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The Best of the Worst #25

Hi everyone. July just flew by and we didn't have time to cobble together a Best of the Worst, due to various events and vacations here and there, so here's August's edition. It's jam-packed with the same bunch of weird and wonderful loons that write FMLs to us in the vain hope that… well, we don't really know what they expected us to do with this shit. So, let's get on with it.  

For the people who have never seen this section of FML before: we get sent lots of FMLs, each day, all day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are not very good, copies of old FMLs or just plain old crap. Amongst those, we also get sent very weird stories, if you can call them stories. That's what we post in this column. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in. Have a look at this month's selection.
 

Ted's brother 

Today, my mom called ken nugent cause she got in a car acciedent . One call that’s all my butt ! Six calls that’s all !?

No offense

Today i was at school and this random kid walks up and says “yo can a nigga barrow a french frie” and my first thought wasn’t that he said the word the N word it was how is a nigga going to barrow a french frie nigga is u going to give it back. (not tryin to affend anyone) FML?


Smell this

Today, when I was going to work a homelis person said can u smell my foot for me and i i said u are a disgusting then he said I need a home so I gave him a tonnes then he sat down and said smell it FML?


Can you hear the drums, Fernando?

Today, I was having sex with my latino when my white boyfriend called to tell me an unknown male called the house looking for me. Apparently he sounded “black”. It was my mother… She is racist. Fml?


Quick

Today, my friend told me what a quickening was. its when your dad ejects his poo into the toilet. and you hold hands together and you smell the fumes while they stick to the roof of your mouth. i asked my dad to do it with me, he said yeah. after, i told my friend and he said i didnt have to do it.

 


Unreal

Today was thorpe worst.i got up a six,when I turned my head there was a stripper in my bed.i told my boyfrienf WTF.he said “I love you!”.i said unreal.he said wanna have sex.i was like whatever so I went for it.the next thing you know he left me for that fucking stripper.?


Don't stop

Today,my mind has become addicted to scratching my balls to the point that there is no skin on half of my scrotum. i’m trying everything I can think of to stop but I cannot stop. FML?

I'm so random!!

Today, I loved my dog like any other day. There’s nothing bad about that. I’m just random.?


Needless to say

Today, I cut the tip of my penis on a tuna can, let’s just say my girlfriend has a tuna fetish needless to say I ended things fml.?


Inception

Today, my dad had a dream to turn the world upside down. I said u can’t. Then said shut the fuck up. I can dream cant I. Then I said m. L. Already dreamt of that dream. He screamed you asshole. U fuckin bitch whore.?


That's it for this month. We'll hopefully be back next month for some more weird FMLs, because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself live while they are sent in by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. We can spot the phonies. Take care!
 

 

Bonus track: This person thinks that FML is promoting… something foul. Well, maybe we are.
 

You evil bastards

I don’t use FML. Do you want me to just put the word ‘F***’ My Life? Because that’s basically what you’re promoting.?

#1604 - About FMyLife - On 08/10/2016 at 6:04am by Alan - 39 comments

Caption today's FML Photo


Hi there! FML still thinks it's on vacation in the sun, and that you are too, but we're going to give you something new to play with in the shape of a picture to caption. Concentrate, bring your A game.
 

How does this work?

We're putting up a picture, which is a photo an intern found. Nothing containing famous people or anything off the TV. Just a quad bike and its rider covered in mud. At least we hope it's mud. Come up with a funny caption for the photo, using the "Today, (…) FML" template that we all know and love. Then, according to your votes, and a totally arbitrary choice on our part, we'll post the FML Photo in the category and credit the author of the caption.

The FML Photos are a colourful addition to FML. You can make them legendary. To do so, we're once again appealing to your creativity and sense of humour. Show us what you've got, if you've got it. There's no reason why there shouldn't be any comedic geniuses amongst you. Or is that genii ?


Get on with it. Show us the photo already.

Here it is:


Feeling inspired?
If so, add your suggestions and captions in the comments below, in the best FML style you can think of. The funniest will be published in the FML Photos category, and the author will be showered in the glory of having their name mentioned alongside their creation. Ready? Go!

Subtle warning: Captions posted in response to top-voted captions, or in response to the captions in the first few positions will be disqualified/deleted/hissed at. Comment on the article, not the comments, so your votes actually count!

#1603 - Pictures - On 08/08/2016 at 9:50am by Alan - 107 comments

Caption today's FML Photo


Whazzzzza?! FML is still stuck on references from the '90s, but we're going to give you something new to play with in the shape of a picture to caption. There's only one to have a go at, so we can avoid messing around with several photos, several captions, several headaches. Concentrate, bring your A game.
 

How does this work?

We're putting up a picture, which is a photo an intern found on the internet. Nothing containing family members or anything off the TV. Just a washing machine on fire. Come up with a funny caption for the photo, using the "Today, (…) FML" template that we all know and love. Then, according to your votes, and a totally arbitrary choice on our part, we'll post the FML Photo in the category and credit the author of the caption.

The FML Photos are a colourful addition to FML. You can make them legendary. To do so, we're once again appealing to your creativity and sense of humour. Show us what you've got, if you've got it. There's no reason why there shouldn't be any comedic geniuses amongst you. Or is that genii ?


Get on with it. Show us the photo already.

Here it is:


Feeling inspired?
If so, add your suggestions and captions in the comments below, in the best FML style you can think of. The funniest will be published in the FML Photos category, and the author will be showered in the glory of having their name mentioned alongside their creation. Ready? Go!

Subtle warning: Captions posted in response to top-voted captions, or in response to the captions in the first few positions will be disqualified/deleted/hissed at. Comment on the article, not the comments, so your votes actually count!

#1602 - Pictures - On 08/01/2016 at 9:09am by Alan - 128 comments

Caption today's FML Photo


Hi gang! FML is giving you yet another opportunity to caption a picture. As last time, there's only one, so we can avoid messing around with several photos, several captions, several headaches.
 

How does this work?

We're putting up a picture, which is a stock photo found in a dumpster or something. Nothing containing celebrities or anything recognisable. Just a car with "stuff" on it. Just come up with a funny caption for the photo, using the "Today, FML" template that we all know and love. Then, according to your votes, and a totally arbitrary choice on our part, we'll post the FML Photo in the category and credit the author of the caption.

The FML Photos are a colourful addition to FML. You can make them legendary. To do so, we're once again appealing to your creativity and sense of humour. Show us what you've got. There's no reason why there shouldn't be any comedy geniuses amongst you.


Get on with it. Show us the photo already.

Here it is:


Feeling inspired?
If so, add your suggestions and captions in the comments below, in the best FML style you can think of. The funniest will be published in the FML Photos category, and the author will be showered in the glory of having their name mentioned alongside their creation. Ready? Go!

Subtle warning: Captions posted in response to top-voted captions, or IN RESPONSE TO the captions in the first few positions TO BE MORE VISIBLE, will be disqualified/deleted. Comment on the article, not the comments, so the votes actually count.

#1601 - About FMyLife - On 07/04/2016 at 10:25am by Alan - 91 comments

Xianyou's illustrated FML #2

The illustrated FML is back! ! On a Thursday as well! FML is such a world of surprises, we've always said so. I've had quite a few messages these past few days wondering where the illustrated FML had disappeared to, why we weren't posting any anymore, and whether I had a girlfriend. The simple answer is that it's complicated. OK, it's not that complicated, but there's a lot of demand and not a lot of supply. Come on, get your crayons out and send us your work! This week we're being revisited by someone who is well into manga stuff, which if I'm not mistaken is some sort of garlic-based dish. Let's have a look, then.

XIANYOU'S ILLUSTRATED FML #2

"Is this supposed to be the bit where I confess things? OK... might as well get down to it then! *unravels a 10 kilometre-long parchment*"

Self-portrait Xianyou by Fanny

 


Xianyou is a young lady that also goes by the very amusing French name of Fanny. No giggling at the back. She explains her nickname: "People often ask me where my nickname comes from, but when I tell them, that it was a badly-spelt Xiaoyu from Tekken that I wrote when signing up to my first chatrooms, weirdly, people get this odd look on their faces. And I've also heard from Google Maps that Xianyou is also a district in China." 

Her info:
WebsiteXianyou's Blog
Her illustrated FML: The one with the seagull

 


Who are you?
I'm Xianyou (yes, the district in Chine with the same name is doing well…). I create more often than not comic strips in a manga style in black and white, and sometimes I do colour illustrations!

What do you do?
At the moment, I'm doing an end-of-the-year internship to validate my Automation diploma, and other than that I still spoil my cat with his daily mountain of cat biscuits.

Where do you come from?
From la Creuse, a region in France.

How old are you?
22-years-old.

What's your favourite self-penned illustration? 
I'd say this one. Even though it's one of my first illustrations in colour and it's got a few flaws, I still really like it:

Who is your favourite illustrator?
I love following the adventures of Yatuu who tells them in comic strip format on her blog, she always makes me burst out laughing
 
Your passions, besides illustrating?
JAPANNNNNN *SBAFF* ! ...Well yes, I love anything to do with Japan, whether its culture, or its mangas, its sushis, its katanas, etc etc *puts a pack of ice on head* 

Your favourite place in the world?
My paddock, nice and warm under the covers! It's usually where I get my best ideas.

What gets on your nerves?
Not finding the latest Nutella cookies! It's really annoying, being tempted by advertising, drooling and everything, then not being able to find their product! 

What makes you happy? 
"Hakunnaaa matattaaa ! It means no worries for the rest of your days! It's our problem-free philosophy! Hakuna Matataaa !" (...come on, admit it, you read the words with the song in your head, haha!) 

Who is your hero? 
HARRISSOONNN FFORRRDD *RE-SBAFFF* ! Despite the fact that he's 73, I still really fancy him! *gets the pack of ice back out* 

Your favourite word?
Niafrouuuuuuu ! Don't bother trying to understand what it means, I don't know either, but it ended up being a part of my daily vocabulary. 

What's your favourite smell?
A nice roast chicken in the oven. Or the smell of olives in a mediterreanean style. Argh, I can't decide! 


The job you wouldn't have liked to have done?
Toilet emptier, or septic tank person (my nose is too sensitive). 

If you had to take a book, a record, a comic book or movie on a desert island, which one would it be?
*steals Father Xmas's bag to stick her own stuff into it*
Well, I'd take the music to the Man of Steel (I love movie soundtracks, and even more so if done by Hanz Zimmer), the Another book, as well as the last Star Wars movie and I'd take all the Black Butler books.

What would you like to sell to us this week?
I don't have muche to sell, but if you want advertising… Come check out my Facebook page in droves, and click on the Like button hahaha! (What d'you mean you're not supposed to advertise yourself??) 

If God exists, what would you like him to ask you after you die? 
*intercom voice like in supermarkets*
God: "Welcome to Paradise. Here, you can savour at your convenience all the dishes and delicacies from around the world, whether pork chops à la crème, ramen or cheeseburgers, as well as many sushi and other celestial specialities." 

That's it for this week. Thanks once again to you Fanny/Xianyou! Come see us again, whenever you feel like it. I mean it. A special style like yours attracts manga fans, and it's always nice to have different styles on here. Anyway, I can't tell you when we'll be having a new illustrated FML on, because it's summer and people are off galavanting around… well, not FML anyway. We're 24/7. We just have trouble finding people to take part in this column. So feel free to write in! Until then, here's how we now react whenever we hear a Brexit "joke". And here's FML's security guard. Anyway, see you next time, and remember to be excellent to each other!

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1600 - Illustrated FML - On 06/30/2016 at 5:55am by Alan - 7 comments