FMLs submitted from

Today, I passed my driver's test. My instructor took the learner signs off his car and let me drive back to my place. I guess he didn't bet on me crashing the car just a few blocks from the test center. FML

by Anonymous / 08/23/2015 at 1:34pm / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML

by Anonymous / 08/16/2015 at 11:49am / Intimacy

Today, a woman drove her car onto my closed worksite. Since it is hazardous for the general public, I told her to leave. Later, the police arrived and gave me hell. Apparently, I was reported for being "snippy". FML

by SteamLass765 / 08/13/2015 at 5:58am / Work

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. I was depressed so I went to the only bar in town. When I asked for a drink, I found out she works there as the bartender. FML

Today, my girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me because I refused to get her name tattooed on my chest. FML

by NoTattoo / 08/12/2015 at 1:50pm / Love

Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 08/11/2015 at 12:39am / Intimacy

Today, I was involved in a debate. Things got out of control, insults were hurled, and by the end friends were lost. The subject of the debate? Whether snot has enough calories in it to be nutritional. FML

by imma ture / 08/10/2015 at 1:04pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a text from the guy I've been in love with for 3 years, saying: "So um, I've been wondering. Did you used to be a man?" FML

by butchapparently / 08/10/2015 at 11:35am / Love

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

by Carowl / 08/04/2015 at 10:33pm / Love

Today, I was detained for trying to "illegally enter" my house, all because my parents forgot to tell me they were being evicted. FML

Today, on the bus, my blood sugar level got too low and I passed out. When I came to, the woman next to me was hitting me, saying she needed to get off and that she didn't have time for my "stupid fucking prank". FML

by qhorin halflung / 07/22/2015 at 1:35pm / Transportation

Today, a girl with a picture of One Direction as her desktop asked if I wanted to partner with her on a 70% law assignment. Two hours after saying no, I found out that she's a legal genius with a guaranteed job in the field and a near perfect GPA. FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2015 at 2:18am / Work

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

by Bleach dat Blood / 07/19/2015 at 11:02pm / Health