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Scarlatine's illustrated FML

Are your abs well-toned and look like you’re made of metal? Feel like a machine ready to take whatever the crossfit fad can throw at you? Do you scream, ”Bro, do you Even lift?" at people during arguments? As you may have gathered, this week, we are interested in the phenomenon of unrealistic standards imposed by the patriarchy that wants to keep the masses docile by imposing cognitive dissonance, pushing everyone one the one hand to consume more, gorging ourselves to try and be happy, while on the other hand falsifying evidence via the media that happiness is accessible only to those who have achieved a normative and arbitrary “perfect” physical perfection, unattainable to most of us. Hmm, don’t know what came over me there. Wrong meeting. All of that jibberjabber to say what? This week, we’re talking sports! Let’s go!


"My favourite biscuits, which are so addictive, are the Baiocchi by Barilla, filled with cocoa paste. It’s impossible to stop eating them."

Self-portrait Géraldine by Scarlatine

This week, we’re returning to France. It is under the name Scarlatine that Geraldine is known and works, and I will continue to call her Scarlatine throughout the article because it's fun and because I like infectious diseases, Scarlatine being the French name for Scarlet Fever.

Her info:
Age: "You're not supposed to ask me that"
Location: Clermont Ferrand, France
Websites: Her blog and her Facebook page
Her illustrated FML: The one with the abs 

Let's go for a stroll through the scarlet and gold universe. I say that because the disease that bears the same name is caught vie the Staphylococcus aureus bacterium, the aureus part meaning golden. OK, maybe I shouldn’t attempt latin-based puns, or puns at all for that matter. All that needs to be said is that Scarlatine’s talent is undeniable, and her style is quite infectious ... OK, I'll stop with the jokes about her name, I'm sure she's called like that in honour of the artistic side of her feverish passion. There, we'll say that. It was me who had contacted her after finding on her blog during a drunken night on the internet, looking... oh, that was when I stalking my exes on Facebook. What I meant to say was, in the context of my job for FML, I often visit illustration blogs at random, and I offer the artists I like to take part in this blog. Scarlatine said yes to my offer, although it took several months for her contact me. I don’t blame her, for the work she has done is great, looks good and will resonate with many of us. Yes, fitness is a concern for many people, because societal codes and standards, blah.

Who is Scarlatine and what does she for a living? "A lot of drawing. I teach children as a teacher of Plastic Arts (since 15 years) at high school and middle school with students of various ages. I make illustrations and paint the rest of the time. I observe my surroundings to find a lot of funny anecdotes and gags to be able to recreate the illustrations from them." A school teacher. Hmmm, it will interest our young friends who read us in their thousands, scratching their acne and who think that teachers are boring adults who have nothing to do with their lives than take the piss. Hey, yeah youths, teachers can ALSO illustrate FMLs, Booyakasha.

What do you enjoy in all of this? “I like the idea of ??being able to get up in the morning and tell myself that I make a living drawing when others do more “rational” jobs. What I'm missing? Bonus lives in order to have more time to get to grips with all my projects and work on other areas (graphics, sculpture, video editing, writing, etc.). I somehow put aside painting, to the detriment of illustrations, which take up 70% of my time, and I would like to get back to it. To see my paintings, which have absolutely nothing to do with my illustrations, click here. In short, to have more time, one lifetime isn't enough!”

Where do you come from, as in schooling and stuff? "I have a Masters in Plastic Arts and I’m an arts teacher as Job 1, and an illustrator as Job 2. I still prefer the illustrator job, it’s a lot quieter.” Arts teacher, OK, all right, they’re probably less hated that history teachers or math teachers. The arts teachers, in my mind, they’re the ones who had good records, had Sonic Youth t-shirts, and you felt that if you pushed it a bit, you could end up smoking a joint with them while discussing Cubist-period Picasso or Alan Vega albums. Where do you like to create your drawings? "I should answer my large Scandinavian table in my luminous livingroom that’s dedicated to my work, but the reality is quite different. I’m rather sprawled on my sofa, the computer on my knees, feet on the messy table in front of the TV with some cookies. (Much less glamorous!)" No no, it's perfect as an image of pure creativity!

What are your plans for the future? "A book of personal illustrations. It has already been offered to me but I’m taking my time. I’m collecting stories for the moment. I thinking a lot about the content instead of rushing, even if the proposals are attractive." This is the best solution. It’s not all knowing how to draw, the content must be funny, interesting, and it has to have a story. So we will wait around a bit for the collection.

What are your inspirations, is there someone, an event or something that made you want to start drawing? "My high school art teacher, Ms. Bedel! She sometimes left students alone in class, for a moment, and they remained calm, caught up in their subjects. She never raised her voice, she knew how to earn respect. I thought it was remarkable. She was the teacher who gave meaning to my life at that time. From that moment, I wanted to become a plastic arts teacher. A way to exercise my passion, having the security of a job that gives me free time and thus lets me draw." So,do you have heroes in your life like her? "My father. It was he who gave me the drawing virus. He draws very well and can do all sorts of things. I thought he had magical powers when I was little and I watched him draw. I was fascinated by his ability to tell stories and bring something out from a simple white page. I think subconsciously I wanted to have the same power too... He taught me the basics. I was fortunate to have openminded parents, who then encouraged me on this not always reassuring journey. They are my first heroes."

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life? "Painting, drawing, collecting beautiful beaches with my lover, eating, sleeping, playing the drums, seeing my family, decorating my apartment, traveling, reading..." This is a good start. And your musical tastes, literary and comic-esque, what d’you recommend at the moment? “Movies: I don’t go very often, but I loved Ozon's latest film," A new friend" with Romain Duris and Anaïs Demoustier. Music: ??My latest discovery, the otherworldly artist Papillon Paravel. His lyrics and melodies are just sublime. Someone that needs to believed in. Books: To be read once in your life: "If This Is a Man" by Primo Levi, a testimony recounting his experience surviving a concentration camp. A slap in the face that will not leave you indifferent. TV shows: True Detective, Dexter, Six Feet Under, Mr Robot. Comics: Manara for the drawings, and sensuality of heroines.” And artists whose blogs you check out? "Voutch, Margaux Motin, Penelope Bagieux, Diglee, Hudrisier Cécile, Claire Wendling."

A personal FML perhaps? Perhaps my first day as a teacher in a new school. I arrived on a scooter in the teachers’ parking lot when suddenly someone challenged me and said that students were not allowed to park there ... FML!” An FML classic, a teacher who gets mistaken for a student. It’s rarely the other way round.

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? "I think I would give the same advice I give to my students or those who want to make illustrating their profession, namely:

- Draw every day so you don’t lose your touch.
- Observe and draw from reality.
- Create a blog to publicise your creations, and show your work regularly.
- Dare to go lookingfor people, without waiting for them to come knock on your door.
- Avoid working on your couch, find a dedicated place. "

I see, do what I say, not what I do!

I think that’ll do for this week! We warmly thank Scarlatine for taking part, she was great. So, it’s Friday and as you’re reading this article, if it is indeed Friday, the day this is released, I’m now in England with my grandma, who is 97 years old. You don’t give two hoots about that information, but I'm quite happy to go see her. I leave you with the most mediocre slide in the world and an old song. Kisses!

And how about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email on [email protected], not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your work.

#1547 - Illustrated FML - On 10/05/2015 at 4:34pm by Alan - 5 comments

G.E. Gallas's illustrated FML

Hardcore will never die, but you will. We’re back with some rock n roll, or dare I say it, some punk rock. Don't run away, it's not that terrible stuff that emo kids listen to while slashing their thighs, it's the real thing. Not the corporate-sponsored, over-produced kind. Anyhoo, this week we've been fighting against our inner demons while revisiting our record collections, and celebrating the return of New Order with a cracking new album. This week's illustration will make you want to travel back in time to New York City and hang out with Talking Head, Lou Reed and Iggy Pop, or maybe watch re-runs of Starsky and Hutch. Who knows? Anyway, that's enough Generation X nostalgia, let's get on with the interview. 


"One of my favorite restaurants is Rai Rai Ken in the East Village. I love going there during happy hour to eat pork buns and gyoza while listening to the J-Pop they always play."

Self portrait G.E. by G.E. Gallas

G. E Gallas. I don't know what the G and the E stand for, but I'm pretty sure we can find out what her full name is somehow. Or just guess. General Electric? Probably not. 

Her info:
Age: 27
Location: Washington, D.C./Gaithersburg, Maryland
Website: Her blog
Her illustrated FML: The one with time-travel

This week's artist is quite arty. I don't mean that our other illustrators are boorish yobs, I mean she has this American Gothic, NYC art school quality about her work. Does that make any sense? Probably not. I can imagine her listening to the wonderful Velvet Underground in a tiny NYC apartment, typing out a short story about a man who learns how to see though walls, but who loses a pair of shoes each time he does it. Hmmm. I'm not making much sense today, I really need to cut down on the bootleg cheese. G.E. contacted us a while back, and as you can see, her work is quite striking. It's pretty rare for an American artist to contact us, so we said yes. She'd already set her heart on the FML, so we were away to the races, up and running, well chuffed. Let's find out more about this mysterious person and what she does.

So, what do you do for a living? "I’m a freelance writer and illustrator! My illustrations are featured in the young adult title Scared Stiff: Everything You Need to Know About 50 Famous Phobias by Sara Latta and the non-profit self-help book Do More Good. Better. by Steve Scheier. Moreover, I’m a graphic novelist working on a series called The Poet and the Flea about the poet-painter William Blake. While working on The Flea, I’ve become a self-taught Blake scholar and have spoken upon invitation to The Blake Society (London), Yale University School of Drama, and Germanna College (Virginia). As you can see, I’m very interdisciplinary!" Ah, William Blake. Most famous amongst bad music lovers for the band the Doors taking their name from one of his texts ("the doors of perception"), but also a great inspiration to many. I live by the notion that "the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom". I've not yet reached wisdom, but by jove I'm enjoying the road.

Where do you come from, school-wise and studies and all that? "I am a graduate of New York University: Gallatin School of Individualized Study, where I created my own major: a cross-cultural study of storytelling within film, literature, graphic novels, etc. I’ve been studying Japanese language and culture for over 10 years and spent my junior year abroad in Tokyo, Japan. I’ve interned at the Cannes International Film Festival as well as Zest Books, a young adult nonfiction publishing company in San Francisco. This year, I volunteered at BookExpo America in Manhattan and attended New York University’s Summer Publishing Institute." Quite well traveled then. And you've been over to France, home of FML and VDM (the mothership). Some of you might not know this, but FML is originally French, and is run in France. So stop sending us e-mails about the US constitution and US laws, they don't apply to your "right" to "the freedom of speech" to post comments calling strangers on the internet "whores" and "sluts". The Cannes Film Festival is quite the blast over here, you must have enjoyed yourself!

What are your plans, work-wise or personally (if we can go there)? "For the anniversary of William Blake’s death, I was interviewed by the new blog Glommable (you can check it out by clicking on this link). I will be exhibiting for a third time in a row this September at SPX (Small Press Expo) in Bethesda, Maryland." And what sort of ambitions do you have for the future? "As I mentioned before, my current project is the three-volume graphic novel The Poet and the Flea about William Blake. The script for all three volumes is complete and I’m almost finished illustrating the first volume, which I’ve very excited about. The graphic novel's main antagonist, The Ghost of a Flea, originates from a miniature painting by Blake of a muscular and menacing creature that is said to have haunted him. I have so much fun working on this project because I try to incorporate Blake’s unique style into my own and there are so many interesting characters, costumes, angels, demons, and cityscapes to draw."

What is your inspiration, is there someone, event or something that made you want to start drawing? "I’ve been telling stories through words and images for as long as I can remember. My mom’s an abstract artist and my dad (a lawyer) is very artistic, so they’ve always been very supportive. During elementary and middle school, my biggest inspirations were Edward Gorey, Hergé, and Ai Yazawa, all of whom inform my work even now. I’ve saved many of my old sketchbooks, and it’s wonderful to take them out on occasion and see how far I’ve come." Any heroes you'd care to mention? "Joseph Campbell! I often joke that his The Hero with a Thousand Faces is my bible. For those unfamiliar, Campbell’s masterpiece is about the universal hero’s journey, which I use in my own writing as a formula or foundation for storytelling. Campbell has been an inspiration to me since high school and was an important fixture in my self-designed major." 

You chose an FML containing the glorious Ramones. What sort of things are you into? "My taste in music is very eclectic, so one minute I’m listening to the Japanese jazzy rock song “Kamisama, Hotokesama”(God, Nor Buddha) by singer-songwriter Sheena Ringo and the next I’m listening to Verdi’s aria “Di quella pira” sung by the German tenor Jonas Kaufmann. I’m a huge movie buff, so asking me my favorite movie is a very tough question to answer. But my all-time favorite film is The Manchurian Candidate (1962) starring Frank Sinatra, Angela Lansbury, and Laurence Harvey. It’s the kind of movie you can watch a hundred times and notice something new and exciting every time. I just finished reading all 650-some pages of Earthly Powers by Anthony Burgess (who wrote A Clockwork Orange). It’s actually my mom’s favorite book — she’s read it at least three times. I was completely blown away by it! As for television, I can’t say enough good things about Hannibal and am so sad that it was canceled. Right now, they’re into the Red Dragon plot line and I get such a kick out of all the Blake references. And comics: I’m thoroughly enjoying the deluxe anniversary edition of Tove Jansson’s Moomin, the famous Finnish troll that looks more like a hippopotamus."

What do you enjoy in life besides all that? "One of my favorite pastimes is visiting museums! Since I grew up just outside of D.C., I was constantly visiting museums with my family or on school field trips. While in New York this summer, I tried to go to a different museum every weekend. I really enjoyed the new John Singer Sargent exhibit at the Met and the Lewis Carroll exhibit celebrating 150 years of Alice in Wonderlandat the Morgan Library. A few years ago, I was in London for about 4 days and visited the Victoria and Albert, Tate, and British Museum. I’d love to go back to London in the near future to continue exploring their amazing museums." Well, if you're even in Paris, give us a call, we'll show you round the place.

That'll do for this week! Thank you G.E. for your extensive replies and your excellent work. And your great taste. The Ramones rule. Next week, we'll be back with another installment in our quest for the ultimate illustrated FML. In the meantime, enjoy the beginning of the third world war that seems to be taking place at the moment, check out some horrible people getting their comeuppance, and be excellent to each other. See ya!

And how about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email on [email protected], not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your work.

#1546 - Illustrated FML - On 10/02/2015 at 4:34am by Alan - 6 comments

Kim Chaing's Illustrated FML

Last week it was Auntie Bernie’s explosive return, with her grenade-like advice. We’re returning to normal programming this week, with something softer, namely a very cute illustration. It will be like this from now on, one Friday per month will be booked for Auntie Bernie to do her thing, with other Fridays set as usual. It’ll allow me to take a break, and rummage the net looking for new artists to offer you on here. Well, anyway, how are you guys? Here in the FML offices, we can feel the autumn cold coming on, to the point where we’ve put on our sweaters and Peruvian hats. It's so depressing, I’ve resorted to trying to cheer myself up by pigging out on chocolate stuff and going to chat with the girl who works at the baker’s across the street, because I have a huge crush on her. Will she know one day? Who knows. Come on, let's go check out the artist of the week, with sun in our hearts and a smile on our arses.


"I'm terrified of heights. Which doesn't stop me from living on the 14th floor of an apartment building, surprisingly."

Self portrait Kim by Salayanara

Kim is also called Salayanara. It’s hard to say out loud, or type without looking at an example, so I'll call her Kim. Because I'm lazy.

Her info:
Age: 39
Location: Paris
Website: Her blog
Her illustrated VDM: The one with the coconut

We're venturing into the wonderful world of Kim. Let's talk directly to her. She sent us a mail in the middle of July, when it was hot and we were sweating profusely in our boxer shorts (well I was, I don't know if Kim wears boxer shorts) and I could straight away feel her determination to feature on FML. I had a look at her blog, I threw my hands up in the air I shrieked my shriek of joy: "SPLISH SPLASH I WAS TAKING A BATH!" So she started creating her artwork, after we agreed on the story she was going illustrate. Well, I'm not going to explain how it all works. If you're an illustrator and you want to know how all this happens, write to the address below and take part.

So, what does Kim for a living? "Currently I'm looking for a job as graphic designer / web designer, having worked for almost 9 years in a video games company. Meanwhile, I take care of my little boy who is eight months old, I play video games, and of course I draw! " Yes, so you do nothing, you lounge around, says the right-wing side of my brain. "It's easy to find work," it says. "There's jobs everywhere, you just have to look." OK, I'll return to reality. If professionals are in the area and want to offer her a job because they like her works, they shouldn't hesitate to contact her! 

What do you like about this job? "I like to be able to do a bit of everything, even though drawing is mostly a hobby for me. What I miss, however, is time! You know, taking care for a baby full time isn't easy, even though I love my little fella! Luckily, I still manage to draw between two diaper changes." Is there something missing that would make you happy? "Oh, what I miss is a built-in fan for my graphics tablet. When it's hot, and that was especially true this summer, I can no longer draw, otherwise I run the risk of ending up baked by the heat of my gear. Yep, we all our problems." I guess it could be good for fried eggs, or shrimp 'a la plancha', right?

Tell us your news! "I've only just took up comics again, the last time I did them was in college, that's how it long ago it dates! I'm currently taking part in a comics contest, it's the first time you can read a story of which I'm the author on the net because this is my first finished project. When I think of it, I'm a little moved." The story is here, in French though. Yeah, in college I spent my time boozing and playing  "Wonderwall" on the guitar to try to impress Maïder A., ??a brown-eyed Basque girl who had dark eyes and... Maïder, if you read this, know that... no, nothing.

Where do you come from, school-wise and studies and all that? "A literary diploma in my pocket, I then studied visual arts at the Paris 8 University, because I couldn't go to a cartoon school (too expensive and too far away). I then turned away from the artistic career path, working in customer service, before moving to a famous publisher of video games, then giving in my resignation last year to try my luck in an area that I feel most at home: webdesign." That's beautiful, giving up everything to get started in pursuit of her passion. I tell myself that one day I would like to give up everything to open a fishing store or a bar full of whores, but I have to find financing first.

What are your plans, because you have recently changed your plans? "For a start, find work, because I must! And then do more comics. I have tons of projects that ended up gathering dust over the years, and I want them to see the light of day for real." Indeed, getting job is the first step. As I said above, if an artistic director or a professional person likes what they sees, they shouldn't hesitate to go through us, or contact her directly. At VDM, we like to make people happy! We're not necessarily about rotten stories.

What is your inspiration, is there someone, event or something that made you want to start drawing? "I was about 4 or 5 years old when I wanted to make drawings in a more concrete way: I was at a friend of my parents' at the time, and I saw two big girls, a dozen years old, draw in a corner. I was so overwhelmed by what they were doing, it made me want to do the same. Ever since I've never stopped drawing, even if I've not made a career out of it yet." Ah but it will happen! I wish I could be a musician, but I'm far from the musical talent you are at drawing. I try, I sometimes play in concert with a small band, but hey, I'm not as technically proficient as I should be. There's no reason that your talent doesn't turn into petro-dollars soon.

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life? "Video games are my second passion, I've played ever since I was a kid. Even though in recent years I've played less, I remain attached to certain MMORPGs like World of Warcraft or Ragnarok Online, Otherwise I love cooking, and as I like to eat well, the two belong together, haha." I share the latter passion, but in terms of cooking, it's catastrophic. So I'll invite myself over to set myself down at the table, okay? Because, well, that I do know how to do, turning up to stuff myself, empty the bar and run off. And your latest favourites in film, music, books, TV series and / or comics? Stuff to recommend us? "I'm not a film buff, and indeed outside my PC, I'm not into either screens, however I'm obviously a fan of comics and manga. My big current fave is "Bride Stories" by Kaoru Mori." Well, not much going on then, eh? So I'll say I saw Morrissey in Paris. That's all. And it appears that a girl released an album called "Poparoïd". POPAROÏD! Preposterous. 

Well, and what's the most FML thing that happened to you? "Ah well some time ago I read an FML that happened exactly the same to me as the author, I had used mouthwash without diluting the product as shown in the leaflet, I shed tears before realising that I should have read it better. Besides that, my life is unfortunately not as thrilling to the point of making an FML out of it (and I tried)." I admit that events rarely happen where I've thought, "Hey, that would make a good FML," and yet I work here. That may be why, fear of rejection.

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? "Big question! I would say that for beginners, it's best to start by learning the basics. When we start, maybe we tempted to reproduce the drawings of an artist we admire (I started like that too) except that we don't always learn very well in this way, and that quickly ends up reaching its limits. Not to mention it also runs the risk of repeating the mistakes of the artist that you're copy. Now this is a bit daunting and not very sexy, drawing from actual models to understand the structure of objects, and shapes and observe and learn the theory from books or tutorials, this is the best school for me. And of course, draw every day, if that's for 5 minutes, no matter what you draw. But most important, it's still the motivation and discipline. Without that, there's no progress."

OK, let's fold up our sketchbooks for this week! Kim, thank you for letting us feast on your talent and your patience. Next week, we get the daughter of the King's henchmen. But before that, we will have a fun weekend celebrating Natacha's birthday (no, not the flight attendant, the other one) and then we will dance to funky-ass music to forget death and we will meet up again within a week. OK? If possible, call your parents. Do it now, believe me. Be excellent to each other and don't be a cunt.

And what about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email on [email protected], not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your work.

#1545 - Illustrated FML - On 09/25/2015 at 11:02am by Alan - 5 comments

The Best of the Worst #18

September! The summer is over, everyone has forgotten about their vacations, so to boost morale, we're delving once more into the nooks and crannies of the FML postbag, to check out the stuff that never would've been published, not for love or money. This column is so popular, it's bigger than… Hey, that was John Lennon's line. Anyway, let's get on with it.

For the people who have never seen this column before: we get sent heaps of FMLs, each day, every day. We only publish a small amount, due to the fact that a lot have been seen before, or are simply too boring. But we also get sent really weird shit, and that's what we post here. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to us. Check this month's selection out.


Today, I realized how much i poo when i dont have school this is my 7th time pooping FML

Class dismissed

NO one is there in the classroom and I’m Daddy are the don’t so show off their own project management of ill send a message for my I was going TO be afraid that what you have a bed like the number I’m thinking of ill give you a million dollars in the classroom

Do you like worms?

Today, things got freaky with my girlfriend, no not freaky bed freaky. Freaky as in she tried shoving worms up my anus. FML

Oh, and by the way…

I’m a broke ass N***A. It took me sex fucking months to make $1500. I bought a $1500 car cash from some HOOD RAT off craigslist…. i drove it to work…6 hours later it DIED. THE PIECE OF SHIT GAVE OUT AFTER 6 HOURS…. and the mechanics don’t know whats wrong with it. my girl bit my dick off. FML


my friend just voomed into my google screen, i have an hp laptop fml.

The crying game

Today I fell on A stomp and hit my head on the Punic table in front of middle schoolers so I cried


my toddler shat on my face it sprfayed everywherethen it passed jizz. i then left my house and got ran ovcer by my brotrher he then got a glock 16 and shot me in both balls . FML

No warnings

You see, I sometimes like to dress up like a bafoon on random occasions and I give no warnings, and so, my family had some friends over, that some I thought were cute. I dressed up like a black lady with terrible makeup, in a choir outfit. Then turned on the lights. They don’t look at me the same.


Today, the saliva that dried at the side of my mouth formed into a penis. FML


Today, i performed annul on a squrriel


That's it for this month. We'll be back in October some time with a some more weird-ass FMLs, because there's plenty more in the vaults. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very start, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird FMLs to try and get them published here, it won't work. Take care!


Bonus track: An important question.

Who is that guy?

Today, who the fuck is Charles. FML

#1544 - About FMyLife - On 09/21/2015 at 5:21am by Alan - 53 comments

Auntie Bernie's Monthly Advice #1

Hi there, young people! I'm back for the first installment of the monthly version of my no-bullshit advice column. You young people certainly have too much time on your hands, judging by the amount of dross you've sent me. Yes, I've ready your puny little messages, and boy, am I miserable now. But never fear, I'm here to cure you through the power of straight-talking, no-nonsense words of wisdom. I'm a bit like Gandhi, doling out simple philosophical nuggets to an ungrateful world. Anyway, time for me to strap on a pencil, and get started on this week's selection of questions.

The basic idea: At the beginning of the summer, I asked those of you with trouble and strife in their life to write in so that I could give you advice. My advice is based on a very simple method, revolving around me getting slightly drunk on whisky and shouting at what I'm reading. The mind boggles at the amount of pity parties you people throw yourselves. Get up off the floor, do something positive about your lives, everybody walk the dinosaur. At least you've not sunk to the level of people who believe in Feng Shui or homeopathy, or other alternative bullcrap. You're here for some stern words and a good talking to. Good.

(The tinfoil based therapies are very popular amongst chemtrail-believing nutjobs)

So, I've poured through your messages. Yes, I also got a few "oh look, I'm so funny-type messages. Just check out the guy who is featured in picture part of this article. But other than them twits, I found a few subjects to have a crack at, and I've written out my replies, hoping I'll be able to help. Please bear in mind that everyone featured on this page is a willing participant, and knows what they are getting into.

How to do it

Our first question of the week is from XBurytheCastleX :

"Dear aunt Bernie, I am a lesbian and my girlfriend and I have been together for almost 8 months. I'm not sure how to proceed with sex. I've done research etc etc and I can't figure out what to do. Please help??"

Interesting question. I used to be involved in a threesome with two cheerleaders in Texas. I can't say which ones for legal reasons, or even confirm or deny that it actually happened, but let's just say I was hoisted in the air several times that night. I'd never been with a woman in the Biblical sense (even though the Bible seems to frown upon people having fun in that way), but that night was a revelation. Yes, that's a Bible pun. So if I could learn in a night how to scissor with two supple, sporty Texan girls, how come you can't work it out after 8 months? Are you what parents call "special"? It's not really that hard, you just have to go with the flow. Unless she's demanding really weird stuff, like… Let's not go into that right now. I mean, you do know what the female body likes, seeing as you've got one yourself. Just do to her what you like having done to you. It's not rocket surgery. Jeez, do you want me to show you how to finger a bowling ball as well?


warrenhoward42 needs advice about a girl:

"So there's this girl, I'd rip a star out of the sky for her if I could, we talk every day but I can't seem to figure out if she feels the same way about me as I do her. I have gone down this road twice before, but this time she's acting way more involved with me. Thoughts? Advice??"

Anyone who starts a sentence with "So..." is already in my bad books! What is wrong with you people? Are you trying to sound like crap stand-up comedians? "Sooooo, what's the deal with airline food?" I'll let that slide for now, but then you say you want to rip a star out of the sky for some broad, and I'm not really happy about that. I get the tacky sentimentality behind the statement, but come on. What's she going to do with a luminous sphere of plasma held together by its own gravity? If you ripped the Sun out of the sky, everything on the planet would die. Is that what you want? To make everyone die? You vicious bastard. Anyway, you can't figure out if she'd commit mass genocide for you too, and that's a shame. But it also one of the toughest things to work out, along with the whereabouts of the TV remote. The best way to find out is just say what you feel. There's no point dilly dallying around, waiting for her to make the first move. Just get on with it. Ask her out. She'll always find a way of making things clear, ie. saying "As friends... right?" If she doesn't, suggest going back to your place to have some hot chocolate and watch Ghostbusters 2 on VHS. That line always works on me. Then you'll know.

Is this thing on?

Another long question, this time from TallMist:

"OK, first, I just want to say I'm not exactly sure if this is where I should send in my message. I'm just going to try it out anyways and hope for the best. Anyways, I had this friend of many years. I considered him one of my best friends. One of my only ones, no less. He was a fantastic friend. We'd always laugh together, watch movies on Netflix, he'd support me and, the few times he'd tell me about his problems, I'd support him. Or, I try to, anyways. But one thing he couldn't just support me on was the idea of gay marriage. See, I'm bisexual as well as transgender. And, despite my friend being a Mormon, he said he was completely accepting of the LGBT and supportive of gay marriage. But then a few months later, we watched a movie on Netflix about the LGBT and he said how he was beginning to be uncertain of his support. This is when things were getting shaky. This is also during a time period where NONE of my other few friends were talking to me, so I considered him my only friend at the time. Keep in mind we were only pen pals, though that didn't stop us from being close friends. We pretty much knew most things about each other. Anyways, he told me that, by Friday that week, or I believe it was Friday, that he wasn't sure if he'd be able to support the idea of gay marriage. So we got into a little fight about how on Earth his church could convince him that love was wrong, that God would be against love, him telling me how I should respect his beliefs, etc. And, while I wound up apologizing, I got depressed. He knew I only had him. I told him before how everyone else cut contact with me. Yet, he'd still refuse to apologize for telling his friend, who had no other friends, that she shouldn't be allowed to get married. So I got depressed for a few days. Who wouldn't? I've got no one as a friend except someone telling me that my love was weaker than everyone else's and shouldn't be allowed. And he eventually told me he had enough and that once I was stronger and not as depressed, he'd talk to me again. So, my last friend just cut off all ties with me. I tried Skyping him, e-mailing him, etc. trying to talk to him again, but he'd refuse to ever reply. And he still is, after I got some of my other friends back, apologized for anything mean I may have said or anything that may have offended him, told him I'd talk with the LDS, which he has been trying to get me to do for so long, even crossing my own line and telling him I'd be willing to agree to disagree on the matter, which he has been asking me to do. A week or two later, I even told him how I wasn't depressed anymore over anything, which was true. I have met literally all of his conditions and even went beyond them to get him to talk to me again AND MORE and he STILL isn't talking to me. I've told him I was done with him and he can talk with me when he decides he wants to keep his promise, acting like I was really, truly detached from him now, but the thing is? I still miss him. So much. It saddens me how easy it was for him to throw our friendship away, even willing to cross HIS line and lie about talking to me again just so he wouldn't talk to me. I got no idea how to go about this. Should I just wait around and hope for him to talk to me? Should I try contacting him again?"


Mr Perfect

A classic from Kneejerker

"How do I get over a girlfriend that broke it off through text??"

Stop thinking about her, you idiot. Someone who breaks up with you via SMS is mean and isn't a very brave person. I'm guessing that you feel the itch to send her a message, whether an insult, or a message begging her to get back together. But you're only doing this to get a reaction, good or bad. Don't do it. The best policy is to grow a pair of gonads and respect yourself. Ignore her. Tell her to fuck off if you meet her in the street. Poison her plants. Call her parents to tell them that she deals drugs out the back of her car. Only kidding. Delete her number. Eat your feelings, gain 30 pounds like I did when I broke up with Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead. Pretend that she's dead. She might as well be dead, go on, imagine that she is. In a few months, or maybe years depending on how long you were together, you'll have moved on. But don't be a twunt and send her begging or insulting messages, it's the worst thing you could do. Otherwise I'll come round and belt you round the earhole, got it?

The Graduate

Last question from Novadi, who is feeling neighbourly

"Hi Auntie! I'm a 17 year old going into my second year of college. I really want to major in Astrophysics, but my dad is trying to force me into a medical program. Is there anything I can do to be supported financially and still get the future I want? Thank you!?"

You're old enough to make your decisions, young person. Parents can be a real pain in the backside sometimes. They think they know what's best for you, but they don't. Most of their advice is based on bad decisions they made in the past. They say they want the best for you, but sometimes their opinion of what's best is just that, an opinion. It doesn't make it fact. So tell your dad to shove his medical career up his ass, he'll have to get free Vicodin from someone else. As for financial support, if your parents are paying for everything, that's great, but it still doesn't mean they get to decide what's best and plan out your whole life. If they're not, well, get a job, wash cars, spin round a pole, make dresses for cats. There's a wealth of opportunity out there, so just get on with it and tell dad to fuck off, otherwise you'll fuck his shit up.

There, that'll do for this month. As I've said, if you wrote to me and you're a bit saddened to see that you weren't featured in this month's column, don't despair! You might appear next month. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message in the comments under the article. 

Who are you? Who who?

This is last part of the column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to pretty people (when in doubt: reverse image search on Google) and who lie and claim "Yes, that's me in the photo!", I'm talking about the people who are brave (or stupid) enough to put their real face on FML, and who have agreed to appear here.

This week, we're taking a look at notcarwyn. This person has sort of agreed to be here. I'm actually getting some revenge because he sent me a message that said "Repeatedly spamming the fuck button so I'm fucking Auntie Bernie." Charming, right? He added underneath, "Please don't put this in the article." Too late. That sort of thing gets an automatic black spot in my list of rude people, so I put his picture up, for a laugh. He probably shouldn't be on FML, he looks about 12. Nice bathroom tiles, though. And what the hell is he wearing? What is that, a sweater, a t-shirt? The colors are all over place. Too much green. And wind your eyebrows in, son. At least he's not staring at himself in his phone. Can't stand pictures of people in front of a mirror staring into their phone. But still, he's looking harmless enough, and definitely gormless. Do people at school beat you up a lot? Can I beat you up? Stop smirking!

That's my second column over with. I hope you don't mind if I leave you in peace now, it's time for my medication. Don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young people everywhere.

Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf

#1543 - About FMyLife - On 09/18/2015 at 9:45am by Auntie Bernie - 30 comments