Greetings my young friends! It's 2016 and I'm late. No, I'm not pregnant, I'm way too old for that sort of thing, even though I've been trying a lot recently (hey there Didier, you randy rascal you). Yes, I've still been active in the FML postbag, with the help of my friends over there who give me your messages. I read through them and decide which ones to answer, because a lot of them are a bunch of whining dross, frankly. Oh, I forgot. I've been told to be nicer. Yes, me. Bernie. Nicer. It seems that some of you have sent in annoying e-mails to complain about my "tone" and my "shitty advice", saying that I'm not a "real agony aunt" and that I should be "thrown into a canal attached to some bricks". Well, OK, I'll try to be nicer, if that's what you people want. Let's get on with it.
How does this work again? You know all this already! We asked you wonderful people if you had any problems, whether of the heart, the knob, the boobs or any other part of your body. I'd read them from the comfort of my armchair, and dole out whatever advice I'd deemed necessary. No need for therapy or anything like that.
In therapy, tissues are supplied in case a patient breaks out in tears, or starts masturbating like a gibbon.
I've been reading your complaints. Someone asked how "young" I was. Are you an idiot? It's in my profile, or so I'm told. To write to me, you have to click on my profile, so it's written right there. Is this what it's come to, people asking me to give them answers which are already displayed on the FML website-thing? Just in case people are wondering, the moon isn't made of cheese and Elvis is dead. Anyway, let's get to it. Please remember that everyone featured on this page is a willing participant, and understood what they were getting into.
Our first question of the year is one from Railroader:
"Dear Auntie Bernie, My fiancée is wonder how you keep yourself looking so young? She is really jealous of your good looks."
Oh you little charmer you. Let's get on with the real questions, shall we?
I am what I am
Catdragon needs to know about shitty parents:
"I really want to get a girlfriend, but my parents are homophobes. if I get a girlfriend, I'll eventually have to tell my parents and introduce them. I don't want to get into a situation where I'm forced to pick between my family and my lover. I've already told them I'm bisexual, but that didn't go down too well. what should I do? I hope I did this right."
The last time around, I said that parents were idiots. I said that as a joke, and some got offended and send me death threats and voodoo dolls as if to prove my point. This question demonstrates that some parents are dangerous. Being hateful and unevolved is by all means everyone's right. People like this will die out eventually, probably after having blown their head off accidentally with one of the guns they love so much, and the rest of us can get on with being a decent, caring society. So, young Catdragon, yes, your parents don't "approve" of whatever it is you get up to in the bedroom, or who you fall in love with. So what? You don't need their approval. Live your life, move out and tell them to read a book every now and again. No, not that one.
An anonymous person is all over the place:
"So I've have taken a fancy on this one girl who is a grade above me (I'm a sophomore and she's a junior) and she's told me about how she plans to graduate early and go to an out-of-state college soon after. I haven't told her how I feel yet, and I will, but I'm concerned on whether or not it's worth it to be with her. After all, even if we were to date, it wouldn't be long before she left me for college. I'm not into long-distance relationships: I find the distance discomforting. Thank you for the advice. :)?"
Hang on, sophomore dude. What's with all this planning ahead? Have you lost your mind? You're debating the pros and cons of dating someone who has yet to graduate, you haven't told her how you feel, you haven't changed your socks in 9 days and you expect an answer right now? You're not into long-distance relationships, you find the distance "discomforting". Hey, I'm not into people who say "on accident". People who say "on accident" instead of "by accident" are automatically put into a category in my brain, people I couldn't trust not to try and fuck my dog. But I digress. Anyway, talk to this girl, tell her what's going on in your mind. Well, not too much. Keep it to the "I fancy you" part. As Funkadelic sort of said, free your mind, the long-distance thing should work itself out.
Trumpetsk is hesitating:
"My boyfriend left me for my best friend several months ago. I'm still stuck pining over him, I'm trying to move on but even talking to other guys makes me feel like I'm cheating. I had a son with this guy and my weakness is affecting my son. How do I stop pining over a guy who obviously doesn't care about me or his son? How do I stop being so weak?"
He doesn't care about his son? Why are you pining for this dingdong? He's an absolute ass. I know, I'm supposed to keep my composure. But this sort of thing really makes my blood turn piss-yellow. You're not pining for him, you're pining for the idea of the relationship. The whole "my guy, our kid" thing. Move on. If you realize that this ass, sorry, ASS is worth nothing, zilch, you'll soon realize that a new guy is just round the corner, ready and waiting to be there for you and your son. I'm not saying, "Go for the good guys", because that's apparently a "thing" on the internet. My neighbor told me about these twits, and bleh. Just find someone who you get on with. Pining after the past just stops you from moving forward. It's easy to blame everything on the past, stay stuck on amber and think that your best days are behind you. They're not. Move on. Get some!
Another question from LivToFail, who is concerned about her body:
"I need advice, im trying to get in shape, im eating square meals, and exercising 2 hours a day, but it seems my stress with homework and schoolwork, along with parents and clubs is putting me in a time crunch, is there any way for me to get some shit off my back before I hit the dust under it? I want some hard advice because I just dont know how to juggle it anymore."
Time is like a spiral. It's also a song by Pink Floyd. I remember when I saw Pink Floyd in 1972 and they played "Time", Dave Gilmour was so... sorry, I was having an acid flashback. Some people think that time is elastic. Others think it's a social construct. I've even heard people say that time is an orange peel falling to the floor of a caveman discovering how to eat fruit. But that was my ex, and he was a German electronic musician, and you know what they're like. Anyway, square meals, exercising... Wait, what? Two hours a day? What is wrong with you? Are you mad? OK, I'm all for being sporty and fit and stuff, but isn't that a bit much? You need to work out (pun intended) what it is you want from life. Do you want to succeed in getting a cool job, educating yourself to how the world works, or do you want to run around and lift things for two hours a day? You might as well literally juggle. If your parents are forcing you to do stuff, tell them to back off until you figure out what you actually want to do. Remember: this will change all through your life. What you want to do right now will be totally different in 10 years. I know this is hard to believe when you're 20 years old, but it's true. And people who say any different have no imagination, and can't see any further than their grave. I used to think I was going to be a secretary. Then I discovered Pink Floyd and the blues. Never looked back. Have fun!
Last question from an anonymous person:
"I have the most incredible boyfriend. We really hit it off and have a lot in common, and he understands me like nobody else. This is turning out to be a long term thing, but the problem is he can never keep a job or leave the house. I'm not shallow and it's not the money that bothers me, it's the lack of motivation and the idea of supporting him that upsets me. Do I stick with it, or start to cut it off? The stress this situation is putting on our relationship is almost to the breaking point. How do I handle this?"
See? This is the Yin to the Yang of the guy from the previous question. Or maybe the wang. Should I set the two of you up. You need to dump this loser, stat. People need to have dreams, ambitions, motivation to do… something. Maybe he's depressed, maybe he's got something going on in his head, we've all been there. I've suffered with crippling depression, but it never stopped me from going out and getting a job. Especially because it fueled my drug habit to combat the depression. But that's another story. Ask him if he's depressed, try and get him to see a specialist. If he won't, well... you have to think of yourself. Don't let him drag you down. The love is important, you've got that going for you. If he understands you the way you say he does, he'll make the effort. Good luck!
There, that'll do for this month. As I've said, if you wrote to me and you're a bit pissed off to see that you weren't featured in this month's column, don't send me any furious messages anymore! You might appear next month. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message in the comments under the article.
Who let the dogs out?
This is last part of the column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to other people (In doubt? Google reverse image search) and claim "That's me!", I'm talking about the people who are brave (or stupid) enough to put their real face on FML, and who have agreed to appear here.
This week, we're taking a look at Space_Teddy. Classic "looking up at the camera" pose going on here. I like it. But what's with the tattoo? Is that a tattoo? I'm all for expressing yourself with tattoos and body art, but I can't read it. It says something about Love, which is trite, and I just hope it says "Love is like licking a 9v battery". Which is true. And also like anulingus. Not a fan of the lip ring, but that's a bit of a young person's thing. When I was young, we just had earrings and that was your lot. None of these metal bits all over your body. The idea of putting something through my old titties makes me feel a bit faint. I like the face though. Pretty girl. Must get a lot of guys hot under the collar. Weird musical notes though. Probably listens to crap music, with guys that scream about how their parents won't let them go out. Gah.
That's my first column of the year over with. I hope you liked it. Or loved it. Either way, next time, maybe you'll be featured if you've sent me a letter. Just write if you want to be featured as the profile picture person. Makes no difference. In any case, don't be shy, write to me if you need help and/or need advice on how to live your life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young people of FML that I love <3
Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf