A few months back, we published an article containing a selection of rejected FMLs, which were all a bunch of odd submissions that probably never should’ve seen the light of day. Some contained terrible spelling, grammar and no actual stories. It was like reading the ramblings of a drunken horse, and most of them were without a doubt just plain weird. All were deemed funny enough to be revealed to the public, so we did. The article was so successful with you lot that we’ve decided to do it again. Yay! 

As we’d said at the time, looking through FMLs for something to publish is a bit like being a gold digger, sifting through the mud. Sometimes you get a gold nugget; sometimes you get a lump of shit. However, in some cases you get shit-shaped gold. Damn fine shit. This is that shit. Read on, but be warned, you might need shades.

 

Fad diets

yesterday, i was eating cats. i ate 3 then i ate 2, then i 1, and then i threw up. it was good. i had hairballs. yay me!

Needs more cowbell

On valentines day I got my girl friend a gift, it was a $899 ring, I looked all around school, and couldnt find her. I called her after school. She said she had moved. Her plane destin for new york had crashed and she was killed.

 

RIP, nutsack

Today, i died by cutting my balls off. FML

 

Goats head stew

Today, i found out that one of my good friends is OK with people drowning goats in vinegar in order to prep them to be eaten. This is not OK. FML

 

Horsing around

Today an asian kid decides to spit on me. So I decide to chase after him. He knows the area around better than I do and he quickly dodges out of the way. Right before a large male horse. I go face first into his rectum. Turns out the horse liked it and started ejaculating on my backpack FML

 

Lonely as a cloud

Today, I was looking out my window and i noticed a very dark cloud. I looked at and said that a big cloud. I leave the room come back and its the biggest cloud I’ve seen in a year, and the stupid thing is, i got scared of a cloud. I though it was gonna hurt me. FML

 

Robin Thicke writes an FML

So, it has been a while since I have had a proper lay. Tonight I was watching TV and just honey as fuck! So I started masturbating. Right as I was getting into it……. “adopt a starving third world kid” commercials come on. Man can’t I just get some real dick and not deal with this crap?

 

Captain Sensitive

Today I walked out to my car to get my generic vicodin. I took a look around at my old, small, home town. 20 minutes later I wrote a poem. FML

 

The ghost of horniness past

Today, a man in a powdered wig claiming to be the past life incarnation of myself propositioned me for sex. FML

 

The Emma Delusion

Hard to believe but im in a relationship with a famous actor. She is in actor for the Harry Potter Series! Well, unfortunatley she doesnt want to come out to the public about our relationship. I continuously tell her i LOVE HER. BUT she never replies with the same answer.FML FML FML FML FML FML

 

There. Will that do for now? Do your eyes and brainbox hurt like after a Mogwai concert? The good news is that as of now, once a month, we’re going to publish another selection of 10 oddball submissions from the recesses of the FML mailbag. Happy now? 

Oh, and another thing: these stories have all been carefully collected since the beginning of FML in 2009, so there’s no point trying to submit weird FMLs to try and get published in an upcoming article! Now that that's clear, see you next time. Now go outside and kick a ball or something.

 

 

Bonus not-really-hidden track:

 

One born every minute

Today, I will kill myself if my message doesn’t appear on Fmylife. If you click no, I will haunt your nightmares.

Hello everyone! How was your week? So-so? Cool? Great? Let's hope it was as amazing as today's artist. Last week we received Jeff Mumm, who inspired us with his unique journey; today, it's all about Dan Martin. His web comic Deathbulge is one of our favorites. Absurd, dark humor; simple art style, but oh-so-very expressive; we'd like to think he's a worthy successor of Cyanide & Happiness. Let's check his interview out, you'll see for yourself!

 

 

-What is your name, surname, as well as your nickname on the world wide web?
-My real name is Dan Martin. Though a lot of people don't know that and call me things like Mr. Deathbulge, which is FINE BY ME. I love it. I picked the name Deathbulge because the comic was originally a story about a death metal band, and I just wanted to think up a metal band name that made me giggle, and that was the only one that managed to. Check out Mr. Standards over here.

 

-How old are you?
-I am 25.

 

-Where do you live?
-I live in Surrey, UK. The town I live in is actually German for MURDERING. Which is pretty cool/foreshadowing.

 

-What do you do for a living?
-My job is the webcomics at the moment. I quit my little retail gig back in August 2013 to pursue the dream and make a living out of drawing comics. It's a tall order and I'm still a long ways off yet, but hopefully the merchandise I plan on selling in the near future will help. Failing that I'll most likely have to get a part-time job to help me out a bit.

 

 

-What's your journey?
-I don't really know! But as long as I'm pursuing creative urges, always challenging myself and making people laugh, it's all good. It would be great to branch out with Deathbulge at some point, break into animation or something. In fact I really REALLY want to make some sort of Deathbulge RPG game at some point. It's ambitious, but I'm determined to get one done before I snuff it.

 

-What are your inspirations?
-The readers mostly. Knowing that there's so many people checking out my comics. It's the greatest motivator ever to keep doing my thing no matter what. Especially when they take the time to send me mail or Facebook/Twitter messages saying how much they like the comics, ah man. I love that Deathbulge has gone down so well with people. I really do. I LOVE YOU ALL THERE I SAID IT.

 

-I think they love you back (including me) Do you read web comics? If so, which ones?
-Before Deathbulge (or pre-bulge as I like to call it) it was all about Perry Bible Fellowship, Nedroid and Cyanide & Happiness. I pretty much read NOTHING outside of those three. But once I started making my own comics, before I knew it I was super involved with the community and there's all sorts of comics I check out on the regular. Mercworks, Up and Out and Whomp! to name a few, and maybe Pandyland if he updated more often >: (.

 

 

-What else can you tell us about Deathbulge?
-There's not much to say about the site other than that I update it with comics every Monday and Friday. Though I do like to throw in a few surprises to keep things fun, every once in a while you'll see an animated comic, or a comic with some dodgy experimental shading techniques. As for why I started webcomics, it's strange. Deathbulge just felt like something I had to do. I felt that I could make a decent webcomic series if I just went for it. So I did. But to actually reach the level of popularity that I have and in such a short space of time. Bloody fantastic.

 

-How do you work?
-I like to be prepared. I've never liked leaving things till the last minute. I'm always striving to work up a backlog of comics as much as possible, so the comics are done and ready to post days/weeks before they are due. Less stressful that way! It's especially handy for when I get an idea for a comic that is particularly lengthy, I have time on my side so I can afford to be super fussy with the details and get it done properly, rather than rush it and not do the joke justice.

 

-Why did you choose this FML story?
-It just sounded like the most fun to draw in terms of visuals. It painted quite the picture! I threw in a fish for good measure. Sega Bass Fishing representin'.

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 

Hell yes Deathbulge is here : http://www.deathbulge.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

A few years ago, an idea sparked in a young man’s mind...

His heart was pure, his hair was proud and made of 100% alpaca. His name was Maxime (AKA Kittenheart). He brought FML to the world. It spread like a rash at a swingers party. But that was then; this is now. Now is the time to rejoice. It’s been 5 years. Five glorious years of FMLs, mishaps, mistakes, laughs, guffaws and blood-curdling cringing. In his song of the same name, David Bowie sings of "telephones, opera house, favourite melodies. I saw boys, toys, electric irons and TVs." which pretty much sums up a large part of FML’s content. We’ve had so much fun supplying you with these stories that we’ve barely felt these 5 wonderful years fly by. So today, as we’re so happy to be living in an age of lists and robots, we’re going to treat you to some bits and bobs from us here at FML, things you might not know, things you haven’t seen, and things you might want to forget...

 

The 5 longest-serving FML mods, when they were 5

The FML mod team has had quite a few members, but the longest serving have been around since the beginning. They were all 5 once, so here are their mugshots, as well as their own personal FML from that year.

 
 

The 5 record-breaking FMLs

The most agreed-upon one

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying, "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it. He said, "I don't know what you're talking about, Megan". My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
by thatsucks

The most deserved one

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML
by I_Am_The_Edge

The most commented on one

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
by RC3Welly

The most shared one

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML
by offbeans

The most concise one

Today, I shat a magnet. FML
by mimi

 

The 5 secret facts about FML you shouldn’t know about

- At one time or another, the mods on FML have all been under the influence of booze, drink, or, to put it another way, have drunk drinks to a drunken state and picked stories and published them. It’s not big and it’s not clever, but it happens. Do you understand now why some stories make it onto the website?
- As the website is taken care of 24/7, it also happens that mods will access FML using whatever means they can get their mittens on. And in whatever place they happen to be in. On a bus, at a My Bloody Valentine gig, during dinner at a restaurant, and sometimes while sat on the toilet. Which may explain why FML is littered with references to “dumps” and “being dumped”.
- For every regular, polite message we get sent to our support e-mail address, we also get one which contains a barrage of insults. (Percentages of which are : assholes: 10%, fuck you: 50%, blow me: 10%, get a real job: 30%.)
- The mods don’t always agree on which stories should be published. There are often more insults traded between them than there are in the support inbox.
- Members of the FML team have tried time and time again to submit their own FMLs (crapola happens to us too), but have never received enough votes to justify them being published. So, to date, none have been published. 

 

The 5 reasons why you've been banned

“HOW IS THIS AN FML?”

Well, let’s take a look. It appears that the story starts with “Today”, ends with “FML”, and has been posted on a website called FMyLife.com, after having been selected by readers and moderators of said website. How can it not be an FML? That’s the textbook definition of an FML. Don’t get us wrong, but do you question everything? Do you walk up to other people at their place of employment and question their professional judgment?
“Excuse me doc, but how is this the flu? My nose is blocked, my head hurts, I have a fever and I’m coughing. Surely it’s gout!”
“Excuse me cat, but in what way is this a hug request? You’re not doing it properly! I make the rules!”

“SO OBVIOUSLY FAKE!”

It’s so obvious that you don’t even care about giving rational, thought-out arguments. Unless you have solid proof that a story is a fake, your opinion is just that: an opinion. And opinions are not facts. Onions are facts. Talk to us about onions, and then we’ll listen.

“OP is a **** ******! F*** you and your f****** mother, you ***** of s***!”

Do we really need to explain this one?

“But what about my freedom of speech?”

If you’ll excuse the use of a tired may-may: "Boy, that escalated quickly." Please don't repost or argue about a comment that has been moderated; it's like coming to a knife fight with a banana. Freedom of speech doesn’t apply to a website that doesn’t belong to you. Can we come over to your house and write stuff on your walls? Thought not.

“FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE"

Dammit, who let that “person” back in again?

The 5 FML members' duckfaces that made us giggle the most this week

Remember: these simply made us quack up, and we don't wish anyone to feel offended. So try to go easy with the comments, guys.

And now, on to the birthday party. Time to break out the non-alcoholic beer, get some streamers and confetti, put on some music, and start awkwardly dancing. Yeah, it’s party central at FML headquarters; we know how to get down and boogie. Anyway, it’s been a wonderful 5 years with all of you. We hope you’ve enjoyed them as much as we have, and that we’ll carry on in much the same fashion for another 5 (at least!).

Until the next instalment in our adventures together, be excellent to each other!

Hello everybody! First let me wish you a verry merry happy New Year - last time I saw you, we were in 2013, remember? Did you gain weight? Never mind. Let me introduce you to our artist of the day: behind the guinea pigs and giggle, you'll see how inspiring he is. Yes, I mentioned guinea pigs. Come on, what's not to like about them? And thanks to Jeff Mumm, they're not only adorable, they're incredibly funny at the same time. Let's not waste a minute more and get this interview started shall we?

-What are your name, surname, and nickname?
-My name is Jeff Mumm. My old screen name I used to use was “Wald Flieger.” I don't use it anymore except on Newgrounds, just because I don't want to change the account there. I actually stumbled upon the name randomly, when I was trying to name a character I was creating. I got “Wald” from “Oswald” and “Flieger” just popped into my head. Later on I realized that the name means “Forest Flier” in German. Since I was taking high school German at the time, I must have subconsciously taken two German words that I didn't consciously remember. That's probably why it sounded “right” to me.

-How old are you? 
-I'm 28.

-Where do you live? 
-Southern California.
 

-What's your journey? 
-I started drawing comics about my pet guinea pig Joe in the 4th grade, and started my website JoeGP.com in the 7th grade. I drew and published Joe comics online until my senior year in high school. After that, I started experimenting with various comic series while I studied graphic design for a couple years in college. I didn't really like graphic design, and comics was what I had always really wanted to do, so I went to the Center for Cartoon Studies, a small school in Vermont for comics. Even though I'd always put comics at the center of my life up until then, going there really forced me to step up my game. I learned not to be so easily satisfied with my own work and to push myself to create more content than I had previously even considered possible. After I left CCS, I worked a full time data entry job for a couple years, trying to make a go of my graphic novel comedy project I had developed there about guinea pigs from space and 19th century Russians. The amount of work I demanded from myself was killing me, and I only got about four hours of sleep per night. Eventually I got burned out and realized I needed some more options. So I went to the Academy of Art in San Francisco to study traditional animation, which had always been a dream of mine. I went there for a few years and learned way more about my craft than I had ever even imagined possible. That really opened my eyes to just how much you can learn and grow as an artist. A year before I finally got my diploma (after about a total of seven years in school), the loan company I was using stopped supporting AAU and I wasn't able to secure another loan. So I went back to live with my family and started working on a massive Kickstarter project based on my webcomic that I hoped could at least finance a year of my life while I got my series off the ground. The project was a very involved platformer/adventure video game that I worked about sixty to eighty hours a week on for six months. I launched the Kickstarter and barely made 20% of my relatively modest target (in comparison to similar projects). That was easily the biggest wake-up call I've ever had in my life. It made me learn two extremely important lessons that I was too stubborn to accept up until that point. 1) Just because you spend massive amounts of time on something and invest yourself completely in it, doesn't mean anyone will care about it. 2) After over a decade of publishing comics online, I still had a LOT to learn. The aftermath of that was a pretty dark period in my life. It made me question everything I was doing and everything I thought I could do. But it turned out to be the most important thing that could have happened to me. It made me humble. It made me ready to push myself even further and grow more than I ever had before. It made me realize that no matter how far you come, there's always so much more to learn. Looking back, I'm actually incredibly grateful for that experience. I feel like before that happened, I was asleep, and I'm now finally awake.

