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S-Kro's illustrated FML #2

So here it is, merry Christmas, everybody's having fun. Are you? Are you having fun? It's almost time for Christmas and the dreaded "family time", but there's still time to buy a plane ticket, a train ticket, or to rent a pedalo and get as far away as possible from the drama that's involved in seeing your family at Christmas. You all know what's going to happen. Uncle Charlie is going to say something blatantly racist, someone will mention a distant cousin who has become "a punk" (but she hasn't reall, she's just got a pair of torn jeans and a nose ring) and a fight will break out about the turkey being still frozen. Keep well away. We're just going to take some time out with a new illustrated FML. Murphy's Law you say? We know all about that on FML… 

S-KRO'S ILLUSTRATED FML #2

"Sometimes, it feels like the hero of the movie The Martian is really really lucky."

Self-portrait S-Kro by S-Kro
 


This week is the second installment of our love story, or friendship. We still not sure which. This is the series we’re trying out with S-Kro, who explains all things scientific in an easy to understand way.

His info:
Age: "35 according to my arteries, 17 according to my maturity."
Location: Internet
Website : His blog and his Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one with the jam


We do not know S-Kro’s real name. I think it's a pun, but I'm not sure. I ran into him during a conversation on Facebook, and I offered him to come and do something for us on FML and he agreed. He not only accepted, but he has also done several excellent illustrations, which we will progressively post these coming months! All have a common thread: the scientific explanation of the world around us, and in our case, an application to the stories contained on VDM. The idea is launched with an explanation of speed cameras and the way they work, which is so annoying for distracted or reckless motorists drivers. Yes, you know who you are. We've all been there. They speed is limited to 50 but without paying attention, we’ve ended up doing 110, the windows wide open, playing hardcore techno... Or is that just me?

Who is behind this nickname then, and what does he do? "Analyse things to solve stuff and give advice that in the end no one will pay any attention to.” I don’t know why, I immediately had in mind the image of a hamster on its wheel, constantly turning, going nowhere… And what does he need in life? “Drawing classes, but people will have quickly noticed that.” Erm, no, not particularly. Too modest, mate!

What do you enjoy in all of this? "In drawing, the feeling of creating stories and worlds is quite exhilarating, the sensation of leaving a trace at the bottom of humanity’s underpants. The creative process, which some psychoanalysts think allows us to fight against the anxiety of human beings confronting death and... well... it’s getting boring now, isn’t it?" Oh no no, not at all!

Where did you go to school and learn all this stuff? "I did my schooling quietly, maybe a bit too quietly. I worked just enough to get to the next level. If I’d had teachers (maths and science in particular) that had given me a taste for science, I would’ve been working in different areas. Let’s just say that my comics and my research have helped me catch up for lost time." We really need people who are able to explain things as clearly, these comics are a public service!

What are your plans? “Getting my comics “Clever things explained by an idiot” published. I’m also taking part in the fanzines belonging to my buddies Pinworms, Reuketeupeuh, El Guapo or Egoscopic, it’s a good laugh.” This is a great idea, getting the comics published, they’re really good. I especially liked the one about the guy growing a beard and getting asked if he was a hipster or a terrorist or dirty or any of that bullshit that I had to put up with last year when I started growing a beard out of sheer boredom. I went through exactly the same thing. So thanks!

What are your inspirations, is there someone, an event or something that made you want to get into illustration? "From my great grandfather to my father, I have always seen people draw or paint, I don’t think it helps to have a normal life and it explains a lot." And do you have heroes in life? "In the sense of exemplary characters, I would say guys like Nikola Tesla, Richard Feynman or as Stephen Hawking, but he’s crap at basketball." Claaaaaassy!

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life. "My hobby is drawing, reading boring stuff and less boring stuff, my friends, my sweetheart ... and farting in my bath." Ah, taking a bath. I miss that. I only have a shower at home. How lucky. Uh, well, yes, and how about your taste in music, books and comics, what you do you love right now? "If I had to keep a book, only one, it would be “A short history of nearly everything" by Bill Bryson. For comics, I read so much that it's hard to make a choice, especially since there's some of my friends in the comics, if I forget any of them, they’ll sulk." Yes, you’d better not then. But even so, let’s try to see if there are some artists whose blogs you check out regularly, just in case. So? "I don’t have time to visit blogs, there’s too many. But the artists who influenced me the most would be Maester and the late Coyote. I love Mo CDM, Eric Powell, Scott McFarlane too, to name but a few, the list would be very long otherwise."

A personal FML perhaps? "Once I was with a buddy and there was this girl I wanted to hook up with. I don’t know why but on TV there was a report about the lack of space in apartments when you’re in a wheelchair. I had this very drunken guy observation  and I said something like: "I don’t see what the problem is, if you fold them up with the chair, that won’t take up much space." She stood up and left the room and then I learned that her father was in a wheelchair..." My theory is that the way to test future-ex partners to see if it’ll work out is their potential to warm to our shitty sense of humour. She, sadly, didn’t make the cut. You didn’t miss out on anything.

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? "Don’t do it, you poor unfortunate soul!”

Right, that will do for this week! Thanks S-Kro thanks for taking part again. We’ll see him again in about a month with another illustration. I can’t tell you what week it will be, it’ll be another surprise. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with cats looking for each other and a dancing baby. See you next week!

How about you? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated VDM? Send us an email on contact@fmylife.com, not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1563 - Illustrated FML - On 12/17/2015 at 11:17am by Alan - 4 comments

FML's Question Time #6: What are you doing for New Year's?

We have a winner ! The votes are in, and the book goes to littlekellilee and her comment telling the story of how she's going to get her gamer tit of a boyfriend to notice her. Seriously, kick him in the chair from us!
Enjoy the holidays everyone, if you're getting any time off or spending time far away from family drama! We know we are.

------------

It's nearly Christmas, and everyone is pretending to be working hard. Yes, even us here at FML. It's time once again to have a crack at answering a question that seems to be on everyone's lips at the moment. One which is a never ending source of stress for a large part of the population. "What are we going to do?" they cry. We know. We're all in the same boat. So what's the question ? Here we go.

The idea behind this part of FML:  we ask you a question, and all you'll have to do is give your opinion, back it up with stories or something you overheard while having your teeth cleaned by a lady in dirty smock. What we are looking for are debates, exchanges and comments. There are no limits, feel free to express yourselves and get stuck in.

This time around: 


Are New Year's Eve's parties always cringefests ? 
Or are they a fantastic way to kick off the New Year?

 


What we want to know is what you have planned for New Year's Eve. And what you'd like to be doing instead. Tell us about the best ones, but mainly the worst ones you've been to. Are parties that rely on dates, and calendar changes always less fun than parties that are thrown together at the last-minute? Have you spent ages planning a NYE party, only for it to be totally anticlimactic? Or have you had the opposite happen to you? So, there you go, what do you think we can expect at the end of the month? 

This month, as last month, and as it's Christmas, to make things interesting, we're adding a prize for the best story told!

The best story wins an FML book (the winner will be evaluated on the amount of thumbs up + our totally arbitrary judgement). Tell us the story of your New Year's Eve party that went wrong. Or went wrong, but then went right. But it has to be true. The best story will be sent a book, to help you enjoy the New Year with us in mind. Keep in mind that it'll be based on all sorts of arbitrary factors like spelling, votes from the other users, length, girth, sturdiness. You know the sort of thing we like. 



 

 

Like before, to start you off, we've asked a few people what they thought about the whole thing. 

"In space, NYE is too much of an abstract concept. It depends what planet I'm on. And I smoke so much Mary Jane, I hardly know which planet I come from, dude." - Darth Vador

"New Year's Eve is just another example of the way the patriarchy is trying to impose onto women a way to dress, I mean, come on, I'm not putting on a dress that sparkles just to impress people or because I need to buy a new calendar for my kitchen." - My next-door neighbour, the sociology student

"I love New Year's Eve, but I've been told that this year it's on Friday the 13th so I'm a bit worried." - Nicki Minaj


There, you get the idea. 

Tell us anything, but tell it from your heart. OK, that sounded crap. Just tell us what you think and what New Year's Eve means to you. Get on with it! Work can wait 'til Monday, procrastinate a little.

#1562 - About FMyLife - On 12/17/2015 at 3:46am by Alan - 102 comments

Auntie Bernie's Monthly Advice #3

Greetings my young friends! It's another one of my little advice columns. Yes, I've been reading through your lovely little letters, and pissing my panties at your poor spelling, atrocious grammar, and the frankly pathetic little problems you have. Only joking. Or am I? I'm here to set you young nitwits on the straight and narrow, because it seems that you've strayed onto some sort of whiny pathway that can only lead to bad music and bad alcohol. Yes, I was once like you, young and naive. I thought that love was the answer, and that by crying into my pillow because the person I thought I loved hadn't spoken to me for a week, I would feel better. But I never did. Then one day, I'd had enough, I booted life in the crotch and stood up for myself. Now I'm old and grey, and I can safely say that I never took shit from anyone, man, woman or mineral. The best friend I've ever had is my dog, Maurice. So let's stop being annoying, let's grin and bear it, because this whole "woe is me" shtick is getting on my tits. On with the show.

