FMLs submitted from

Today, my boyfriend keeps requesting that I make eye contact when I give him blowjobs. He won't let up about it. I don't know how to break it to him that his penis is too small for me to suck and look upward at the same time. FML

by oh gee / 05/02/2016 at 1:01am / Intimacy

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

by Oops / 05/02/2016 at 12:21am / Animals

Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the first time. Also, for the first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML

by Bittersweet / 04/29/2016 at 12:19pm / Transportation

Today, I was teaching a friend to squat. While I was spotting him, he decided it would be a great idea to turn around. This wouldn't have been a problem, if he hadn't hit me in the face with the bar. FML

by Michael978 / 04/28/2016 at 11:40pm / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up in hospital after a night of heavy drinking. My friends told me I was beat up by the doorman. After going to the club to watch the security footage, it was revealed I actually fell on my face trying to fight, and caused more damage to myself. FML

by Anonymous / 04/13/2016 at 4:25am / Health

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

by NotTheFavoriteChild / 04/03/2016 at 12:53pm / Love

Today, my boss tried to fire me for not emailing him a screenshot to prove my email wasn't working. FML

by Anonymous / 03/26/2016 at 2:02pm / Work

Today, my parents and in-laws are in a bidding war for the house next door, since we are about to have a son. We're not even sure if we want them living this close. FML

by anonymous / 03/23/2016 at 11:02pm / Kids

Today, I had to drive down to my parents' house. On they way down, I needed to fill up on gas but unfortunately I'd forgotten my wallet at home with all of my cash and credit cards. I then had to call triple A and explain to them in all seriousness how I ran out of gas at the gas station. FML

by Anonymous / 03/15/2016 at 1:55am / Money

Today, I walked into the bathroom at work, only to witness a woman with her shirt pulled up giving herself a sink bath. FML

Today, I found out that when my boss said she was considering bumping me up to full time, she actually meant she was planning on letting me go. Everyone in the office except me knew. FML

by kellyem2 / 03/03/2016 at 1:21pm / Work

Today, while working as a hostess in a restaurant, an old lady complained to the manager that I was on heroin because she could see all the track marks on my arms. I was actually fighting a staph infection and the "track marks" were where my IV had been placed. My manager told me to cover it up. FML

Today, I went to my stepdad's funeral. He was the most important person in my life, but it didn't stop my stepsister angrily saying, "Why are you crying? He wasn't even your real dad." FML

by Anonymous / 02/24/2016 at 10:05am / Miscellaneous