek

Today, my cat vomited violently. I can smell it but I can't find it. FML

by Anonymous / 12/15/2011 at 4:49pm / Australia (South Australia) / Animals

Today, my dad took me to the 'Super Butcher'. It's basically a warehouse turned into a giant, walk-in meat freezer, complete with headless pig carcasses. I'm a vegetarian. FML

by frostedmist / 12/14/2011 at 3:49am / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I found out that I'm working on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I'm spending my favourite time of the year working for $8.70 an hour. At McDonald's. FML

by myjobsucks / 12/12/2011 at 9:15pm / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 12/11/2011 at 6:54am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the pool with my new white bathers. I felt really good about myself because everyone was staring at me until this hot guy came up to me and said "Dude, your bathers are see-through. You need to shave!" FML

by Embarrassed Swimmer / 12/11/2011 at 2:23am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was getting dressed in my bedroom with the blinds open and had nothing covering my top half. I thought my neighbours wouldn't be able to see in through all the trees, that was until I heard someone wolf whistle and one of my neighbours running away. FML

by nakedness / 12/10/2011 at 8:35pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous