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Monsieur K & Myster B's illustrated FML

There's a saying that goes something like those who ignore the past are condemned to repeat it. Something like that. This is why television channels seem obsessed with M*A*S*H* re-runs. You can't change the past, but you can imagine what it would be like if you could go back in time and mess about with it. Many people annoy others with their theories on what they would do and where they would go if they could go back in time, usually at parties. No one wants to know how you would kill baby Hitler. And if time travel was ever invented, we would know because people would've shown up by now. Anyway, this week's illustrators know a thing or two about fiddling about with the course of time. Let's check 'em out.

MONSIEUR K & MYSTER B'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"Who are our heroes? Well, erm... Ourselves! We are the Magni-fi-cent! (private joke, sorry)."

Self portrait MK and MB by MK and MB
 


This week, it's the welcome return of Monsieur K. and Myster B. who have already graced our shores a while back. Their previous illustrated FML can be viewed by clicking here

Their info:
Ages: 81 years old between them
LocationBéziers, France
WebsitesMonsieur K. and Myster B.
Their illustrated FML: The one with the recycling


So, how are these two crazy comic book dudes? As we've already had them on FML, I'll suggest you check out their previous interview by clicking here. I'm still going to ask the usual questions for those of you who are too lazy to click on the link, because I need a minimum amount of words to fill up the article to go with the illustrations contained within. And these guys are also here to tell us all about their news. Because they have some. Yes they do. Honest. 

So, what do these dudes actually do? "We like making people think we are autistic parasites, until they discover the fruits of our work (and thus our genius)." Hey, that reminds me of someone. Magic mirror, when will my genius be recognised by MENSA? Boohoo. 

What is it that you enjoy about what you do? "We like ending up together in a different space-time, imagining stories together and actually creating them. We're on the same wavelength, but we also have our differences which go together well." And what is missing from your lives, workwise or other? "Nothing, thanks :)" Ah, that's rare. Usually I get told that a graphics tablet is required, or a social life. Well done. 

Were your school days particularly brilliant? "Our respective school and professional careers are very up and down. Let's just say that we didn't make a career out of anything. The world of comic books was waiting for us, to put it in simple terms…" 

Is working in tandem a pain in the butt or a heap of fun? "The way we work is a game of ping pong. One of us (usually B) sends the first idea, on which the other rebounds, and so on, until K draws and B inks. We complete each other in an ideal way." 

Where does this ideal work take place? "For K it takes place on his desk, for B if possible outside in the sun. But when we meet up to work, it's by the fire, at B's place (even if it's not lit during the summer)." 

OK? let's talk news. That's why we're here. Tell us what's coming out, or what's just come out, I'm not sure. “Our big news is the second tome of Anachronic Chronicles comme "Jerusalem". It's the sequel of the time travel story of 3 characters who are passionate about the big mysteries of our history, who create myths by trying to solve them. After the beast of Gévaudan, Phil, Frantz et Bernard are now following the footsteps of Jesus Christ. You can order it by clicking here." Now, of course, it's in French as you can see from the cover to the left. But if you want to learn to speak French, what better way than with a great comic book? So order it now, if not just for the great artwork!

Following this monument, what are your plans? "Monsieur K and Myster B have several projects on the go, but the biggest is of course the third tome of the Anachronic Chronicles. An exclusive for FML: the myth explored in the upcoming opus will be the Arthurian legends! In our outboxes is also a certain Jack the Psychopath, who will soon be making an appearance in the comic book world." That's quite a lot of projects. My only project is to think about what I'm going to have for lunch. Pasta or fries. Decisions, decisions. 

What are your everyday pleasures, together? "Monsieur K loves to pick his nose and MysterB likes to say to him: "D'you want mine?" when he's not already stuck it in there without warning." I know certain people in the FML office who have the same sort of intimacy. It's very touching. No, I'll give no names. 

Do you have a personal FML to share, together? "Our last common FML was when we received 50 printed copies of the first tome of the Anachronistic Chronicles and the colours were saturated. The box is gathering dust, but we get scared every time we receive new editions." Ouch. 

Finally, any advice for budding artists?
Monsieur K: "Draw, lazybones!"
Monsieur B: "Yes master! Right away master!"

That'll be it for this week! Thanks to our two friends for their second appearance on these pages, come back and see us whenever you feel like it. When tome 3 comes out for example. Next week, we'll be talking to a Meninist who draws powerful drawings that explain how hard it is to be a straight white man these days and... Sorry, I can't keep a straight face when typing that sort of horsehockey. Next week, I'm not sure what's going down. We'll cross that bridge, etc. I'll leave you with a merciless attack and a cat's tongue. Be excellent to each other, and see you next week!

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1568 - Illustrated FML - On 01/08/2016 at 6:42am by Alan - 6 comments

Julia Hutchinson's illustrated FML

Happy New Year! Right, now that's out of the way, let's get down to business. We're all hung over from last night's party, right? Wrong. Some people have no friends, families or any form of social life. It happens. This is FML. It's our bread and butter. We had to post something on New Year's Day to celebrate the people who stayed at home last night. The loud and obnoxious twits have had their fun, let's put the spotlight on the rest of us who can't string two sentences together without falling over. Here we go.

JULIA'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I saw Star Wars last week and really enjoyed it! I guess that’s apparent from my FML. I definitely want to see it again in the coming weeks."

Self portrait Julia by Julia
 


This week, it’s Julia Hutchinson who's doing the honours. I do not know whether she's hungover today, or even if she went out last night, but I'm guessing she is and she did.

Her info:
Age: 30
Location : "Rochester, NY this summer. It’s in upstate New York, maybe 2 hours from Niagara Falls. Originally I am from Illinois."
Site : Her blog and her website
Her illustrated FML: The one with the underwear


Who is Julia, and what does she do? "I’m a freelance illustrator. I mostly do spots for newspapers but am always looking for the next project. My day job is a receptionist at a doctor’s office. We’ve recently been busy with colds, earaches, twisted ankles- the usual winter stuff."
What do you like about what you do?  "For me, it’s really satisfying to take a concept and work it out on the page. Working for clients, you never know what you’ll be drawing next or what ideas you’ll have to put on paper and its cool to see it go from raw idea to finished product. The thing missing from my life is a flock of chickens. We always wanted some, but so far have been living in apartments where there’s just no space for them. Chickens deserve open space and grass to run around in. Recently my husband and I have been hopping from city to city. With each new place we realize our chicken dream will have to be put off for yet another year. It doesn’t stop us from learning as much as we can. I want a white crested black polish, he wants a buff brahma." There, I've learnt a new word! Buff brahma. I'll try and fit that into a conversation.

What’s your current news and stuff? "The big excitement is I did the cover art for an issue of the Willamette Week in Portland, OR. The thought of my art showing up in news racks all over the city makes me really happy. I’m no longer living in that area, so I wasn’t able to see it happen." And what about projects? "Since 2007 I’ve been adapting the story of Final Fantasy VI into a graphic novel format. I’d say I’m about 10% done. It’s been my favorite game since I was a kid and I am at my happiest when working on this project. You can follow along at www.ff6comic.com. One of the reasons I took on the above project is to get my cartooning and skills up to publishing level. I believe that comics, with its unique blend of words and pictures, makes a powerful format for storytelling. For this reason, I aspire to do long format graphic novels professionally."

Your career so far? "My schooling path was very roundabout. Self taught and hesitant to major in art at undergrad, I studied something else entirely. The attitude I picked up from that school’s art department was that only majors could or should make art (non-majors were forbidden from taking art classes). That hurt and affected my way of thinking for a long time. Years later, I took a few drawing and graphic design classes from the local community college, and it felt like permission was granted, somehow. It felt like coming home to myself. Last year I left my job in Champaign to do a year of illustration classes at an art school in Portland. The feeling of being an illegitimate artist persisted even as the year began. I worried that because I didn’t have a degree, my ideas and techniques were inferior. I found out that my classmates didn’t see me that way, and treated me like any other artist. On top of that, I learned about many self-taught contemporary artists who are running successful careers today. I still feel like an “art bastard” but am more okay with it now.

And what made you want to draw, if there was someone or something? "I think the reason anyone starts drawing is when there’s an idea in your head and it needs to come out. Of course it doesn’t look as good on paper as it did in your head. So you try again. You might also do it for the attention, in various forms, which is more of a reason than I care to admit. I’m equally parts inspired and discouraged by other artists around me. I think to myself, “I’ll never get that good!”. But that’s not really a healthy way of thinking. Currently I’m having a lot of fun doing pieces with limited palettes. I get inspiration from the website Design Seeds which has palettes taken from photos." 

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life. “Nah, I’m a boring person. I love reading graphic novels, keeping up with the new stuff that’s being published. Together my husband and I enjoy exploring the natural areas around where we live. We do birdwatching and get our birds anywhere we can. I’ve been known to stop dead in my tracks to watch a crow waddle around the parking lot. I love the way seagulls land, because they spend a lot of time just folding their wings back in place. It needs to be just right, so they do this fold-fold-fold-fold thing until every feather is perfectly in place. But then they take off again in a second! And do the folding thing all over again. I love it. My vice is staying up too late and hating myself the next day. I’m not even doing anything productive at night, just killing time on the computer. The next morning when I gotta get up early, I’m like “whyyy”! lol."

If you had to tell your own FML, the most FML-esque thing that has happened to you, what would it be? "One night while cooking, I burned my hand on the oven, and burned it again in the steam of a dish coming out of the microwave, and then chemically burned it by handling hot peppers. Three types of burn and the meal wasn’t even that good! Shoulda just ordered pizza."

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? "You don’t need anyone’s permission to make art. Put aside any worries about being a “real artist” or a “bastard”. You’re making art, then you’re an artist. Period. If you want to go professional, read up on the Graphic Artist’s Guild (GAG) Pricing and Ethical Guidelines. Understand that your art is worth more than you’re currently pricing it at." 

There, that's it for this week, and what a cracking start to 2016! Thank you Julia for your enthusiastic replies, I didn't even feel the need to make wise-ass comments, which is weird for me. I leave you all with a big hug, a soppy kiss and wish you all the best for 2016. Be excellent to each other, and see you soon.

How about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email on contact@fmylife.com, not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1567 - Illustrated FML - On 01/01/2016 at 7:32am by Alan - 2 comments

Hey 2016, how you doin'? Welcome to FML!

At last, it's over. 2015, you were fun... No, strike that, it's crap. 2015, you were rubbish. Of course, there was the odd moment of brilliance, now and again, but on the whole, it was quite the shitfest. What should we remember above all from 2015? That we have to turn the heating down a further 1,5°C in our houses to save the planet, is that it? Let's concentrate on 2016, the year of the... sardine. Happy New Year.

We could make a list of all the wonderful and/or shocking things that happened in 2015, then make a beautiful, heartfelt speech about how and why life is so wonderful, and why we are so lucky to be alive in 2016, that life isn't always easy but despite it all, everything is fantastic. The problem is that someone deleted the Excel file containing the list. So instead, plan B: we're going to post photos of sardines. Because it rhymes with 2016.

 This is a sardine. Look how hot this guy is:

Here are several sardines, hanging out, chillaxing:

Here's a whole bunch of sardines on vacation. Look at them. LOOK:

Here at FML, we're going to spend 2016 bringing you even more fun stuff and surprises. But not right now. As of now, here today, the whole team needs two aspirin and some alka seltzer. We've just posted a bunch of photos of sardines to ring in the New Year, that's how bad off we are from last night's party. Let's get some hydration going and we'll talk about it in a few days time, when our brains have had time to reboot a few times. 

Lots of love and Happy New Year everyone!

#1566 - About FMyLife - On 12/31/2015 at 9:54am by Alan - 30 comments

Simon's Xmas illustrated FML

It's Christmas, yay! Gifts and stuff are done, put down your knives and forks, scraps of paper and ribbons, no need for any more shouting matches with family members. We are happy to have seen them, but it feels good when it all grinds to a halt and the pressure stops. You can’t choose your family, as someone said. Hope it went well on your side, because for us it was rather comical. I’d rather not to go into detail but let’s just say that it’s a bit blurry and our brains seem to have turned to mush. Our livers are going to feel like they are under attack for a few more days. And then we must do it all over again next Thursday! Speaking of livers, the Christmas special puts the emphasis on boozing. Check it out.

SIMON MITTEAULT'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I like it when it’s a friend's birthday, because I give them a drawing. It's cheap as gifts go"

Self-portrait Simon par Simon
 


This week, Simon is here for Christmas. This lovely young man already did an illustration for VDM, the French FML, but it's his first time on FML, so be gentle. 


His info:
Age: 32
Location: Bordeaux, France
Website: His blog or his Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one with Santa


Simon sent us an e-mail to remind us of his excellent work for us and to say he was ready and willing to do it again. Our cat-like reflexes made us jump at the chance so we gave him a big green light, because his talent is undeniable. He covers his comics with loads of text, and we love his style!

What we like about Simon’s work is the wordplay, the little details left, right and center on his comics. There are all funny, well thought out, and we always have a good time reading them. The examples in this article is as usual without any text in them, but go see on his blog what he does with words. Again, this proves that it is not enough to know how to draw nice comics, you must also have something to say. The stories, dialogue, all that is the core of comics. It's not all about being good looking, it must also say something interesting! Let's ask him some questions, but beware, he’s not very talkative. He’s much more talkative in his illustrations.

What do you do for a living then? "Drawings: comics, stories for kids, press cartoons, travel diaries..." We really do appreciate his blog here at FML, there's a little bit of a Reiser element in the way he draws, and he’s not afraid to call a spade a shovel. What? Isn’t that the expression?

And what do you like about what you do? What would you like for Christmas to help? "I like it when it’s a friend's birthday, because I can give them a drawing, it's cheap as gifts go. What I’d like? Some friends." I don’t mind being your friend, and you can give drawings anytime. My birthday is on the 10th of March. I’m just putting it out there, you never know. You people, reading this right now, get me lots of presents.

What's your educational background? "I did four years of studying at Tournai in Belgium (in St Luc and then at Art School) and then I went to Toulouse with friends to found the independent editions "Croc en Jambe", now based in Bordeaux. Speaking of which, we have a booth at the comic festival in Angoulême at end of January. Come along.” OK, yes, we will come. Angouleme, we love the place, its sandy beaches, its sunny climate all year round, its festival that every year brings together illustrators from all around the world to meet with booze from all around the world worldwide. I’m exaggerating a little, but my friend Ronald Grandpey also presents his work there, and knowing him, there must be a way to get tanked up there. 

What’s your news at the moment? "There's my book “Poil aux Zoreil" (Hairy Ears) that was recently published by the editor “Des bulles dans l’océan” (Some bubbles in the ocean) which is still a masterpiece. Other than that, I have two books I’m working on, ”Henry the Radish”, a children's story that’s really well written (by me) and crudely illustrated by another guy (Johann Guyot) and which will be available in early 2016. I also started creating "Stars of French TV” an amusing comic book about cringey TV presenters and TV shows. Apart from that, I started a little collaboration with the magazine Psikopat (which is beautiful, cheap, no adverts, sold everywhere)." We'll go out get it when we have gotten over the cheap plonk we drank during our Christmas meal. Promise. It’s not the best time to ask us to go do physical activity outside, we'll see about it later. Speaking of which, it’s truly a tragedy that McDonald's doesn’t deliver.

What made you want to draw, in the very beginning? "The magazine called Astrapi when I was 7 years old." Okay, short answer. Makes a difference from the usual answers like, "I've always loved drawing, ever since I was a foetus“ but it does lack detail. Are there many artists you admire and that you follow via their blog? "I'm in love with Tronchet but he hasn’t got a blog, the old fart." Ah yes, Tronchet, I love his stuff, especially for Jean-Pierre Tergal. A modern hero, who is a lot like all of us. Or is a lot like ME in particular.

What are your everyday pleasures in life? Your vices? "I have no vices, and even less passions, come on, have a little decency." Yeah, it's hard to believe all that. We know from his past illustration for VDM that he’s is a huge fan of the French game show host Julien Lepers, and he would really like his autograph (sorry, can’t help you there). The thing is, in France at the moment there’s a huge scandal because this Julien Lepers has been ousted from his game show host job for being… well, I don’t know, too old and not pretty enough I guess. So I’m not sure what Simon makes of this terrible situation but he must be pretty distraught.

So what about your favorite stuff in music, cinema, etc.? "I went to see Les Croquants (The Crunchers) in concert the other day and it was great. Other than that, I read "Z as in Don Diego" by Fabcaro and Wander, and it was even better."

And finally, do you have any advice for budding new artists? "Forget it, get out of here and run.” OK then, erm, we'll say that's a suggestion that isn’t without merit, but you aren’t obliged to consider it.

There, that's it for this week. Thank you to Simon for offering to do your second illustrated VDM, which is also your first illustrated FML, it was a pleasure to have you with us again. You can come back whenever you want. Next week is New Year’s Eve, and I do not know if there will be an illustration to publish. Probably, but next week will be tough for everyone! Until then, Merry Christmas, happy holidays and be excellent to each other!

How about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated VDM? Send us an email on contact@fmylife.com, not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your work.

#1565 - Illustrated FML - On 12/25/2015 at 3:15pm by Alan - 2 comments

Santa delivers!

Ho ho ho ! It's almost Christmas, we're just about to throw presents at each other, hoping that the boxes under the tree contain exactly what each of us was hoping for. Here at FML Towers, we've got quite a few gifts to give each other, mainly STIs, and we still have a childlike wonder in our eyes whenever Christmas is mentioned. We go crazy for decorations, flashing lights and big balls. Our offices look like someone covered them in glue and used them to ram-raid a mall. For us, it's a time to spread some joy and goodwill, and ingest large amounts of rich foods and poor-quality booze. To help us get into the spirit of things, not that we really need it, we got the most famous face of Christmas (when that Jesus guy isn't available), the actual Santa Claus to pop in and talk to us about the FMLs that we've received over the years. Stuff that hasn't been very nice about him and his life's work. Weird thing though, when speaking in English, Santa has a slight Turkish accent.

 

Aren't kids wonderful? OK, maybe not all of them, some can be right little twits. But you have to admit that the whole magic of Christmas can mainly be found in their eyes, and the way they look at shiny objects. A bit like cats, without the killings of innocent woodland creatures. There's only a few adults who buy into the whole Christmas spirit thing; you can probably count them using Django Reinhart's fingers, and it's a real shame. Then again, if kids are leaving the Christmas festivities at more and more younger ages, it's not necessarily anyone's fault. So Santa, what's this all about?

Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML

"That's so sad, my friend. I can't really say that I blame the guy, it's tough raising kids. Especially kids that they didn't really want. I'll let you onto a little secret: I know each and every case on my route. It's gotten easier the years with the use of satellites and the whole global positioning system. My brand image and B2C strategy requires a lot of preparation, and most of my research is customer satisfaction survey-based. I have my sources, but I can't go into detail due to conflicts with the competition. Yes, I do have competition, but I stay at the top of my game thanks to tireless work. Anyway, this FML is pretty common. The guy is arguing with an 8-year-old. He's a grown man. What's his beef with life? I know. But I won't say anything, except… he drives a big truck. You know what I'm saying?"

Hmmm, yeah. Big trucks compensate for... Yeah. What about the letters? Do you get them all? Do they really work?

Today, my son told me the Christmas letter he wrote to Santa was a joke and he didn't want the stuff he asked for. I already bought everything. FML

"I often get asked this amusing question. Kids write to me in droves. All the time. Not just at Christmas. It's all year round, it's amazing. I can feel them, scribbling away, I don't even need to read their letters. My ISP is based on faith. These kids want to believe, just like the guy in that TV show, what was it? The X-Files, that's it. Anyway, this kid here is using a quick win process that his parents have totally bought, hook, line and sinker. He needs to know whether his parents actually know him, and what he really wants. It's quite clever. I applaud his use of parental reporting, parents need to be on the ball with their kids; get them what they need, not what they think they should need! I'll be keeping an eye on this family, but they do tend to listen to some very bad jazz records and fight about tofu steaks, so they're a bit lost. The kid should be alright, he's already smarter than his folks."

Let's get back to the awful things people sometimes write about you:

Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML


"Nice, very nice…
 I always get represented as a fat bastard, or I'm portrayed by some out of work actors who spend their spare time smoking doobies and drinking fortified wine. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but do it on your own time. They make me out to be this bumbling buffoon. If I told you I ran the Spartan Race in 2013 incognito, you'd be amazed, right? Ho ho ho ! I guess I'm like that giant guy in the adverts, the one selling corn, I'm… reassuring. Oh, and I'd like to point out that the whole story about Coca Cola turning me from a green and white character into a red and white character is an urban myth. I dress myself, for myself. And besides, my red and white garb was mentioned in a poem long before Coca Cola did their hatchet job on me. Mother Christmas helps me out with product branding and decorating my sleigh, but the way I dress comes from a market study I did a while back, using a few focus groups and a double-blind scientific study of the likes and dislikes of 1500 people of all walks of life. The results were pretty convincing. The warmth of the red, added to the purity of the white scored high with high-income families, but was also the perfect mix for low-income neighbourhoods with regard to brand awareness and satisfaction. Maybe they were all commies at the time, who knows? Anyway, I digress. What was the question?"

I can't remember, the Eggnog has mashed my synapses. Let's move on to another FML where you're being badly misrepresented. Check this out:

Today, I took my younger sister to see Santa for a photo. Santa insisted that I was in the photo too. I wasn't sure why he made such a big deal about it until he groped me while the photo was being taken. FML

"See now, this is exactly why kids start to doubt my existence. Stuff like this goes on, and then I get it in the neck figuratively because some ding-dong with a hard on, pardon my French, has to go and spoil Christmas. Kids aren't idiots, they can sense when things aren't going well. This poor girl was felt up by some twit dressed as me, and the younger sister has now since moved on to hard drugs and prostitution. That's not true, I just wanted to wake you up from your Eggnog-induced stupor. She's actually fine, but stopped believing in Christmas that very same year. It's sad. My brand is being tainted by twits. My existence is bit like Jesus or the other guy I won't mention because I'm not insane. People can believe in me if they want, and if they stop, well, that's up to them. They made me, I exist as long as they have that belief. But I do exist. I'm sitting here in your office in a very snazzy Sergio Tacchini tracksuit and a pair of Doc Martens. How real can I be, son? I give and I give and I expect nothing in return. In that sense, I'm better than Jesus. Especially at soccer." 

Bon, on va vite changer de sujet, ça devient touchy. Niveau boulot, c'est comment ? Flux tendu, ou plutôt détendu ? Les enfants se posent également la question :

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

"That's hilarious! That wasn't actually me, though. I would've burst out laughing. Children are very curious about life and stuff, that's what I love about them. They're not afraid to say, "I don't know" when asked a question. Adults forget that it's OK to not know something. People think I'm this mysterious, supernatural being, but I'm not, you know. I'm really not. I work all year round. I have to work hard to keep myself in the blue, and not flag behind. There's one day a year when I'm all the rage, but the rest of the year I do other stuff. In summer, I sell cold drinks on the beaches in New Jersey. In Autumn, I'm in England doing stand-up comedy. Sometimes I'll make clogs for the tourists in Holland. I also play soccer, and I always make sure that I sit when I'm peeing at friends' houses. I'm pretty down to Earth. I watch a lot of TV, too. My favourite shows are M*A*S*H* and Happy Days. Yeah, we mainly get reruns in our house." 

OK, Jersey Shore. Besides the cans and everything else, where does the money come from? Some of this stuff is expensive:

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

"See, sonny boy, people think all this is free. Call me a liar if you want, but my work is a carefully planned-out business model, which was rigorously tested and brainstormed during many sessions between me, the elves and a bunch of business angels. No, I can't tell you who they are for privacy reasons. Just know that none of this is taken from your income tax. I'm not a government official, or even an employee. It's all freelance work. It's not magic either. I'm not Penn or Teller. I don't have Claudia Schiffer in the back of my limo. Hey, don't print that, Mother Xmas is going to beat the crap out of me." 

Today, I accidentally knocked over a mall Santa on his way to meet some children. I've never had that many hate-filled eyes on me at once. FML

"Damn, got some Eggnog on my tracksuit. What was I saying? This story is sort of nice, because it shows that people do care about my brand, and that the Santa image is still scoring high with the general population, on an emotional level at least. In this case, even though it wasn't actually me… I tell a lie. Sometimes, I like to take on my own persona in malls around the world, usually in the bigger chain malls because those people are damned easy to fool… just kidding, guys! Anyway… I sign up for jobs when I've got a weekend break and I'll do the whole 'Take a photo with the fat dude' ritual, and people love it. It keeps me in touch with why I do what I do. Of course, sometimes I get to meet people who I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire, the sort who get their kids guns for Christmas, you know what I mean? I tend to avoid being cynical about people. It's the only way forward, really. An old guy giving out presents to children is more and more seen as a pervert paedophile than a nice person. I have to be colour-coded so parents don't freak out. If I was in my civvies, dressed like I am today, some crazy parent would be batting me over the head with a handbag. Even though I'm trying to be nice… The world hasn't gone crazy, it's not our fault, it's just that we listen to the wrong people. Media outlets cranking up the fear. Listen to your hearts, guys. If we stop doing that, that'll be biggest FML of all. Anyway, it's Christmas, and I'm happy to be able to join forces with the aforementioned FML team to wish you all a happy one. And who knows, maybe we'll bump into each other on the 24th, during the night! I've been told to say that you should all tell me in the comments what you would like for Christmas, the present(s) that would make you happy. I'll try my best, within reason of course!"
 


(as long as it doesn't have Minions on it, I HATE those fuckers)


Well well well, we couldn't put it any better. Thanks Santa for dropping in to see us here at FML Towers, and Merry Christmas everyone! Tell us all about your Christmas present wishes, your Christmasses, whatever you feel is relevant. We're here for you all Christmas long!

 

Santa is illustrated by Bénédicte, from Bloutouf

#1564 - About FMyLife - On 12/23/2015 at 11:29am by Alan - 26 comments