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Illustrated FML (303) - About FMyLife (50) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Books (9) - Special guests (7) - Competitions (6)

The Best of the Worst #12

Another month, another bunch of shitposts. Yes, it's time to delve into the postbag and have another look at the weird and wonderful stuff we've been sent by people from all over the world. Hope you are all doing OK, because these people certainly haven't. 

A quick reminded for those of you who are just discovering this thing: FML gets sent stories every day, a lot of them. Very few are actually posted on the front page every day, because many aren't very funny or interesting. But a small portion a just downright weird. This monthly collection is just us showing you the weirdest of the bunch, because we think they're unwittingly funny in their own, batshit way. Check out this month's drunken ramblings.
 

The Atkins diet

Today in sports studies i was trying to do my work, i then got lectured by my teacher and my best friend made me laugh all the way threw his lecture by saying “bumhole” repeatidly. The only foods now containing Carbohydrates are “bumholes”

That's cold

Today, I found out that my dad is also my eskimo brother. FML
 

Got milk?

Today, my vagina fell off in a dumpster and i cried really hard causing my asshole to lactate
 

GTA 45 : Made-Up City

Today, while walking to my new Ferrari I saw a big scratch,I’m the super firing intendent … I fired him and in the process of writing this I found 5 grand in the seat saying don’t fire me… I feel breathing on my neck me get arrested for “grand theft auto… Fml
 

Shoulda toed the line

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I had a toe. FML.
 

Q-Tipped

wow whats with men and rolling some sad sad sad cigs….lol….wow hes a sad sad person… my fiance is an ass he says its better then nothing. i would rather have nuthing. its as small as a Q-tip. lol FML
 

Cats rule the world

Today my cat crawled in my vagina and it hasn’t come out yet. Should I call someone for help? FML
 

Keeper

Today, I went to my Mother’s funeral, and my boyfriend and I walked up to her coffin and he ran away. He was gone for along time so I went to check on him. apparently, Dead people turn him on and he was jacking off to the thought of my dead mother. He has also done this at his grandma’s funeral.
 

Can't say we have

Today, I broke a gas station. Did you? FML
 

Literary

I was looking at at epic fail pictures. When laughing so hard at one literary whit my pants. Talk at failing. Then the next to hours attempted to shat what off the floor. Later my dad came on in. Stared at the whit. And laughed his head off and said” nice dickbag”
 

That's it for this month. We'll be back in a month with some more, but if you enjoyed reading these, you can try and spot some more weird stuff by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. Oh, and as usual, these are all compiled from the website/app since the very beginning, so to all of you who've tried sending in odd FMLs to try and get published here: we know who you are. Be excellent to each other, and see you next month!

 

Bonus not-really-hidden, track. We're not really sure what this guy is on about, it's all over the place this one. It seems that person writing it was also smoking crack at the same time. We're not sure.

 

Like a BOSS

Today,theBOSSright as I tried leave called and I answeredNtold HIM off for20minutes telling errthing erryone had to say Bout him and all my deepest secrets about him I brought it up.I THOT I wasFIREDHe said”I called TO ask IF you wanted someX-tra HrsBUT”I’ll send your last chEck 2 U IN THE MAIL”.FML

#1506 - About FMyLife - On 03/03/2015 at 9:13am by Alan - 119 comments

Mathilde Morieux's illustrated FML

Madonna must be the only person breathing a sigh of relief right now thanks to all the idiots arguing about the colour of a dress. Thanks to a badly-lit photograph, everyone seems to have forgotten that she super fell down some steps during the Brit Awards (which is like normal falling down, but while wearing a cape). It would even make a nice conspiracy theory, the whole silly dress debate appearing right after the Ciccone taking a tumble on live TV. And next week, the internet will be arguing about an old 'Spot the differences' game from a copy of the Daily Mail from 1976. If you've never seen the movie Idiocracy, I strongly recommend it because it's where we're headed on a Segway. That or Demolition Man. Anywayyy, idiocy isn't just for certain people. It's open to anyone, at any time, from any background and any age, as this week's illustrated FML demonstrates. Intrigued? You should be. 

