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Illustrated FML (339) - About FMyLife (101) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Pictures (14) - Books (9) - Special guests (8) - Competitions (6)

FML's Survival Kit #1

Here at FML, we're slaves to consumerism, always looking for the next item to fill the void inside us all. Buying stuff makes us feel good and the haunting inevitability of death seems less daunting. Anyway, here's the stuff that we liked this week! 

Our team is really into gadgets, games and weird objects of all sorts. This new column will allow you to find out what sort of things we like, what makes us giggle enough to buy, but will also give you some ideas for gifts, either for yourself or someone special. Check 'em out. 


 

They DO exist, I saw it on TV

"This week, me, my wife and the kids felt like getting all dressed up. I chose the mermaid costume because I've always been fascinated by fish. And I do believe mermaids exist. Just because there's no proof that they don't doesn't mean that they aren't a few here and there. That movie with Daryl Hannah and Tom Hanks wasn't a documentary but I'm pretty sure that something like that did happen."

 

 

 

 

We don't need no education
 

"I like great literature, like, loads. I read whenever I can, especially on the can. There haven't been any Twilight books recently and I was searching through my brother's room out of boredom when I came across this book by Bill Bryson. You NEED this book. I learned so many things while reading it that they couldn't fit inside my brain, they all fell out, and now I'm back to reading cereal boxes."

 

 

 

 

Drinking is fun

"Look at that! It's half a pint glass! You turn it one way and it looks like you're drinking a pint, but in fact, you're drinking a half! How great is that? Plus, you don't need to pee so much, because a pint is way too much for my bladder. Anyway, get this for the alcoholic in your life as a way to tell them to slow down!"

 


 

 

Meow time

"Meow. For people who have cats, or should I say, are owned by cats, get this fantastically amusing toy for them. It'll keep them busy way better than an Ingmar Bergman DVD or a dead spider. It's so easy to use that even the dumbest cat will understand how to use it (thinking of you, bro)."

 

 

Our house, in the middle of our street

 

"As a girl, I often have the flu. OK, maybe there's no actual scientific link between the two, but I use a lot of tissues. This little house uses tissues to simulate smoke. It's the perfect gift for your favorite masturbator."

 

 

 

 

Anyway, here's Wonderwall

"My main goal in life is to pick up chicks. Sorry, women. Yes, plural. I read in a lifestyle magazine that women like musicians, so I bought this Ukulele to learn how to play songs that melt hearts and underwear. It hasn't worked so far, but I'm learning how to play some Mariah Carey songs, so I should be A-OK."

 

 

 

 

 

Catapult your emotions

"When you feel the need to throw something at someone across the office, don't. It could get you into trouble with HR. Just set up this baby and use it only when the situation absolutely requires it. Like when… No, I'll bide my time."

 

 

 

 


 

That's it for this week. See you next week, same place, same time for some new and cool stuff we've seen floating around the internet!

#1614 - About FMyLife - On 10/04/2016 at 10:22am by Alan - 10 comments

Caption today's FML Photo


Hello everyone! It's Monday, so we thought we'd cheer you up with a picture to caption. We don't feel like working or studying either, so here's a fun little thing to do. Enjoy!
 

How does this work?

We're giving you a picture to caption. Nothing containing famous people or anything off the TV. Just a guy skating. It's up to you to tell the story behind it, using the "Today, (…) FML" template that we all know and love. Then, according to your votes, and a totally arbitrary choice on our part, we'll post the FML Photo in the category and credit the author of the caption.

The FML Photos are a colourful addition to FML. You can make them legendary. To do so, we're once again appealing to your creativity and sense of humour. Show us what you've got, if you've got it. There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to come up with a great caption to go with this photo.


Get on with it. Show us the photo already.

Here it is:


Feeling inspired?
If so, add your suggestions and captions in the comments below, in the best FML style you can think of. The funniest will be published in the FML Photos category, and the author will be showered in the glory of having their name mentioned alongside their creation. Ready? Go!

Subtle warning: Captions posted in response to top-voted captions, or in response to the captions in the first few positions will be disqualified/deleted/hissed at. Comment on the article, not the comments, so your votes actually count!

#1613 - Pictures - On 10/03/2016 at 10:07am by Alan - 18 comments

Caption today's FML Photo


Hi gang! FML is doing well and we hope that you are too. We're going to give you something new to do instead of working like you should be in the form of a picture to caption so you can mess around for a bit. Have fun!
 

How does this work?

We're putting up a picture, which is a photo we found somewhere. Nothing containing famous people or anything off the TV. Just a guy outside in some beautiful scenery, using his computer. It's up to you to tell the story behind it, using the "Today, (…) FML" template that we all know and love. Then, according to your votes, and a totally arbitrary choice on our part, we'll post the FML Photo in the category and credit the author of the caption.

The FML Photos are a colourful addition to FML. You can make them legendary. To do so, we're once again appealing to your creativity and sense of humour. Show us what you've got, if you've got it. There's no reason why there shouldn't be a great caption to go with this photo.


Get on with it. Show us the photo already.

Here it is:


Feeling inspired?
If so, add your suggestions and captions in the comments below, in the best FML style you can think of. The funniest will be published in the FML Photos category, and the author will be showered in the glory of having their name mentioned alongside their creation. Ready? Go!

Subtle warning: Captions posted in response to top-voted captions, or in response to the captions in the first few positions will be disqualified/deleted/hissed at. Comment on the article, not the comments, so your votes actually count!

#1612 - Pictures - On 09/26/2016 at 10:56am by Alan - 28 comments

The colouring book winners are...

 

We'll make this quick! We reviewed all the entries for this competition, but James Alexander's cat got the final decision. It was pretty tough, and we've added a book winner. This means that 6 people have won!

Who are they, then?


Well, here's the list, in no particular order :

- XCoraline_CrossX

- Monichino99

- ArizonaRain001

- PirateSnozzle

- young_cat_lady

- monyluv1

All the people mentioned above will receive a copy of the book! We'll be contacting very shortly to get your details, well done to all of you.

If you REALLY want a free copy, follow us on Twitter, we'll be giving some away on there in the near future!

As for the rest of you, or for those who didn't know there was a competition going, here's what these books are and where to get some :

 

What are these books?

Do you ever have to restrain yourself from shouting at someone at work? Or, maybe like Andy Murray you feel the need to scream obscenities with frustration at yourself or just in general at the current political situation? Restrain yourself no more!  Instead, colour the words you want to say but cannot with James Alexander’s brilliant new books Memos to Shitty People and Release Your Anger.

Hilarious, stress-relieving and delightfully deviant, these books are deceptively simple and a genuinely therapeutic use of colourful language. Each single-sided page includes such tension-busting phrases as, ‘Seriously, Bitch?’ and ‘Oh look... the fuck-up fairy has visited’ or ‘Fuck you, you fucking fuck’. Cute, innocent animals, beautiful flowers or intricate mandalas are hidden in the backgrounds to help let the steam out. To find out more about them, visit James and his books at swearybook.com.
 

OK, I want to buy one. How?

It's pretty easy. Just mosey on down to Amazon, or James's website, but we've made it even simpler: just click on the book cover below and it'll take you straight to where you can get one:

 

#1611 - About FMyLife - On 09/26/2016 at 9:22am by Alan - 7 comments

The Best of the Worst #26

Hi gang! How are you doing? We said in August that we'd be back in September, so here we are. It's been a weird old month, people have been on vacation, then returned and now summer is almost over and we have to get used to the idea that it's no longer all fun and games in the sun. But the weirdoes never go away. They send us strange, unpublishable FMLs, and we just keep stockpiling them. Let's take a look.  

For the people who have never seen this section of FML before: we get sent lots of FMLs, each day, all day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are not very good, copies of old FMLs or just plain old rubbish. Amongst those, we also get sent very weird stories, if you can call them stories. That's what we post in this column. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in. Have a look at this month's bunch.
 

Facial frustration 

Today, I wish dr phill would jus grow a beard all ready, I’m tired of seeing him with jus his mustache. Lol

Dialogue

MY MUMS EMBARRASSING. me: I’m hungry Mum: I’m cliff, drop over sometime? Me: are you fu*king kidding me.? Everyone: Trees: Birds: -.-


Oh the humanity

Today, I went and eat mcdonald , I ask for a curry sauce , they say it’s only available for nuggets


Man, I feel like a woman

Today, I found out my parents are gay with each other. So now I have 2 dads just one looks like a woman FML


Book learnin'

Today, I must have to read a book from my parants book reading is sooo bullshit FML


Insanity

Today, i was listening to BOTDF which stands for blood on the dance floor its a band theres a guy named dahvie vanity and i told my friend i have vanity insanity she replied to me society needs clarity and more manatees because humanity cant exist with out them thats just insanity F my friends. FML


Wrong direction

Today, I loved One Direction. I then realized once a Directioner, always a Directioner. People just don’t understand our love for them. FML.

Causality

Today, I had to get a fake leg and my mother died. FML


It's a gas gas gas

Today, my dad turned off all the hot water in the house, so trust me not to know that hot water is a gas. I hopped in the shower waiting for it to get warm but then my mum told me it’s a gas and that I had to have my shower in ice water! FML


Puppet master

Today, this guy stuck his finger puppet up my ass and he did it infront of his gf and she now hates me! FML


That's it for September. We'll probably be back next month for some more weirdness because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself while they are sent in by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. We can spot the phonies. Take care!
 

 

 

Bonus track: This person thinks that saying FML is like being… suicidal?

Wise words

Why does everyone use FML?Does anyone know the song “I hope you dance”?Its says “never take one breath for granted” so by saying FML is saying you want to die..Think before you tell/type

#1610 - About FMyLife - On 09/16/2016 at 9:24am by Alan - 33 comments