How does this work: You were asked if you had any problems, whether of the heart, the penis, the tits or any other organ that evolution gave you (don't start). I'd read them from the comfort of my armchair, and spit out whatever advice I'd deem necessary. I dictate my stuff to a young man from FML who is quite incompetent and who seems to trip over his own shadow, but you can't get decent staff these days so I'm stuck with him. I don't do one-to-one sessions, I don't have a couch or a notepad to listen to each and every one of you, you'll have to glean whatever information you can from each month's replies. Or go to one of those expensive therapists, who'll nod and go, "Hmmmm" while counting their money.


The therapist is the one with the pen, the patient is the one protecting his knob.


I've been reading your complaints. Someone asked how "young" I was. Are you an idiot? It's in my profile, or so I'm told. To write to me, you have to click on my profile, so it's written right there. Is this what it's come to, people asking me to give them answers which are already displayed on the FML website-thing? Just in case people are wondering, the moon isn't made of cheese and Elvis is dead. Anyway, let's get to it. Please remember that everyone featured on this page is a willing participant, and understood what they were getting into.
 

I'm just a John Lennon song


Our first question of the week is an anonymous one:

"Hey Aunt Bernie. If you don't mind, I'd like to stay anonymous. Anyways, I need some help. I am unbelievably jealous of my boyfriend, and I need to stop feeling this way. How do I just stop? Thanks."

Jealousy is so unhealthy. And ugly. It's the quickest way to make someone run for the hills. The poor guy has probably done nothing to deserve it, so chill out. The thing you have to remember about jealous people is that they only think that way because they're projecting onto other people what they themselves are capable of. For instance, if you think he's going to cheat on you, take a long hard look in the mirror. Trust is what you need. I'm not blaming you, maybe you've been hurt before, maybe you pick people who comfort your opinion of relationships. Maybe you're just jealous of his drumming abilities or his shoes, and I've misunderstood the question. How do you "just stop"? You can't. It's an insecurity issue. Love yourself more instead of worrying if he's loving someone else.
 

Dream Baby Dream


Zharks1010 needs to know more about getting parents to listen:

"Hey Auntie Bernie, I really want to become an author when I grow up, but my parents said that they won't accept me as their child if I don't go to medical school and become a doctor. Any help here? Thanks"

Parents are idiots. There, I said it. They all want the best for their kids, they really do, but they always screw their kids' heads up. I might have quoted the Philip Larkin poem before, but I'm going to quote it again:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
  They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
  And add some extra, just for you.

That said, not all dreams are meant to be followed. You might turn out to be a terrible author. But that's not for your parents to decide. It's less dangerous for you to become an author and be terrible, than for you to go to medical school and be a terrible doctor. At least when you're an author, the only people you can kill are fictional. So don't panic, wait til you're 18 and tell your parents where to stick their opinions. Write a book about them.

 

Mr Perfect


PeppermintPenny is in quandary:

"Hi aunt Bernie, 
I have a huge crush on this guy who lives on the same floor as me. He's amazing. Tall, nice, talented, funny and really good looking. He plays guitar, sings, plays basketball and speaks like 4 different languages. The whole package. Meanwhile I barely have any hobbies or talents. I feel like I can't keep up. I've never even kissed a guy, let alone had a relationship, and next to him I feel plain. I want him to like me, I've texted him a few times and he doesn't seem that interested. I wanna be more interesting, but I really don't want to change in order to get him to like me because that would feel like play pretend and wouldn't be fair to the both of us. I don't know what to do and I fear now, that I'll be uninteresting forever and for everyone. I want him so much, but I don't really feel worthy of him. What can I do?"

Wow, how big is the pedestal you've built for this guy? It seems like it's higher than the sun. The thing about having a crush on someone is that it the sunlight blinds you to their flaws. Yeah, he plays guitar, but he only knows that shitty song about Mrs Brown's lovely daughter, and he can't sing. He can speak 4 languages you say? One of those is Klingon. I'm guessing that the "whole package" here is that he's really good looking and that he's not paying any attention to you. You, on the other hand, are underestimating yourself. "Oh, I'm plain, I'm boring, I have no interests!" What are you blathering about? You must have SOME interests. You're not in a coma. You can talk. You can form thoughts. But you're right about one thing: you don't have to change. And another thing: you don't HAVE to have a relationship with this guy. Just because you have a crush doesn't mean it has to happen. Sometimes, it's not meant to be. You're not comfortable around this guy, he makes you feel inadequate. Hardly the start of a great relationship now, is it? Find someone who makes you feel special, not plain. Get out there instead of drooling over the next door neighbor. For all you know, he pisses on the toilet seat and he's a closet racist.


Crushed


Remometol is hesitating: 

"Hi, I need your help, or I probably won't be writing this. I'm in one of those "confess and risk breaking the friendship" problems: my crush of 2 years (don't judge) is moving to a different country in a few weeks. She's a good friend, but I'm not in the friend zone. We've had good times and bad times, and were even in a relationship for a month, so on one hand I don't want to ruin our friendship by saying I like her, and on the other hand I don't want to waste my chance. She'll be back next year, but I think that my chances will get lower and lower if I wait. I'm ready to have a long distance relationship with her if it comes to that. We're both 18 and studying now, and she's one of the people I respect the most (you're above her on the list, naturally) so I want to stay in touch."

Oh dear, another "friendzone" reference. What is it with you young people and this mystical "friendzone"? It doesn't exist. It's just a buzzword. You're either friends or you're not. You can't pretend to be friends with a girl, hoping to get your penis inside her vagina just because you're nice to her. The attraction is either there or it isn't. The people who talk about "friendzones" are always doing so in the context of people who are totally out of their league. Sorry, but it's true. In my heyday, I was no catch. On my better days, I looked like a biker chick and I was fine with that. But I had no pretence of going after the captain of the football team (then again, I hated jocks), because we weren't on the same level of hotness. These young guys, complaining about being "friendzoned", it's always young twits harping on about cute young things who are way hotter than they are. Get real, guys. As for you, Remometol, you've had a relationship with this girl for a month after crushing on her for TWO YEARS. She's moving to A DIFFERENT COUNTRY, I mean, come on, just be a good friend and be supportive and stop thinking about trying to poon her. Keep in touch, stop trying to touch her keep. Move on, find a girl who actually fancies the pants off you. You tit.
 

My sister


Last question from ProximityToDeath, who is concerned about her sister

"Dear Auntie Bernie, 
I am so lost when it comes to my older sister and I don't know what to do. She just turned 18 and has been constantly throwing me under the bus in favour of her boyfriend. She makes promises to help me and then the next second she is blowing me off to spend time with him instead; even when it came to my birthday. I know people change and grow, but I can't count on her for anything anymore. What do I do?"


Hang on. You're complaining about your sister hanging out with her boyfriend instead of you? What is this, some sort of Greek tragedy? Is there something missing from this story? I'm reading between the lines here but... I don't understand the problem, because that's what happens when you're young. You have boyfriends and girlfriends, and family takes a backseat. Well, not literally, that would be weird. Although, the way you put it, it almost seems like you WANT to be in the backseat. Just let her get on with it, find yourself your own love life and have some fun!
 

There, that'll do for this month. As I've said, if you wrote to me and you're a bit saddened to see that you weren't featured in this month's column, don't despair! You might appear next month. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message in the comments under the article. 


Who let the dogs out?
 

This is last part of the column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to other people (In doubt? Google reverse image search) and claim "That's me!", I'm talking about the people who are brave (or stupid) enough to put their real face on FML, and who have agreed to appear here.

This week, we're taking a look at dramaelf. This is definitely the new look for this winter. In 2016, everyone will be wearing gas masks in their profile pictures or in the supermarkets. I think I still have mine from when I went to protest against the Vietnam war. Or was it when I was into weird stuff in Berlin? Anyway, the double Vs are a cultural thing, they're either a British "Fuck you, you wankers" (which I learned during my time following Pink Floyd around) or they're one of these poses that are gang-influenced but don't actually mean anything, besides "I don't know what to do with my hands when a camera is pointed at me, help!" I'm going with the second possibility, because that jacket would never be worn by someone who listens to decent music. And the less said about the nail varnish, the better.

 

That's my third monthly column over with. I hope you liked it. Or hated it. Either way, come back next month, maybe you'll be featured if you've written to me. Maybe just write if you want to be featured as the profile picture person. Makes no difference. In any case, don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young twits of FML.

Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf

#1556 - About FMyLife - On 12/07/2015 at 11:36am by Auntie Bernie - 19 comments

Nathalie Jomard's illustrated FML

It's Friday, it's FML. It's illustrated FML time. How is everyone? We're on the last stretch to Christmas, which means a lot to some people, and absolutely nothing to others. Here at FML towers, we like the sparkly lights and shiny balls, and that's about it. Oh, and "Last Christmas" by Wham. Yep, that'll do. This weeks we're having a shorter illustrated FML than usual, it's a crossover thing due to a book being released in France. This week, we're having the illustrator who did the drawings that are in the book. Simple enough, huh?

NATHALIE JOMARD'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"My hero? I'm torn between T’Choupi the penguin and Einstein's granny."

Self portrait Nathalie by Nathalie
 


This week is Nathalie is with us, also known as "Nathalie Jomard, Tata Nath, Official Jester of the self-proclaimed Republic of Grumeauland".

Her info:
Age: "A quarter to five before Kinder Bueno"
Location: "Grumeauland"
Website: Her blog
Her illustrated FML: The one with the paper


Nathalie is here to show us one of the many illustrations in our new (french) book. We will also introduce her a bit. “Basically, I am an author and illustrator. This means that, according to my Aunt Fernande’s definition, I spend my days drawing and playing around with Mickey Mouses and colouring things with water soluble Crayolas, instead of having a real serious business like insurance salesman for people with flat feet or orthopaedic surgeon. So, I illustrated albums and I write, I work for the press, in publishing and advertising. Incidentally, I’m also the Jester of the self-proclaimed Republic of Grumeauland since the year 2008 of the post-Pleistocene blogo-era. And when I'm bored and I want to cause the third world war on the world wide web, I post on my Facebook page funny and quite innocent drawings about light subjects like epidurals or breastfeeding (trivial but highly controversial subjects, with a fight guaranteed to break out between the pro and anti groups - in the age of 2.0, we entertain ourselves in any way we can). " Okay. If you want to go like the page of the republic in question, it’s here!

What do you like about what you do? "I like the idea of ??not having to sell insurance for people with flat feet. And if I had to complain about something, it would probably be a chronic shortage of capillary public duty amongst the Borneo urang-utans.”

What kind of path leads someone to illustrate a book for VDM (FML's french version)? "A high school diploma obtained after 265.8 years (too long to detail, I was on the verge of completing my studies at the age of retirement). But I have a Masters in International pencil sharpening, with a nap option in lecture theatres and a BA in freestyle scrawlings on political economy papers. After that, I decided that since I can’t be President of the Republic due to the fact that the function does not give any particular food benefits or holiday vouchers, I would just make drawings, so there! " So she finds herself with us today to illustrate voluntarily. When I asked her to select a picture from the ones in the book, she chose the one we published today by explaining that, “I have a crappy sense of humour :)" Luckily, so do we.

I'm not sure I dare ask what are your plans are... "Marrying Bruce Springsteen before he reaches a hundred centenary (if not, I'll just eat a custard pie in front of the weather)." I thought as much. Bruce has inspired generations of moistness.

What are your inspirations, is there someone, event or something that made you want to start drawing? "One day, I saw a painting by Caravaggio. I thought that since I'll never paint as well and with so much talent, I had to offer the world a new conception of art. And that’s how I became a world reference in the field of drawing cats butts." Looking through her blog and her many works that are now available for sale, we can see that cats are indeed in the spotlight. Although cats, by nature, don’t expect to be put in the spotlight. They put themselves in it. Cat bastards.

Who are the main artists that you like and whose blogs you check out frequently? “Does the Weather Channel website count?” Since their predictions sometimes give the impression that they were made by bug-eyed artists with huge imagination, I'll say yes.

Your news, if you have any? “Due to a subtle calendar coincidence, I’m doing this interview now, just as the book I illustrated for you has come out. I’m thus patting us on the back for such perfect timing and being so topical. For the rest, amongst other things, I’m currently working on my next album due out in the spring. After which I’ll probably sleep for a month to make up for all my sleepless nights I’m having at the moment. " If you want to come back in February to talk about it, and do another illustration for us while telling us all about the book, just give us a bell.

How come you ended up working on the VDM book? "One morning in June (which a 9 to 10-month margin of error, I have the memory of a goldfish), my editor wrote to tell me she had a nice project to offer.” And you refused it to do the VDM book instead? That’s so nice!

