Thank tinselled-Christ that that's finished! Christmas 2014 is finally over. We can finally stop grumbling about the endless songs about snow, put the presents away in a closet (or a dumpster) and start to digest the huge amounts of processed food that grandma has been force-feeding us. So, how was it for you? People on TV have post-match debates; here on FML we thought we'd have a post-Christmas debriefing, due to the anticlimax a lot of people feel, but are afraid to express out loud for fear of seeming ungrateful. Unless you're a teenager whining that you didn't get the iPhone 6, and telling every social network you can get your ungrateful mitts on that you now hate your parents and that you want to die in a sea of tears, you can tell us all about it on FML. Little kids certainly don't hold back.

Today, my five-year-old son wants to send a complaint letter to Santa, whom he claims left him presents, "so bad that even you dad wouldn't have done this to me." FML

Yes, the age-old present problem. Buying presents is a nightmare. Receving presents gives you nightmares.

Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML

We've all struggled to buy presents for people, and we've all struggled this year too. Despite the internet making it much easier to order stuff in November, you still have to think about who you're buying things for, estimating the risk/cost ratio. What, you don't believe there's a risk involved? Some people go to extremes to avoid having to go through the rigmarole of buying a Christmas present.

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

OK, we don't know whether this last case was more due to the cost, or the risk side. But it's still risky, buying something shitty for someone who previously respected you. You lose that respect just once, and it's gone. The next year, they're giving you something that'll shit all over your apartment and life.

Today, my mother gave me a Christmas present for the first time in 15 years: a dog. Her 16-year-old, untrained, mean dog who wears diapers. FML

Remember, a dog isn't just for Christmas Day. You've got to keep some leftovers for sandwiches the next day. Badum tish. Some people are forced to spend Christmas alone. Some are forced to spend Christmas with other people. Both sides of the coin are equally tretcherous.

Today, I spent the day crying, and ate McDonald's for my Christmas dinner. FML

The trouble with an FML like that is the lack of details. Is this person alone because family and friends are far away, and/or are down on their luck? Or are they alone because they're a total twunt that everyone hates and they actually deserve to be alone in a MickeyD's, crying? No follow-up to this story, so we'll probably never know. On the other hand, another circle of hell could be described as:

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how, "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

No thanks. Luckily, most of us are somewhere in-between. Decent presents, well-meaning relatives, but somewhere along the line, Murphy's Law appears.

Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put one thousand dollars on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The receipt with the 14 digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado. FML

Yes, I know, he got given a thousand bucks. A lot of misguided people will say, "But that's not an FML, his uncle is rich, yadda yadda yadda." Don't do that. You're missing the point of FML entirely when you do that. The point is not to score points in the "My life is worse than yours" contest. The stories are about facepalms, WTFs, headdesks and the things in life that suck. Christmas doesn't suck. And yet it does. The best thing about Christmas (besides "Last Christmas" by Wham! and Billy Idol doing "Jingle Bell Rock") is the warm, fuzzy feeling you get from all the family getting together. Or is it?

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

OK, that's not really a family atmosphere. This is closer to home, with a warmer feel than a randy Christmas parrot:

Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in the house had already opened theirs and had all gone to bed. FML

So, a lot of disappointed/embarrassed/angry/sexy people over the years. We've been going almost 6 years now (our birthday is coming up, get us some presents please), so we've had quite a few Christmas stories. But we want more, so feel free to use the comments section to expand on your Christmas. How was it? Pretend this is a self-help group for the post-Christmas comedown.

We've got New Year's Eve to look forward to now. Shudder.

 

Here we go, final lap before Christmas is finally upon us. Although, you could say we've been subjected to quite a few strains of Christmas already. The decorations are up since mid-August, and certain family members are pushing and shoving to get things organised since around the same time, since, you know, these things have to be planned "properly". The plane tickets have been bought early so you could fly cheaply to spend Xmas day at Uncle David's with the rest of the family, the frozen cutlets are in the cellar, along with last year's presents, and you have to go grocery shopping as soon as possible, to avoid getting crushed by two fat guys fighting over a sponge cake. Here at FML, we love Christmas because of the eerie atmosphere. The feeling that's a bit like one you get when a large supermarket opens in a small town. 

THE XMAS ILLUSTRATED FML (by Bénédicte)

"We're going to have chicken with morels! Yummmm! I save up my supermarket points all year to be able to afford those goddamn expensive mushrooms!"

