FMLs submitted from Australia

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML

by knifewow / 10/20/2016 at 4:30am / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, during my shift as a vet nurse, I picked up a gorgeous cat for cuddles, only to discover it was covered with pee. And now I am too. I still have 4 hours of my shift. FML

by Anonymous / 10/19/2016 at 6:54am / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

Today, I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and things were getting heated when he got a call from one of his mates wanting to play Counter Strike. Next thing I know, I'm laying in bed by myself listening to him rage. FML

by The_Life / 10/12/2016 at 9:26am / Australia (New South Wales) / Geek

Today, I've got the worst eczema I've had in 25 years. It's spread to the worst possible spot: right where my thighs touch when I walk. FML

by ItchyGirl / 10/09/2016 at 8:07am / Australia (Victoria) / Health

Today, while at my job as a lifeguard, a little girl got stuck in the shower cubicle because the lock wouldn't open. To get her out, I had to lift the door off the hinges and swing it open, a fairly safe procedure. The hinges broke, though, and I ended up hitting the girl with the door. FML

by caitywebbkid / 10/09/2016 at 7:36am / Australia (Western Australia) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mother threatened my psychiatrist with legal action because he told her the organic and herbal "medicine" she swears by don't actually "cure" mental illness like she claims. FML

by mikki_arlert / 10/08/2016 at 1:24am / Australia (Victoria) / Health

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

by Anonymous / 10/07/2016 at 12:37pm / Australia (Queensland) / Health

Today my boyfriend and I broke up. It was a mutual decision but I was curious as to what he thought went wrong. "I was just never sure if you brushed your teeth regularly." He cheated on me twice. FML

by cannotexplain / 10/04/2016 at 10:43am / Australia / Love

Today, my patient knocked my glasses off as I assisted him in the shower. We both looked in terror as they fell into his unflushed toilet. This patient was isolated due to a contagious infection. FML

by Celewyn / 10/04/2016 at 7:11am / Australia / Work

Today, I was with my boyfriend. He got up, shut the blinds and turned around to say, "I don't usually shut the blinds, but no one can see this." Assuming we were going to have sex, I took my pants off. He asked me what I was doing, then sat down to eat an entire tub of ice cream. FML

by anonymous / 10/01/2016 at 5:00am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML

by ItWasOurAnniversary / 09/28/2016 at 8:08am / Australia / Health

Today, I had a job interview for an amazing opportunity. Too bad my nerves made me forget what the role was and where it was, mid-interview. FML

by RIP job / 09/28/2016 at 12:26am / Australia / Work

Today, while commuting to work on a peak hour train, I lost my balance and accidentally grabbed a bald mans head to steady myself. To make matters worse, the words "oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a knob" came out of my mouth before I could think about what I was saying. FML

by ShameMonkey / 09/27/2016 at 6:15am / Australia (Victoria) / Transportation