A few years ago, an idea sparked in a young man’s mind...
His heart was pure, his hair was proud and made of 100% alpaca. His name was Maxime (AKA Kittenheart). He brought FML to the world. It spread like a rash at a swingers party. But that was then; this is now. Now is the time to rejoice. It’s been 5 years. Five glorious years of FMLs, mishaps, mistakes, laughs, guffaws and blood-curdling cringing. In his song of the same name, David Bowie sings of "telephones, opera house, favourite melodies. I saw boys, toys, electric irons and TVs." which pretty much sums up a large part of FML’s content. We’ve had so much fun supplying you with these stories that we’ve barely felt these 5 wonderful years fly by. So today, as we’re so happy to be living in an age of lists and robots, we’re going to treat you to some bits and bobs from us here at FML, things you might not know, things you haven’t seen, and things you might want to forget...
The 5 longest-serving FML mods, when they were 5
The FML mod team has had quite a few members, but the longest serving have been around since the beginning. They were all 5 once, so here are their mugshots, as well as their own personal FML from that year.
The 5 record-breaking FMLs
The most agreed-upon one
Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying, "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it. He said, "I don't know what you're talking about, Megan". My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
The most deserved one
Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML
The most commented on one
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
The most shared one
Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML
The most concise one
Today, I shat a magnet. FML
The 5 secret facts about FML you shouldn’t know about
- At one time or another, the mods on FML have all been under the influence of booze, drink, or, to put it another way, have drunk drinks to a drunken state and picked stories and published them. It’s not big and it’s not clever, but it happens. Do you understand now why some stories make it onto the website?
- As the website is taken care of 24/7, it also happens that mods will access FML using whatever means they can get their mittens on. And in whatever place they happen to be in. On a bus, at a My Bloody Valentine gig, during dinner at a restaurant, and sometimes while sat on the toilet. Which may explain why FML is littered with references to “dumps” and “being dumped”.
- For every regular, polite message we get sent to our support e-mail address, we also get one which contains a barrage of insults. (Percentages of which are : assholes: 10%, fuck you: 50%, blow me: 10%, get a real job: 30%.)
- The mods don’t always agree on which stories should be published. There are often more insults traded between them than there are in the support inbox.
- Members of the FML team have tried time and time again to submit their own FMLs (crapola happens to us too), but have never received enough votes to justify them being published. So, to date, none have been published.
The 5 reasons why you've been banned
“HOW IS THIS AN FML?”
Well, let’s take a look. It appears that the story starts with “Today”, ends with “FML”, and has been posted on a website called FMyLife.com, after having been selected by readers and moderators of said website. How can it not be an FML? That’s the textbook definition of an FML. Don’t get us wrong, but do you question everything? Do you walk up to other people at their place of employment and question their professional judgment?
“Excuse me doc, but how is this the flu? My nose is blocked, my head hurts, I have a fever and I’m coughing. Surely it’s gout!”
“Excuse me cat, but in what way is this a hug request? You’re not doing it properly! I make the rules!”
“SO OBVIOUSLY FAKE!”
It’s so obvious that you don’t even care about giving rational, thought-out arguments. Unless you have solid proof that a story is a fake, your opinion is just that: an opinion. And opinions are not facts. Onions are facts. Talk to us about onions, and then we’ll listen.
“OP is a **** ******! F*** you and your f****** mother, you ***** of s***!”
Do we really need to explain this one?
“But what about my freedom of speech?”
If you’ll excuse the use of a tired may-may: "Boy, that escalated quickly." Please don't repost or argue about a comment that has been moderated; it's like coming to a knife fight with a banana. Freedom of speech doesn’t apply to a website that doesn’t belong to you. Can we come over to your house and write stuff on your walls? Thought not.
“FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE FAKE"
Dammit, who let that “person” back in again?
The 5 FML members' duckfaces that made us giggle the most this week
Remember: these simply made us quack up, and we don't wish anyone to feel offended. So try to go easy with the comments, guys.
And now, on to the birthday party. Time to break out the non-alcoholic beer, get some streamers and confetti, put on some music, and start awkwardly dancing. Yeah, it’s party central at FML headquarters; we know how to get down and boogie. Anyway, it’s been a wonderful 5 years with all of you. We hope you’ve enjoyed them as much as we have, and that we’ll carry on in much the same fashion for another 5 (at least!).
Until the next instalment in our adventures together, be excellent to each other!