This week, Mother Christmas is back ! Yep, it's our faithful companion Bénédicte who is returning to give us a slice of cake. She's been on here many times before, such as here in this article, so there's no need for a presentation. This week, it's a bit like the last day of school, when you get to do whatever the hell you want.

Her info:
Age: 56
Location: Lapland, France.
Blog: Her page Bloutouf, which is full of stuff.
Her illustrated FML: The one with the game

So, what shall we do this week? Should we get our stuff together and put it all in a suitcase ready to take the plane home tomorrow? Put on some Christmas number ones from the past and play board games? The Christmas spirit is difficult to define these days because things seem to be slipping. The Christmas number one for example no longer really exists. There's also the problem the people tend to get offended on behalf of other people who don't really care, and will complain that talking about Christmas is offensive to people who don't believe in The Jesus, and we should remain secular, yadda yadda yadda. Bollocks to that. Pagan festival, mixed symbolism, dates moving around, bits taken from other beliefs, go to work on the 25th if you want and hey, IT'S CHRISTMAS OK? Get off my case, I'm not even religious. I believe in David Bowie, that's about it. Anyway, it's time to watch the same movies that we watch every year, the same feel-good movies like Love Actually, It's a Wonderful Life and Cobra. What, you've never seen Cobra with Sylvester Stallone? Get it now, it's brilliant.
And it's the only time of year you can dress in red and white and get away with it. All year round, people will say, "Hey, red and white, in June? Really? Are you pretending to be Santa on vacation?" Hey, that's not nice. I know I've got a bit of a belly going on, but still. Here on FML, we like the colours, the lights, the trees. There's a definite Christmas spirit on FML. But more about that next week.

People travel a lot for Christmas. It's very traditional to go to stay with family for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, even if you hate each others guts. It's required. It's an obligation. For Bénédicte, who has two children and a husband, Christmas goes like this: "We eat the chicken, we put the kids to bed, we drink more and more, then wham, we pile the presents under the tree once we've tested that the little lambs are out for the count, then we go off to bed, all the while knowing that we will be woken up at 6 am by two hysterical midgets!" That's the story of life. Well, the story of parents' lives I know what she's talking about, I've got two cats so it's technically the same. We're going to pig out on Whiskas, clean the litter tray, play with the wrapping paper which is always more interesting than the present itself then go out into the neighbourhood to catch mice. Same as each year. That's what years of moderating FML does to your brainbox. OK, I don't have such a sad little life. Almost, but not quite. I'm off to see my family too. And it's stressing me out. Luckily, there will be booze. I've pressed my shirts, made my suitcase and most importantly, I've got the presents ready for the kids (real kids, not cats).

To finish off, as a picture is worth a thousand words, I'll let Bénédicte do her thing. We wish you all a merry Christmas, filled with joy, presents, food, family feuds, because it wouldn't be Christmas without a little feud over the dinner table, that is resolved by the exchanging of gifts. Like most things. Next week, there won't be an illustration, but a post-Christmas special. A surprise sort of thing! Lots of love from Bénédicte and FML! 

 

As always, if you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

Life is like a box of chocolate full of piece of rabbit droppings sometimes, isn't it? OK, I'll admit that's a weird way to start an article a few days before Christmas. Let me explain: you try and get to know people, to create bonds, to feel some warmth, to share some common ground with your fellow man. You find a place in a network, a circle of like-minded individuals. You even mistakenly try to find some sort of compassion and humility in the eyes of some lawyer you meet in a bar, a pub singer and a marketing expert. Then you realise that these links, these people, this "humanity" are all part of some underground caste of shape shifting lizards who control the world, and are all part of the Illuminati. What a bummer. So what do you do? You stay at home, thinking you're going to feel safe in front of the TV with your cats for company. But are you really safe. One man has all the answers. Let's meet him now.

MALEC'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"As for illustrations, nothing, zilch, nobody wants to know, so I'm releasing nothing at the moment (but I've got nothing to sell, so that's probably why…)" 

This week, our feline friends are the subject of the illustrated FML. Malec, however, is the subject of this article. He is also known as Alexandre. Malec is his nickname, and that's how I'm going to keep calling him throughout the article. 

His info:
Age: 30
Location: Tokyo
Blog : His YouTube page Malec ne fait pas de sextape ('Malec doesn't make a sextape')
His illustrated FML: The one with the cats. Yep, not many clues there.

