FMLs submitted from Australia

Today, I was using a wooden toothpick to try to get at some food that was firmly lodged between my teeth. The toothpick broke and now I also have a splinter of wood jammed in there too. FML

by False_Stupidity / 12/06/2015 at 1:19pm / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML

by Anonymous / 12/01/2015 at 4:49am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was waiting at a traffic light. I saw my neighbour and her new boyfriend crossing the road, then noticed as he started grabbing his crotch, but thought nothing of it. They both then pulled down their pants and urinated in the middle of the busy intersection. FML

by tabbycacti / 11/30/2015 at 8:06am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, my sister accused me of "leading on" her creepy best friend and said I should apologize to him for making him think he was going to get lucky. I haven't talked to the guy in over 5 years, except for one random encounter 2 days ago, where all I said was, "Hi, how have you been?" FML

by lisa / 11/29/2015 at 11:04am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I realised there's a reason that no one talks to the weird guy from choir practice. I was nice to him a couple weeks ago and now he won't stop following me around the school and watching my group at lunch from behind a pole. FML

Today, I had to carry a 25kg bag of cement to an elderly customer's car because she refused to use a cart. "You're paid to work, so I'm gonna make you work." FML

by I hate retail / 11/26/2015 at 9:26pm / Australia (Victoria) / Work

Today, I was washing my boobs in the shower when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I got super turned on at the sight of my large breasts all soaped up. I'm a man. FML

by Anonymous / 11/23/2015 at 9:19am / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy

Today, I walked in on my brother jerking off to a breast cancer awareness advert. FML

by ugh, why / 11/22/2015 at 12:12am / Australia / Intimacy

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

by MeAgainDr... / 11/13/2015 at 12:24am / Australia (Western Australia) / Health

Today, I found out that my "friends" only invite me to their parties when they need a designated driver. Apparently I'm "not fun" because I don't drink, which "ruins the party". FML

by Neednewfriends / 11/11/2015 at 9:38am / Australia / Miscellaneous

Today, one of my friends thought it would be funny to tell my psycho clinger of an ex that I still like her. It had only been a few months since she finally stopped stalking me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/11/2015 at 3:51am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was having sex with someone I've been casually seeing. He got all weird during it, and said, "That's a good girl". Once he left, I told my housemates about it. Now every time I do something nice for them, they respond, "That's a good girl". FML

by bianca131 / 11/09/2015 at 10:42pm / Australia / Intimacy

Today, my husband is sulking because he "can't" have sex with me. I've tried initiating things multiple times, but he keeps saying no, because I'm pregnant and he says it'd be exactly the same as having sex with his own kid. FML

by sigh / 11/07/2015 at 12:39am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy