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Bramblelady's illustrated FML

It's Friday, it's time to partay with the illuminatay! It is finally time to kick off my high heels and tear off my dress suit, but first we’re going to the weekly meeting where we’ll be introduced to the FML artist of the week. Everything will go according to plan, and everyone will be in a great mood, partly due to the fact that we’ll be stuffing our faces with Pringles and Jack Daniel’s. I mention these two brands specifically, hoping that this deliberate and free publicity will get me the honour of receiving a delivery of a whole range of their delicious products. It would be really nice of them. Anyway, let’s get on with the show!

BRAMBLELADY'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"As soon as I go outside, I'm always imagining the worst disasters that could happen to me, the slightest little insult, a kidnapping, or a spontaneous combustion."

Self-portrait Bramblelady by Elise
 


This week, we’re back in the fabulous world of Manga. This time, we’re guided by a young girl, whose youth makes me grumpy.

Her info:
Age: 16
Location: "In Annonay. Which means nothing to you, so Lyon, France."
Website: Her blog
Her illustrated FML: The one about the pregnancy


Bramblelady is as I said an illustrator from the younger end of the age spectrum. But her talent is already beyond her years, and wide enough for anyone, as you can see. She comes from the Lyon region in France, and she had contacted us via a simple email a few weeks ago, and here we are in the future, discovering who she is, what she likes, and why she does what she does. Because that's the goal of this part of FML, discovering the artists and allowing them to express their pain, their doubts, their pleasures. We are here to get acquainted, much like dogs sniffing their asses at the dog park, but in a little more civilised fashion.

So who is she? What does she want ? "I'm in my final year of high school, and in fear of the baccalaureate at the end of the year (the french high school diploma), because I’m scared of failing it... But don’t go thinking I’m a pessimist, I’m a very optimistic person!” With such a positive attitude, you must love your life? "I love to draw, but mostly creating small comics; what I enjoy most without a doubt is seeing someone laugh or smile looking at what I’ve created. I like humour and I think that in this sometimes sad world, we could all do with some from time to time, more than we think.” I totally agree. You can tell a society has got a morale problem by checking the amount of successful comedy shows there are. Well, unfortunately, at the moment, people are going out in droves to see absolute shit like Dane Cook and Larry the Cable Guy, so things must be bad out there.

You're still young, so your school days must be quick enough to describe I suppose? "As I said, I’m in my final year of high school. Next year I want to integrate an art school or perhaps go to Belgium to go to a comics school." It's a great idea, you must pursue this path. We must follow our dreams, unless our dreams are the same as Charles Manson’s.

Do you have a news to tell us about? "Not much. Work, work and more work. After all, in the my year at high school, it's no wonder. I always try to find moments to draw, but I never take much time to fully apply myself and I sometimes find myself with a great idea but a... less than great end product." Sometimes, the funniest cartoons aren’t the most technically proficient, but it’s the idea behind that gets the laughs and which matters the most. The story does everything, and if the two can be combined, it’s even better! In any case, we hope she makes it.

Do you have any other projects, besides the diploma at the end of the year? "Unfortunately, way too many. Designing a cartoon from start to finish, doing sculptures, paintings, animations... I don’t know where to start!" I wouldn’t be worried, it’s rather a good thing to have a whole bunch of projects. The opposite would be sad. Empty, a low point, a desert. Enjoy yourself!

Is there someone, someone or something that made you want to draw? "As a child, I admired my mother, who draws exceptionally well, I wanted to draw as well as she did! Both on my father's side and my mother's side artists were present, which pushed me into this path. And I don’t regret it."

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life? "After a long day in the rain and collapsing from all the work, I like to go back home, make myself a hot chocolate, wrap myself in a blanket and spend hours scrolling through Tumblr, watching a good series, drawing for a while or playing my 3DS. A hermit's life in short. But I never get bored of it! " That's understandable, I'm a bit like that. After a long day moderating FMLs and dealing with its users, I like to open up a bottle of wine, empty it down my gullet and lie down in a warm gutter. Speaking of work, you have to be comfortable to work properly. Where do you like to be? "In my bed. It's a little weird, but before you ask, yes, I have an office like everyone else. I was climbing the ladder with my pencil case, some sheets of paper, a book as a support and my headphones, I get right nice and comfortable in my bed and I start. The inspiration for my drawings and comics often comes to me before going to bed very late and this is where all my ideas come together. But it's true that losing pencils and pens under the duvet turns this moment of relaxation into a real headache."

Any artists that have blogs you can tell us about, how we can find them and give them a little shout out? "I love piratesourcil for his outlandish comics and unexpected twists, the rest of my favourite artists are on DeviantArt and they are too many to name!" DeviantArt, this endless rabbit hole! We care leave our readers to go to your page and then find out for themselves.

A personal FML at your young age, is that even possible? "Today, a girl who I befriended during an activity invited me to take one of her two headphones to listening to music with her. She started the music all happy, then frowned at me with disdain and said, "Damn, you took the one that works.” Hey, you know what, that one could actually have been posted on FML if you’d submitted it. What a shitty person that girl was. I’m sure she was listening to shitty music as well.

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? "Above all draw what you want. That may seem like quite corny advice but I know it’s not easy to draw while being watched by others, so draw what you really want to express, draw what your imagination brings you, draw everything and anything, our delusions, our desires, our ideas... The important thing is to draw primarily what makes us happy." This is very good advice. That's why I only drew swastikas and tits.

OK, that’ll do for now. Thanks Elise/Bramblelady for participation and patience, because I'm annoying with all my requests for corrections, and I must also thank my parents, my agent, my lawyers, Cole Porter for the songs… Next week we’ll be welcoming a blind Moroccan artist who paints with his toe. Perhaps. I leave you with a damn good song and cat cuddles, because it's the weekend! Hugs.

And how about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated VDM? Send us an email on [email protected] not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1554 - Illustrated FML - On 11/12/2015 at 8:57am by Alan - 3 comments

S-Kro's illustrated FML

Hello again you old so and sos, you old muckedy mucks. D’you all put your woolly hats on to go to the drugstore to buy bags of vitamin C this week? Yes, it’s getting ugly out there. The weather is ripe for colds, which in turns us all into bitching biatches. We all want to give up work, and instead settle on a sofa with a snoring cat and watch all the TV shows that are filled with beautiful and brilliant people who never get sick and have super interesting lives, unlike our own. As it happens, this week we’re looking at the mundane things in life, events and gadgets of everyday occurrences, and how they work. Intrigued by the formation of clouds? Here's the place to be.

S-KRO'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"No one can come near my eyes with a pointy object or their fingers, it is not not a good idea! My last ophthalmologist still remembers me."

Self-portrait S-Kro by S-Kro
 


This week is the start of a long love story, or friendship. We still not sure which. This is a new series we’re trying out with S-Kro, who explains all things scientific in an easy to understand way.

His info:
Age: "35 according to my arteries, 17 according to my maturity."
Location: Internet
Website : His blog and his Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one with the flash


We do not know S-Kro’s real name. I think it's a pun, but I'm not sure. I ran into him during a conversation on Facebook, and I offered him to come and do something for us on FML and he agreed. He not only accepted, but he has also done several excellent illustrations, which we will progressively post these coming months! All have a common thread: the scientific explanation of the world around us, and in our case, an application to the stories contained on VDM. The idea is launched with an explanation of speed cameras and the way they work, which is so annoying for distracted or reckless motorists drivers. Yes, you know who you are. We've all been there. They speed is limited to 50 but without paying attention, we’ve ended up doing 110, the windows wide open, playing hardcore techno... Or is that just me?

Who is behind this nickname then, and what does he do? "Analyse things to solve stuff and give advice that in the end no one will pay any attention to.” I don’t know why, I immediately had in mind the image of a hamster on its wheel, constantly turning, going nowhere… And what does he need in life? “Drawing classes, but people will have quickly noticed that.” Erm, no, not particularly. Too modest, mate!

What do you enjoy in all of this? "In drawing, the feeling of creating stories and worlds is quite exhilarating, the sensation of leaving a trace at the bottom of humanity’s underpants. The creative process, which some psychoanalysts think allows us to fight against the anxiety of human beings confronting death and... well... it’s getting boring now, isn’t it?" Oh no no, not at all!

Where did you go to school and learn all this stuff? "I did my schooling quietly, maybe a bit too quietly. I worked just enough to get to the next level. If I’d had teachers (maths and science in particular) that had given me a taste for science, I would’ve been working in different areas. Let’s just say that my comics and my research have helped me catch up for lost time." We really need people who are able to explain things as clearly, these comics are a public service!

What are your plans? “Getting my comics “Clever things explained by an idiot” published. I’m also taking part in the fanzines belonging to my buddies Pinworms, Reuketeupeuh, El Guapo or Egoscopic, it’s a good laugh.” This is a great idea, getting the comics published, they’re really good. I especially liked the one about the guy growing a beard and getting asked if he was a hipster or a terrorist or dirty or any of that bullshit that I had to put up with last year when I started growing a beard out of sheer boredom. I went through exactly the same thing. So thanks!

What are your inspirations, is there someone, an event or something that made you want to get into illustration? "From my great grandfather to my father, I have always seen people draw or paint, I don’t think it helps to have a normal life and it explains a lot." And do you have heroes in life? "In the sense of exemplary characters, I would say guys like Nikola Tesla, Richard Feynman or as Stephen Hawking, but he’s crap at basketball." Claaaaaassy!

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life. "My hobby is drawing, reading boring stuff and less boring stuff, my friends, my sweetheart ... and farting in my bath." Ah, taking a bath. I miss that. I only have a shower at home. How lucky. Uh, well, yes, and how about your taste in music, books and comics, what you do you love right now? "If I had to keep a book, only one, it would be “A short history of nearly everything" by Bill Bryson. For comics, I read so much that it's hard to make a choice, especially since there's some of my friends in the comics, if I forget any of them, they’ll sulk." Yes, you’d better not then. But even so, let’s try to see if there are some artists whose blogs you check out regularly, just in case. So? "I don’t have time to visit blogs, there’s too many. But the artists who influenced me the most would be Maester and the late Coyote. I love Mo CDM, Eric Powell, Scott McFarlane too, to name but a few, the list would be very long otherwise."

A personal FML perhaps? "Once I was with a buddy and there was this girl I wanted to hook up with. I don’t know why but on TV there was a report about the lack of space in apartments when you’re in a wheelchair. I had this very drunken guy observation  and I said something like: "I don’t see what the problem is, if you fold them up with the chair, that won’t take up much space." She stood up and left the room and then I learned that her father was in a wheelchair..." My theory is that the way to test future-ex partners to see if it’ll work out is their potential to warm to our shitty sense of humour. She, sadly, didn’t make the cut. You didn’t miss out on anything.

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? "Don’t do it, you poor unfortunate soul!”

Right, that will do for this week! Thanks S-Kro thanks for participating, and it’s a special thanks because it’s a long term affair. We’ll see him again in about a month with another illustration. I can’t tell you what week it will be, so it’ll be a surprise. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a startled cat and a cat being rubbed with a leek. See you next week!

How about you? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated VDM? Send us an email on [email protected], not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1553 - Illustrated FML - On 11/06/2015 at 5:23am by Alan - 0 comments

FML's Question Time #5 : Halloween - seen a ghost?

The competition is OVER! We have a winner!

We read though your stories and agreed that RoseBudx's tale was the most worthy of winning an FML book. It was well written, quite the yarn. So she'll be receiving her copy as soon as we can send it to her.

Thanks to everyone for taking part, we hope you had a great Halloween.

--------------------------------

Halloween might be the agoraphobic pedophile's favourite night, but here on FML we're less enthusiastic. It's Halloween this 31st of October, and it's a Saturday. That means a lot of kids will be out ringing doorbells, slinging shit at porches and whining if you don't give them sugar-coated spiders. As you can see, we're not getting into the spirit of things. So, instead of being miserable bastards, we thought that we'd get really involed. You see, this part of FML is all about asking you lot a simple question, and letting you get on with it. It sparks a debate, an exchange of ideas, and sometimes an exchange of bodily fluids. No, not really. Although we can live in hope, eh? Anyway, lets get down to the nitty-gritty of scaring the life out of each other. You might even win something this time.

To sum up the idea behind this column:  we ask you a question every month or so, and all you'll have to do is give your opinion, back it up with stories or something you overheard while getting your tyres changed by a guy with a mullet. What we are looking for are debates, exchanges and comments. There are no limits, feel free to express yourselves and get stuck in.

This time around: 


Are ghosts real, or is it all a load of ectoplasm?
Tell us about your encounters with the spirit world.

 


The question, if it isn't that clear, is to determine whether Halloween and all the idea of ghosts, monsters and ghouls is all a figment of our imagination, or is it based in fact. A lot of these celebrations and holidays are purely commercial. It's all about the money with these things. Valentine's Day, Chrismas, Ebola... So, do you reckon all of this is true? Are ghosts real? Have you seen one? Tell us your story. 

This month, to spice things up, we're adding a prize for the best story told!

The best story wins an FML book (the winner will be evaluated on the amount of thumbs up + our totally arbitrary judgement). Tell us your scariest story. But it has to be true. Or true-ish. Make us shiver. We need to be able to tell other people at midnight on Saturday night, on Halloween nights for years to come, the tales of your encounters with the ghost of the guy who was murdered in your house, the tale of the ancient burial ground underneath your bed. You know the sort of thing. The best story will be sent a book, to celebrate the fact that you spun quite the yarn!



 

Like the times we did this before, to start you off, we've asked a few people what they thought about the whole thing. 

"Halloween is the only day of the year I can leave my apartment building and not be too worried I'll be mobbed by fans, because they're all wearing my crash helmet and skirt." - Darth Vador

"Halloween is just another example of the way the patriarchy is trying to impose onto women its vision of a male dominated society, I mean, come on, the movie is called The Mommy, helloooo, it's in the name, like, moms are evil, hey, where are you going, come back, I need a cup of salt." - My next-door neighbour, the sociology student

"Halloween ? I love Halloween, I get to dress up in crazy clothes. One day in the year when I just don't give a shit. I saw a ghost once, it was dancing across the ceiling, I'm guessing it was Lionel Richie, but he isn't dead so fuck knows." - Nicki Minaj


There, you get the idea. 

Don't hesistate to tell us all about the ghostly stories you've lived, the Halloween parties you've organised, or the ones you've thrown up at, your besti disguises… we'll take anything you can throw at us!

Right, time to let your opinions and experience loose. Work can wait 'til Monday, procrastinate a little.

#1552 - About FMyLife - On 10/30/2015 at 1:23am by Alan - 123 comments

The Best of the Worst #19

And we're back in October! The clocks have changed for some of us, nights are longer and earlier and our vitamin D levels are dangerously low. What we needed was of shot in the arm of some more weird FMLs, because seasonal affective disorder is due for a comeback any time soon. We've thus trawled through the FML postbag for more strange stuff to give you guys. Here's this month's selection.

For the people who have never seen this column before: we get sent heaps of FMLs, each day, every day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are similar to previous FMLs, or are simply too shitty. But we also get sent really weird stories, if you can call them that, and that's what we post here. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to us. Check this month's selection, booyakasha.
 

Willy Wanker 

Today,my husbband was walking down the street with his hand completely covered in melted chocolate,licking it licking it like a bafoon.

Love and marriage

so its d worst bday i ever had shudve spent it wid frendz! so my hubby promisd hell take me shopping & hell spend more tym wid me so we went out of town i waited 4 him 2 make a move(or maybe i xpected 2 much) / waited 4 him 2 surprise me. i was so pissed coz he spent 3 days gamblin &i got nuthn
 

Bubbles

Today, my little brothers goldfish died and just so happens today i also have the nastty bubbly poops, well no one told me it was in the toilet while i let loose. it looked like a proper burial to me.
 