MATHILDE'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I can't stand it when people throw up in movies… I really can't. I actually think I could throw up myself, so I just put hands in front of my eyes."

Self-portrait Mathilde by Mathilde.

 


Mathilde, weirdly, doesn't have a nickname or a special AKA. It's "Morieux Mathilde, erm, Mathilde Morieux, yes, I'm very a very creative girl!" And that's not a bad thing, it means I can refer to her as Mathilde all the way through the article, instead of getting myself muddled up with things like Tinwar22 and Glockenspiel-on-sea, as these things are wont to happen. No offence.

Her info:
Age: 25 
LocationCastellar, France
BlogTruc Machin Chose
Her illustrated FML: The one with the weird taste


Mathilde is a young girl who live in France near the Italian border. She lives in a small mediaeval town, which doesn't mean they're behind the times. She sent me her work via the internet, not via a kestrel. She contacted us via our e-mail address, and we liked her website so we thought we'd give her a shot. Don't hesitate to do the same if you'd like to feature on this very same page. Oh, by the way, sometimes people comment on this page, saying things like "I only come here for the pictures" or "I never read these". So, they do come here, but they say they don't read these. That means I can call them names, and they won't notice, right? Hey guys, this is my reaction to your comments. Shove off, peasants.

So, lets move on to the analysis. Who is this Mathilde person. What does she do? "
Drawings, which is good you'll say. I'm still a freelance graphics designer, and up until now I've always had a job in the media on the side, but I've finally set off on my own!" And do you enjoy it? "That's a tough question. I like the freedom of creating illustrations, characters, telling silly stories on my blog, my friends silly stories especially, they're the best! Seriously though, I like the freedom that freelancing gives, being able to work at home, making your own schedule (which really means lounging around in pyjamas all day with no one to say anything about it, which is GREAT!) and being able to chose what I work on… The drawbacks being the fact that I have to find new clients, the salary isn't automatically paid at regular intervals… Ah, and I lack a Cintiq to make excellent illustrations!" Wasn't it Christmas recently? Weren't you showered in gifts? Or did you get an orange and a lump of coal because you live in a Dickens novel? Sad times. 

What's your news, and how about plans? "I'm slowly but surely developing my freelance work, and I moved house recently so I'm widening my client base." And your plans? "I've got loads! One which is close to my heart, which is going to allow me to mix my granny-style pastimes to my illustrations and creations… I can't say too much about it but basically it's a blog I'm doing with someone else, with a lot of DIY, with inspirations, fashion, stories, illustrations… Whoops, I've already said too much. To find out more, just keep an eye on my work, it'll be launched soon." We will! 

So, what are you into at the moment? "Musically at the moment, I'm listening to Brigitte, Christine and the Queens, London Grammar, Emma Louise, that sort of thing. Books, I'm right in the middle of Outlander by Diana Gabaldon, a great book and the TV show is good too. Speaking of TV shows, I think I watch too many, Vikings, Game of Thrones, the Walking Dead… As for comics I'm reading The Hero by David Rubin, which is really good. As for blogs I check out, I like the ones by JenayMelle Karensac and Marine Blandin."

Tell us about your pastimes, pleasures and vices. "I like my rabbit who is MAG-NI-FI-CENT and who is called Kiki (we couldn't come up with anything better…). I like creating things, other than my illustrations, creating with my own hands. Knitting, braiding, sewing (yes, I have an old woman's pastimes, but I'm totally fine with that!), engravings and things like that. So what I really need is a workshop to spread all this out so that my home doesn't become too much of a mess. And I've taken up jogging, it's never too late, I like it a lot, I feel like I going to die each time, but I like it. But it allows me to get rid of the guilt of all the chocolate I've eaten during the week. No, I won't tell you how much." I can totally understand, I have the exact same problem with Big Mac's and Jack Daniel's
 

How about a personal FML to finish off? "There was the time when I was teaching a class each student would pose in turn to be a live model for the rest of the class to draw, when one time a rather portly student's turn arrived and another student asked for some more paper because he didn't have any room left on his. Me, the ever-naive teacher, thought, "Oh wow, he's been working hard!" but when I arrived at his desk with a blank piece of paper, his was practically empty, and the rest of the class burst out laughing." Hmmm, yes, that's quite the FML for you, and the guy posing. So maybe we'll say one-all. Poor guy, though! 

That's it for this week. Thanks Mathilde for taking part! We'll take off into the weekend, hoping that we'll not be arguing over the colour of a dress in a photo, that we're all #GoldBlueWhiteDress and that Nutella will save us all. Tomorrow will bring us another reason to hate ourselves but for the moment, let's just put on this song and dance around a little, hoping that it's gonna be all right. Be excellent to each other, and see you next week. 

How about you? Think you've got talent and want to do an illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com, but only send us your blog's address and/or a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1505 - Illustrated FML - On 02/27/2015 at 8:44am by Alan - 14 comments

FML's badges: pointless but essential!

If you're a regular on FML, it probably means that you're a member. Whatcha mean you're not a member? Right, for a start, run along and create yourself an account. Doing so will allow you to comment on the FMLs, chat with the other members via our messaging service, add FMLs to your favorites list and start collecting badges.


Yeah, OK. Now what?
 

As it's cold and depressing in most parts of FML (we can tell from the stories you send in, complaining about the weather) we thought it would be the perfect time to a little recap of all the badges that are available to collect, as well as the new ones we introduced during FML's sixth birthday

For those of you who missed the meeting last time in room 143 on the 8th floor of FML Towers, here are the badges that you can get, old and new. Just so you know, the moderation badges are reset every three months.
 

The Gold badges

- Our top moderators: You are part of this month's 10 best moderators!
Keen reader — Level: Godlike ninja: As of today, you have voted on 100% of the FMLs.
Follow up: You commented on an FML that you wrote.
 

The Silver badges:

- Our top moderatorsYou are part of this month's 100 best moderators!
- Keen reader — Level: master ninja: As of today, you have voted on 50% of the FMLs.
- 100 quality comments: 100 of your comments have neither been buried or moderated. Well done!
- Gold rush: Looking for gold on FML? How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
- One more and it's business timeYou've received 68 likes on your profile. Kinky.
The Thumb returnsYou have thumbed 5000 comments.
I moderated this!In "Moderate the FMLs", you voted Yes on a story that was subsequently published. Well done!

The Bronze badges:

- Our top moderators"You are part of this month's 500 best moderators!"
- Keen reader — Level: student ninja: As of today, you have voted on 15% of the FMLs.
- Happy ending: Brandon may have an FML, but he ended up marrying Jessica. You found this out by reading “FML, the follow up.”
- 50 quality responses: Clicking reply to a comment is a worthy thing to do. To do so without getting buried is even better.
- Picture this FMLYou have left your mark on an illustrated FML’s presentation blog article.
- I’m your new creative directorYou had to give your opinion on this new “art piece” that the whole world is talking about.
- MobilityYou are connected to FML via the mobile site or an app. How modern.
- The rules are the rules: Reading the comment rules is a really good idea. This badge is sponsored by Alan, FML's community manager, writer of this thing and person who will kick your butt otherwise.
- Socialite: You’ve used FML’s private messaging service for the first time. Will they reply? Wait and see…
- Perfectionist: Editing your comments can help you avoid embarrassment, and it might make you seem smarter.
- It’s in the can: Hey, you uploaded your photo, and you’re cute as a kitten!
- Beginner: You have looked through 5 pages of the website. That’s a start. (Only available on the FML website)
- I like your styleYou've given a fuck to/about someone. How cute!
- The MixerYou like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
- What'cha looking at?You have put three pictures on your profile, not necessarily pictures of your profile.
- Profile completed: You’ve filled out the necessary details. Having done so will be much appreciated.
- A new Thumb: You have left your thumbprint on 1000 comments.
The Thumb strikes backYou have left your thumbprint on 2500 comments.
Tweet, tweet: You have shared 20 FMLs on Twitter, your followers love you and we can understand why. (Only available on the FML website)
I like things a lot, 20 times in factYou have liked 20 FMLs and your Facebook friends are going to like the FMLs that you have liked. We like that. (Only available on the FML website)
Hard at Work: Voting on an FML from the Work category on a Monday between 8 and 9am, how ironic.
- Up and coming moderator: It is nice of you to help us sort out the submissions, using FML's moderate feature.
I agree, their lives suck200 votes confirming that their life is crap. It’s what the website is all about.
- 50 favourites: Love knows no boundaries. You’ve already got 50 FMLs in your favourites list!