Malec, answered our questions with joy. You can tell he's the kind of guy who is enthusiastic about most things in life. He's a bit like a sort of lovable character who will talk endlessly about his illustrations, life and whatever you ask him about. He has already illustrated a VDM, AKA an FML for the French version of the Website, but this is the first time he's being featured on FML.

So, who is this wiseguy, and what's his role in the mob? "I'm a starboarder for cartoons, which means that people gives me stories (which are more or less well written) and then I make them into pictures. Afterwards, this storyboard is sent to China, after which we get pretty little cartoons (or not so pretty ones) like Totally Spies, MBC, Rekkit, Calimero, Casper, Wakfu, etc. for our kids on television in the morning. In fact, you've probably seen my name on screen while eating your breakfast cereal. In live in Tokyo at the moment because my wife (who is from South Korea) is studying to become a Japanese teacher. So we're currently living Tokyo-style, and it's cooool!" Wow, culture shock! I've always wanted to visit Japan. Can I come and crash on your futon? 

So, what are you hawking? "I'm currently working on a great project with my friend Régis Donsimoni, the guy who did the Invisible College and Angus, on a comic book project called "Space School". It's a comic book in a strip format about a kid who goes to a space school full of extraterrestrials. It's for kids and for not-so-kids and it's very pretty and very funny. We hope that people will like it and it will be released when it's all been put together!" Looks good from here, we can't wait.

What's this YouTube channel about? "I've put my world domination plans to one side to concentrate on my YouTube career. For the coming year, my goal is for our channel to become famous, for people to laugh at our stuff and that we all have fun. There's a lot of cartoons on it, and it takes a lot of time for me to make them, so next year I have only one project: my channel." OK, we'll all be checking it out. And the rest? "For those of you who want to check out my illustrations, follow my Facebook page, I publish drawings now and again. The blog is still going because I publish videos every time one comes out." This guy is determined and passionate. I like this guy. "I also do some turbomedia, animated comic books that my friend Balak invented. In the beginning, I did loads during my spare time, in fact, that's all I used to do. Then, after about 4 years, I'd had enough and thought I'd come back to my first love: comic books. And I also thought I'd mess around in front of a camera with my wife. So that's how our YouTube channel started. It's very geeky, full of WTF stuff, a mixture of cartoons and live material and we hope it'll work!" So do we. 

Now, we've talked about your work and projects… How are you? "Right now I'm reading the Game of Thrones books, they're really great! I'd been told about the TV show and so I'd wanted to read the books, and I must say they've done a great job adapting the TV show into books!" That's one cultural reference point I know nothing about. I've tried, I really have. It just washed over me like a tepid golden shower. Anywayyyy, do you have a hero you care to mention? "Without any hesitation Arnold Schwarzenneger. The guy is HUGE (physically it's a given) but also his life story. He started from nothing, he came from a country that was a bit naff (sorry to all the Austrians reading this) he got rich from construction work before becoming famous, was a global megastar and ended up a US governor. The guy probably could've been president if he was born in the US. It's magical. I love the guy." The wonderful Bill Burr shares this opinion, there's a short clip here, check it out, it's really funny. (Short plug for Bill, 'cos I love him, even though he doesn't need my help: his latest Netflix special "I'm sorry you feel that way" is the best stand-up show I've seen in ages). And then go watch Arnie in Last Action Hero, it's brilliant.

That's enough plugging. Do you have a personal FML to share? "During class, I went to take a dump. I created something so huge that when I flushed, it got stuck. I flushed again and the water started to rise, all tainted in brown. Then the bell rang and everyone started to leave their classrooms. I ran away, ahahaha. FML?" FML. We'll allow it. 

I think we can start the weekend now. Thanks to Malec/Alexandre for taking part, it was nice having you with us. Go check out his YouTube page, I know a lot of you will stumble on the language barrier or complaining that, "Hey man, it's not in English" but I don't like websites that talk down to people and think that their readers are uneducated buffoons, so who cares if it's in French, maybe it'll give you the opportunity to see some new stuff and broaden your horizons. Next week it's the week before all hell breaks loose, so be warned. And be excellent to each other. Take care. 


What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

Oh dear, it's nearly Christmas. We've got ourselves into the spirit of things by eating undercooked turkey drumsticks and hurling abuse at the TV. But even while we were giving The Good Wife the finger, we still remembered to get together this early Christmas present for all you good little boys and girls out there. Yes, it's the usual collection of weird and wonderful FMLs from the bottom of the submissions bag. Get ready to scoop your eyeballs back out of your drinks. Here we go. 

For those of you who don't know, the perfect analogy for this article would be that it's a bit like if a restaurant had a second menu, containing all the failed attempts at receipes they'd tried and turned out absolutely awful. The stories below are failed FMLs, sent in by actual people who thought we were actually going to post them. Poor souls. Anyway, here we go for this month's pick.
 

The Pooter

So my brother got up from his laptop for a funeral and said to me, “don’t touch my compooter” and I, ever sarcastic, came up with, “don’t worry, I hate it because of the Pooter but I love the COM” I managed to yell this across the room. In front of my stepfathers grieving family. FML

GPS

Today, someone tweeted that there was a possible missing person in Paris, France. I said I would help, as I was staying in Paris. I searched for two hours around hotels in the area where the person might be, to no avail. It was then that my parents informed me that we were in Phoenix, not Paris. FML
 

Where is my mind?

I am working in Indonesia, but I am not Indonesian It’s really fantatic that i live in abroad
 

You don't understand me, mom

I’m trying to go punk for a while and today I got an iPod as a gift…why don’t ppl get it??? FML
 

Casino

Today, on the Rez some were about in Montana I walked in on my boss red fether fucking my wife fly trap and then my boss told me I was fired from the casino and that he took my native pride away…FML…
 

E.R.

Today,my daughter got sent home because she was laughing in the AIDS and HIV unit…….my daughters 5 still don’t know how she got there.

The Christmas Spirit

Today, my deaf bus driver played crappy Christmas music and the only girl singing to it is a Jew
 

We need to talk

Today,lets talk about sex baby, lets talk about and me having sex
 

White Christmas

Today, as a 14 year-old boy, have decided to masterbate for my first time. Halfway through, my mom walked in on me to remind me of our Christmas trip. Guess who isn’t coming. FML
 

The sweet smell of success

My little brother just straight up sniffed my butt because hr thought i farted
 

That's it for now. We'll be back in 2015, with more stories about things that we can pretend to understand. If you enjoyed reading these, keep an eye for more by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website. Oh, and as usual, these are all compiled from the website since it started out, so to all of you who've tried sending in weird FMLs to try and get on this page: don't bother. Until next time, be excellent to each other and have a wonderful Christmas and a fun New Year's eve party.

 

 

Bonus not-really-hidden, track. This one is special because it represents 87% of the stories we get sent, stories from teenagers who have had something "horrible" happen to their precious phone.

 

Phone story #57664

Today, all day I kept dropping my phone in it didn’t crack I thought it was invisible but then I drop it on carpet in in crack tell me how tht happens Fml

Let's get one thing straight: we're not going to talk about the weather, are we? It's true that certain parts of the world (and my own body) are very cold at the moment. Freezing even. But FML is an international website/app, so some of our readers are, as we speak, in the sunshine, chilling out, having a wonderful time. Bastards. So, to make this the website that strives to include everyone, let's all imagine that we're all now out in the sun, our bodies swaying to the gentle tones of the music coming from the small radio sitting on top of the wooden bar. In the distance, a waiter in on his way to bring us a multicoloured cocktail with a paper umbrella in it. There. Feel any better? Let's forget about everyday stresses, annoying people, the miserable boss, the step-dad with the bad breath, yesterday's parking ticket, the girl from the other night with her indecisiveness, the guy at the movies behind who won't stop talking. It's all an illusion. The truth, brothers and sisters, is that nothing is important. It doesn't matter, and this week, two guys are at hand to show us that life is full of people who are waiting to piss you off, but if you work at controlling yourself instead of headbutting people, you'll make it.

MONSIEUR K & MYSTER B'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"As I'm viscerally opposed to consumerism, I'd advise you to take a walk now and again, go sit on a rock and stare at the sky, and take a while to do so."

This week, we're getting a double helping in a way. It's two illustrators for the price of one! It's a welcome return for Monsieur K, who has already illustrated an FML for us, which you can see here, and he's joined forces which the talented Myster B, to co-create this weeks illustration. As Monsieur K has already given us his life story in the article I wrote about him here, I'm going to mix things up a bit, and examine Myster B. 

His info:
Age: 40
Location: Béziers, France
Blog: La Bête du Gévaudan
Their illustrated FML: The one with the sharpie

These guys seem cool. You can tell that they're the kind of guys that always have ice cubes in their homes, if you see what I mean. If they're here today, it's not just because they've done a great illustration for us, it's also because they're doing some promotional work. Yes, sometimes, when we like some people, we let them return to our pages and hawk stuff. It's got to be good, quality stuff. We wouldn't let any old fodder be sold on FML. Anyway, we'll kick off with the promotional pitch, because otherwise you'll all be wondering why this meeting of the minds is happening  FML. 

So, why did they decide to join forces? Their partnership on FML isn't totally innocent, of course. They've just launched a comic book, that they created together. I'll let them explain it : "'The Anachronistic Chronicles' tells the amazing (and harrowing) story of the time travelling trek of three men through humanities' great mysteries, unaware that they are creating the myths that they have come to observe. The first opus takes the reader in pursuit of the famous beast which attacked over 150 innocent people in the Gévaudan region of France in the 18th century." Long-time friends, Myster B and Monsieur K cooked up this story in great secrecy, and say so themselves: "Our revelations are going to overthrow many of the world's beliefs!" 
Close to being nuts, these two comic book authors mainly enjoy telling incredible stories, and it's not their first attempt (comics, movies, documentaries, novels…). They decided to throw themselves into this adventure in October 2013, with the aim of releasing an album every year ("For Xmas, like Disney!" they declare with humility). 10 tomes are planned. We have been warned. "The first tome is called 'Gévaudan' and is the fruit of a totally symbiotic year's-worth of work, like a ping pong march. It's in the shops for Xmas 2014 and it can be ordered (in French) on its website." Naysayers among you might think that it's weird, promoting a book that's in french, but if you're into comics, what better way to learn a new language than with great artwork. Plus, it might one day be translated if enough of you ask for it. 

And who are these wiseguys anyway? Monsieur K, we've met before, but Myster B, who's he?  "So, in the morning I get up, but I don't have breakfast. Then… Ah but… OK! I'm a stay at home dad, but I also do important things. None that comes to minds, but I do…" Hmmm, OK, sound like me when I try to explain what exactly my job at FML is. Seriously, it's really difficult to explain to someone who doesn't know what FML is, or who's never seen a website, or an app like it. Yes, people like that do exist. Oh, and I'm not a stay at home dad, but I have cats which is scientifically EXACTLY the same.

What does he enjoy about his life? "What I enjoy is starting from nothing and creating an entire universe. I just need extra wages so that I don't have to stop doing what I love so that I can eat." Oh, I know what you mean about extra wages. Sometimes, I find myself thinking that all wages are just extra wages, and that ideally shouldn't have to need to be paid to do things, we wouldn't need to work and gather a lump sump of money to feel good about ourselves, and monetary exchanges wouldn't exist, and then my cat starts meowing because she wants feeding, and the litter tray needs changing and all the Marxist ideals falls by the wayside because of cats. 

Speaking of ideals, where do you come from, and where are you going? "I'm having lunch with my mother today. Other than that, I've just finished a 60 page comic book with Monsieur K about time travel." Oh yes, I seem to remember mentioning something about that at the beginning of the article. Any projects? "In the near future, I'm going to be finishing my cigarette. After that, the rest of the comic book series (we want to do 10 tomes, and one tome takes a year). It's going to take quite a while…!" I can't imagine the time it takes to write and draw something so ambitious. When I try to draw a man taking a dump into a hat, it doesn't look like a man or a hat, it takes ages to do and then I can't even remember why I started doing it in the first place. So, guys, I take my hat off to your talent and patience and stuff. Myster B says, "I created my first comic when I was 8 (I've still got it, it's cringe worthy). I can't live any other way than by creating or by writing stories." If I'd had this same drive, maybe my dumping man with his hat would've looked pretty good, and would've taken me 10 minutes.

That's enough with the philosophical musings. Have you got a personal FML to end the interview? "First week back from vacation for kids in nursery school. Dad (me) is in full flight, thinking of everything, every morning. This morning, weirdly, the school's gate isn't yet open, despite it being 8:35 am, the usual time the little devils all turn up. Checking the surroundings, it seems that a several dads have also made the effort this year. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. Still nothing. A mom arrives, they say hello. She laughs, saying, "It's so handy that school starts at 9 am on a Wednesday!" 20 minutes sleep that I'll never get back. FML" Sleep is sacred.  

Speaking of sleep, it's time for me to leave. Thanks to Monsieur K and Myster B for taking part as a team, it was great to have them on board. We hope they'll be back soon. I'm off to do some transcendental meditation to try and understand people, and to commune with nature. See you next week, and remember to be excellent to each other. 

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away