 

-So basically you're trully an inspiration but what are yours?
-Brian Tracy has become a huge inspiration for me. His approach to personal growth and goal setting is amazing, and has really been what's helped me turn a dark time in my life into something extremely positive. Cartoon-wise, I've always been inspired by Calvin and Hobbes, the Tick, Sam and Max, Dexter's Lab, Spongebob. Animation-wise, old-school 2D Disney animation has become incredibly inspirational.

-You created your own but do you read webcomics? 
-I actually don't really read webcomics anymore. I used to love reading them, though. I think at this point I sort of don't want to think about webcomics on my time off. But my favorites used to be Dinosaur Comics, Chainsawsuit, Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal, the Perry Bible Fellowship, Sam and Fuzzy.

-Now, tell us more about thos guinea pigs of yours.
-After doing my graphic novel series fTGP, I had been fooling around with a copy-paste comic using my old pet guinea pig Joe as the main character. It was really just a joke comic meant to be stupid and became a way for me to create comics without being stressed out. After a while, it became clear to me that there was something really raw and genuine about my sense of humor in that format that I had never been able to achieve before, so I kept developing the series. It's become my main focus. I've recently started making the comic art more involved than it used to be, and I'm making an animated web series based on it. I'm trying to make the animation as high quality as I possibly can. I'm basically just trying to create an awesome series now.

-How do you work?
-I try my best to stick to a daily eight hour schedule I've set for myself. I prioritize my work and make extensive use of lists to organize all the steps for the various projects I'm working on so I can clear my head and focus on one thing at a time. I make my comics and animations in Adobe Flash with a Wacom Intuos4 tablet.

-And last but not least Jeff, why did you choose this FML story?
-This seemed like the most fun one I could draw. It also immediately clicked with me as something my character Joe would do.

 

-Thanks for taking part Jeff!

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 

Jeff Mumm's website: http://joegp.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

Hello, you groovy playas and leaf-blowing haters, it’s illustration time! Yeah, girl you know it’s true. Anyway, before we get totally side-tracked by 80s pop music, let’s get down to business and present our artist of the day. He’s a guy who lives in France and goes by the AKA Enutil, which sort of means “Useless”, almost. Oh yes, because this week we’re crossing over again with the dudes from VDM, our French sister website, forgot to mention it.

He doesn’t work as an illustrator but is so pretty damn good at it that he should be. In fact, he says he wishes he had more time to draw.

His current projects include maybe finishing off something he’d started working on with a friend called “2 Spacymen” but for now he’s mainly focusing on his blog, on which he’s launched two series: Jean-Paul Parfait (John-Paul Perfect), “the story of a man who wants to do things right, but that always end up badly ; the other being the Al Killer series, “the story of an asshole killer. The problem with this one is that I know where I want to go with it, but I don’t how to go about it.”

So, what else can we say about Enutil? He’s more into cats than dogs, even though he finds them a bit snooty: “they’re arrogant, selfish assholes, but when they mess things up we forgive them because they’re so cuuuuute.” He doesn’t check out many blogs, because, “I like stories that are built from A to Z. Blogs don’t allow that, they’re things in which people shove everything randomly. I like to appreciate an author through his work, not a work through an author.” Well put.

His main passion in life is movies, and when he’s not drawing, he spends time with friends and family. Or making up puns, much to everyone’s annoyance!

His final statement to us was this. We asked him to ask himself a question that he would’ve been liked to have been asked, and then answer it himself. He went for this:

Q: These days, do you think that if the character in your drawing for FML had been a woman or black, some people would’ve called you sexist or racist?

A: No. People aren’t that stupid!

 

 

To see Enutil's illustrated FML, click here!

 

So there you have it. Another week, another illustration. Keep ‘em coming folks, we love ‘em all. It’s always interesting to see creative minds take over the stories we publish to see what they come up with. The more distorted and funny, the better. Anyway, time to sign off for now. We’ll leave you with a few videos, arbitrarily chosen by the person writing this article who has decided that 1- it’s Joy Division day, so here’s a fantastic live version of ‘Disorder’, and 2- Doug Stanhope is a fine American. 

Take care and be excellent to each other.

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!