That's quite lot for a start, right? But to quote the guy who runs the ride at the funfair in the field near our offices every summer, who yells at random intervals: "D'you want more? Scream if you want more, ya bastaaaaards!" OK, let's talk hidden badges.
 

But Dad, what about the hidden badges?
 

We're getting there, sunshine. Here's a few clues on how to find the hidden badges that are strewn all over FML like a rash on a neglected baby. Obviously, we're not going to make it too easy for you. These are just rudimentary tools, like the ones cave men had to invent the wheel, fire and anal bleaching. You're going to have to use your brain cells a bit. So, as we're nice, we're going to list ALL the hidden badges from the very start, in a random order, including the old ones and the new ones, mixing gold, silver, bronze and chocolate. Oh, for the more dense amongst you, that was a joke: there are no chocolate badges, so don't start sending me messages asking how to obtain chocolate badges. 

Hidden badge #1: You gave it a shot, but it wasn't good enough.
Hidden badge #2: You should be sleeping, probably. But instead, you're here. Are you drunk?
Hidden badge #3: Talking to creatures of the night is unhealthy.
Hidden badge #4: The answer to life, and also helping us out.
Hidden badge #5: Statistically, you've won the FML lottery.
Hidden badge #6: Are you living your sex life vicariously? (Only available on the FML website)
Hidden badge #7: A military feline. A colonel that miaows.
Hidden badge #8: Empathy isn't your thing, is it?
Hidden badge #9: I look good. No, that one's better. Or maybe that one?
Hidden badge #10: No friends, no family, or just a shitty end to the year?
Hidden badge #11: Learning the rules can avoid many grievances.
Hidden badge #12: Who's checking me out?
Hidden badge #13: Kids go looking for him in the sky at the end of the year.
Hidden badge #14: It's not a birthday, but sort of. You should get out more.
Hidden badge #15: Had a good ping pong match in the comments?
Hidden badge #16: The worm is waiting.
Hidden badge #17: A dream sequence with Leonardo.
Hidden badge #18: Push that fruit. A geek's favourite hotel room number. (Only available on the FML website)
Hidden badge #19: Who is flopping at the top of pops? 
Hidden badge #20: Networking, socialising, you're everywhere. (Only available on the FML website)
Hidden badge #21: Moderating can be surprising, links are available. (Only available on the FML website)
Hidden badge #22: Empathy REALLY isn't your thing.


That's it for our badges for now. Don't forget our friendly tip: if you spot a badge you haven't got on someone else's profile, you can always ask them how they got it. But please try and ask politely. Don't be like some people and be so blunt that they could be high ranked in "Blunt and Obnoxious Magazine's most uninfluential people of 2015". Be excellent to each other, and happy hunting!

#1503 - About FMyLife - On 02/23/2015 at 11:07am by Alan - 145 comments

Tine's illustrated FML

All you need is hate. That's what I got out of St Valentine's day last weekend, because I was sick and couldn't go to the restaurant as planned, along with the rest of the idiots. It's also the name of an excellent song, by the excellent (now defunct) Scottish band The Delgados. But all's not bad, there's still some things in this world that are worthwhile, aren't there? And even if there isn't, if life is getting you down, you can always count on "substances" to make life seem fantastic. A pint of lager laced with MDMA, an evening at Snoop Dogg's house to talk about plants or why not try some homoeopathy to see if the sugar pills containing nothing and the placebo effect/con trick will work on you. Sometimes, love isn't enough to make you feel as if you're constantly floating through the air and make life seem easy. You need something to kick you up the backside in the morning, which is what this week's illustrated FML is all about. Check it out.

TINE'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I made a good investment in a great little French bulldog to keep me company, but I've known better conversationalists."

Self-portrait Tine by Valentine.

 


Tine is short for Valentine, which is our guest's name. She's also "TinOdine on Facebook." And she's also yet again a Belgian girl from Brussels. I swear this isn't done on purpose.

Her info:
Age: 25
LocationBrussels
Blog: Her website Tine and on Facebook.
Her illustrated FML: The one about the coffees


Tine has already done an illustration for us, but it was only on VDM, our French site. You can check it out here if you want to, because we're not going to patronise you and assume you don't speak French. If you do, that's cool. If you don't that's cool too. I speak both, barely. Anyway, she offered to do another illustration for us, and this time we said yes, and offered to stick her on both websites. Speaking of which, if any previous illustrators are reading, if you fancy doing another illustration for us, and want to be on FML as well as the French website, do get in touch, we'd love to have you back. Especially if you've got something to promote, which is what this blog section is all about. So if you're out there, don't hesitate. For the rest of you, don't hesitate in sending me bottles of Jack Daniel's, some Pringles and some Cadbury's Flakes. I'm only mentioning this because I'm hoping that if I mention them enough times, they'll send me shitloads of free stuff for all the free publicity and my unwavering support. I've heard that it happens sometimes. I know that I'm not an influential fashion blogger like my friend Zoé, who gets given a helicopter every time she gets inviter to the launch of a new range of chain-mail trousers, but still, it would be nice to get gifts every now and again. Go on, sponsor me! It's my birthday in less than a month! 

Let's get back to Valentine/Tine. Who are you? "I spend my life drawing, and I'm even paid to do so : I'm a full-time illustrator. Well, not exactly, I'm also an accountant, a manager, a salesperson, a maid… You've guessed it, I've got an independent status. My days are a subtle mixture of drawing, bills to be paid, getting in touch with potential clients, cooking (ha…) and housework (sometimes). A few examples: I worked for the Belgian economics newspaper "L'Echo" (The Echo), and for two German media (where I'm originally from), some magazines, some websites, businesses - but also private orders, like wedding invitations, cards for newborns, various invitations, etc." I see, quite the busy bee than. I admire people who work a lot. I won't say that I'm one of them, but I get bored easily, so I have to fill my days with something, whether it's work or housework. Which in my world means, "Removing cat hairs from each part of the apartment".

Do you enjoy what you do? "I really like my job a whole lot, I'm lucky enough to be able to wake up (almost) every day thinking that I'm going to be able to (almost) earn a living by drawing. That said, working as an illustrator, or more specifically, a press illustrator, is quite a lonely one so what I miss sometimes is a bit of human contact. I made a good investment in a great little French bulldog but I've known be conversationalists. So yes, it's an interesting and great job, but a lonely one." I can understand that. I work mostly from home too, but I converse with cats. And I prefer to work from home, away from people. Human contact is overrated, and if I need to talk to someone, I just go over the road to talk to the girl who works at the bakery, because I have a huge crush on her. It's more than enough.

I asked Tine about her current news and projects, but got nowhere. She replied, "On my way to becoming a star" and "Loads" respectively. In much the same way, she replied "Joker" when I asked here how she started out in drawing and whether something or someone gave her the impetus to start. As I'm curious and I've got a warped imagination, I think this answer means that the day of her 7th birthday, the only gift she got was a 2HB pencil, and she was really disappointed, but she turned this disappointment into strength, and started to draw The Joker, Batman's enemy, and ever since she's identified with The Joker and she wants to defeat Batman, whatever the cost, often forgetting that they're fictional characters. OK, my theory is a bit crap, but that's all I've got for now. 

Anywayyy. Tell us about your pleasures in life and stuff. "I like to sleep. A lot. Other than that, I like going to the movies, going for walks with my monster, going for runs (nah, just kidding), cooking, ponies, rainbows…" Same as the rest of us. Running is horrible. I used to run, when I lived by the sea, I could run through the neighbouring vineyards, I was in love with this girl and… You know what, forget it. It's a story for FML's question time

How about a personal FML to finish off? "There's certainly been LOADS but I'm incapable of quoting any. I always make myself laugh when these things happen, then my brain classifies the event away in my brain - it's probably my ego trying to survive, no doubt." Denial is another way to live your life. But be careful, too much denial can make you start to act all strange. "Everything's fine, I'm fine" will work for a bit. I still wake up in a cold sweat about something I did or said in 10th grade. Neurotic, me? Penis, I mean, Mum, shit, I mean never!

That's it for this week. Thank you Valentine for taking part and for answering most of my questions, we got there in the end! It's the weekend now, well, it is for most people. Hope you have an excellent time, I'm going to stay indoors, listen to some Tim Buckley, drink some herbal tea and pretend to be Amish. Be excellent to each other, and see you next week.

How about you? Think you've got talent and want to do an illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com, but only send us your blog's address and/or a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1504 - Illustrated FML - On 02/20/2015 at 6:13am by Alan - 16 comments

FML's Question Time #1: Valentine's Day

It's a brand new Valentine's day, so here's a brand new blog section. Yep, you read that right, we're using the fact that Valentine's day is vaguely a controversial subject to launch this blog column thing, to let you have your say about it.

The main idea behind this new column is quite simple:  we'll be asking you a question every month, the sort of question that usually rustles people's jimmies, and all you'll have to do is give your opinion, back it up with facts or just by telling us a relevant and amusing story in the comments. This can be the starting point of debates, funny exchanges and stories that'll clash together like planets colliding in far away galaxies. Or something. There are no limits to lengths you can go to to convince us all, let your passion for typing stuff take over and maybe this whole exercise will be cathartic and therapeutic.

This month's QOTM: 


Valentine's Day: Who gives a f***? 
A day to love love, or a cynical Hallmark holiday?


To get the ball rolling, we've asked a few people to give their opinion.

"I hate it. I don't like having to buy roses, it's such a cliché, and besides, I hate surprises. And ever since I was dumped by a Wookie outside a combination Taco Bell and Pizza Hut on Valentine's Day three years ago, I'm not really in the mood for love." - Darth Vador

"Valentine's Day is a man-made construct, a patriarchal oppression tool that women have to conform to as a whole if they want to belong to the caste, otherwise they are shunned by society. We have to fight this abomination by metaphorically castrating Cupid by refusing all promotions on chocolate in supermarkets, but it's still guys who have to pay for the restaurant tab on Valentine's, OK?" - my neighbor, the sociology student 

"I love Valentine's Day, it's the cutest day of the year. I'll do anything and everything for the person I love the most in the world. Me." - Kanye West


Anyway, you get the general idea. So, Valentine's Day, are you into it, or do you loathe it? You must have stories of Valentine's days from your past that were absolutely shitfests. Or maybe you've got plans that you hope are going to be totes amazeballs (as annoying twunts will insist on saying). 

Stick on your procrastination hat, kick back and speak your brains. It's Friday, work can wait.

#1501 - Ramblings - On 02/13/2015 at 11:29am by Alan - 168 comments


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  • It's a new summer, so here's a new feature. OK, that doesn't mean much, but you've got to start somewhere. The idea came from the fact that we get sent a lot of FMLs that touch us, in our heart of…

Friday 24 July 2015

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