Your recent favorites in film, music, books, TV series and / or comics? "With the invaluable literary influence of Furax (my son), I can boast that I’ve read the complete works of T'Choupi (in its original version, no subtitles). Series and reading books. Making origami objects. But drawing remains my ultimate hobby!" This T'Choupi, I often hear about this guy. I don’t have children, so it remains unclear to me who he is, but often I hear people whispering his name, often in a context similar to “I’ve had enough of T'Choupi. T'Choupi this, T'Choupi that. Can’t wait for this to be over." Trotro is often mentioned in the same way, or worse. I even heard a mother say that Trotro was a "dirty junkie and I want him to die." It’s a mysterious world. It's easier to manage cats.

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life. "I looove not watching any TV shows (I mean, none at all), just for the pleasure of not knowing what people are talking about when they are talking about season 528 of 'The Walking desperate game of potatoes’.” That sounds like a fun game. I want to do that, the next time I find myself in the company of Game of Thrones fans.
 

If you had to tell us your own VDM,  the most VDM-esque thing that has happened to you, what would it be? "One day I was born ... and that's where the trouble started." I knew that joke, but it involved a priest, a rabbi and an Irishman.

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? "It's better than selling insurance to people with flat feet." That's certainly true. Although, insurers are ... though no, nothing, it's true, there's no comeback to that.

There, that's it for this week. Nathalie, thank you for your excellent illustrations for our new book. Next week we should be back to normal. Or will we? You never know. Until then, be excellent to each, have fun, and get me a new jacket for Christmas. Thanks!

How about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated VDM? Send us an email on contact@fmylife.com, not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1561 - Illustrated FML - On 12/04/2015 at 8:24am by Alan - 3 comments

The Best of the Worst #20

Here we are in November! Winter is here, for most of us, it's dark, grey and depressing and if you're the kind of person who watches network news 24/7, you're probably going to need some cheering up. So, as it's almost time to start putting up the Christmas tree, or to complain about people who have put their Chistmas trees up too early, here's the welcome return of the monthly trawl through the FML postbag for more strange stuff to show you guys. Here's this month's selection.

For the people who have never seen this column before: we get sent heaps of FMLs, each day, every day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are copies of previous FMLs, or are simply too crap. But we also get sent really weird stories, if you can call them stories, and that's what we post here. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to us. Check this month's selection!
 

10:15 on a Saturday night 

Today, I was hearing what sounded like water dripping from somewhere, turns out wasn’t even water my bottle of RC didn’t close all the way

Tinfoil

Today, i realized the governments controlling hurricane sandy through wheather control HAARP (proven) & they authorized martial law. im in PA, worst state for all wheather conditions. im fucked. this is for elections & depopulation. may be dead in 24-48, 72-144 hours. & flat broke. just greeat. FML!

Johnny Johnny ouuuh

Today, my mom raped me and when she did me she said oh johnny and that’s my dads name.my name is jacoby when i said that she looked down at me and said your not johnny

Baby got back

Today, my friend had my phone I got it back on a porn site

Animal balloons

Today I had sex with a clown. When i woke up, my penis was twisted into a giraffe. FML

Objects

Today,my boss scolded me bcz I tried 2 correct him. My boss is a diploma holder,Im a degree. FML

Urges

Today, I saw my manager and she is just hot as fuck. I literally want to fuck her at work

Seafood

just casually sitting, a small foreign man appears from behind me. Instead of asking or talking, he screams. DO YOU WANT COCK TONIGHT? i think i got spinach or something fucked on my face. My boss has since proceeded to call me prawnstetiute.

Fore!

I like to sing French nusery-rhymes. Le Pont D'Avignon is a favorite of mine. So, while I was singing – quite loudly – with my friend in the park, I somehow managed to mess up “et puis encore comme ca” and say “et puis encore circumcision.” The Rabbi sitting next to us heard me. FML.

Noam

Today, my penis felt really awkward. It kind of itched and stung a little, all at the same time. I went to the doctor and they told me I had three days to live so I ate my own penis. Then I found out the doctors were just making a joke so I killed myself by chomping on my testicles. FML.

That's it for this month. We'll be back in the new year, or around New year's for some more bizarre FMLs, because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. Take care!
 

 

Bonus track: Another important message, which we should all enjoy for it's positivity.
 

Peace, Love and Harmony

Today, I farted on a cat it was nice

#1560 - About FMyLife - On 11/30/2015 at 6:12am by Alan - 59 comments