Mother's Day

Today I was caught by mother while masturbating she was curiose so she rubbed the tip with her toes I enjoyed it
 

Snuggles

Today, as I was walking down the street I saw a man walking towards me with a pram he dropped a bottle so I kindly picked it up, he took this as an opportunity to pull off my strapless dress, exposing my bare ass and boobs he then shoved his baby at my boobs saying snuggle snuggle snuggle FML
 

Too black, too strong

Today,I got disqualified from a watermelon eating contest because im too black. I live in south Carolina over half the people in my neighborhood are black. FML
 

Causation or correlation?

Today, osama bin laden was killed, he deserves it but my psn account still doesent work. fml!
 

A real kick in the teeth

Today I got a dentition from my gym teacher for forgetting my gym gear FML
 

Glee

Today, my parents found out I was gay. How? I forgot to turn the fan on in the bathroom to conceal my singing in the shower. I repeatedly went, “OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ” and said in the gayest tone possible, “Ooo, your penis is marvelous.”
 

Up in smoke

Today, after a failed suicide attempt, i bought my first pack of cigarettes and smoked it all. FML

 

That's it for this month. We'll be back in late November for some more bizarre FMLs, because there's plenty more in our drawers. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. Take care!
 

 

Bonus track: Another important question.
 

Who is William?

Today, I cried about William being bald. I am a man who has plenty of hair. FWL

#1551 - About FMyLife - On 10/26/2015 at 11:15am by Alan - 60 comments

Quentin's illustrated FML

The wonderful world of the workplace in this section of FML couldn't have come at a better time. If you've been paying attention to what's been going on in the world, you'll know that things are going pretty badly. Strikes, shirts being ripped from company directors, people being laid off in their thousands. It's not the best time to be a boss or an employee. Here at FML, employees and bosses go on holiday together. The only time shirts are ripped off is when we are racing to jump in a swimming pool. This week, we're looking in a not so funky workplace situation. Follow us into the boardroom. 

QUENTIN'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"Do I have a phobia? Cheese, hahaha! I absolutely HATE the stuff!" 

Self-portrait Quentin by Quentin
 


This week, we’re back in France. And it's a dude talking to us! 

His info:
Age: 24
Location: Paris
Website: His blog
His illustrated FML: The one with the boss


Let’s be cost-effective for once. Well, me at least. Who is Quentin is, and what does he do? "I'm junior art director in communications agency." Hmmm, bad start. And what does he like about what he does? "I love the creative side of it. That's what amuses me all day, every day. My teachers at school wanted me to do political studies, I had the capabilities to do so, they said. Maybe I did, but I think I’d have been awfully bored by now. I love drawing for a project, it’s where I really feel at home. And that's what I miss at the same time, having more drawing time every day. " Political studies, brrrrr. Sorry, I often have this kind of reaction to anything political, it’s in my genes. Or my jeans, I’m not sure.

How did you end up here? What sort of background do you have? I’m originally from the French region of Alsace, but I left the area soon after graduating high school. I started higher education with an advertising diploma in Nancy, followed by a degree in creative advertising, still in Nancy. After which I had a year off from schools and universities of any sort. I did something else for a while, and I arrived in Paris in October 2014 to do a Masters in digital creation. I just finished the end of studies and I followed that up with a CSD at the moment." That's good stuff. At your age, I’d just finished primary school, but I was a late bloomer because I was an alcoholic and con. I still am, but hey, a drink’s a drink as the say in AA.

What’s your current news of the moment, right now, besides being on VDM? "I unveiled an animation theme a few months ago with a Parallel World theme. There are a characters from pop culture that everybody knows in it, who talk about their existential problems, so it's was a great experience, especially as I had the chance to meet an exceptional cast of actors for the overdubs! I met the "real" French voice (Terminator, Vegeta, or the Joker for exemple.) I want to thank all those great actors again for taking part. Without their contribution, this project would not have the charisma that it has today. A little more recently, my friend Cedric, already working on anime, we had another crack at working together for Carbon Kevlar (they signed the soundtrack of series for Canal+) and their Banshee clip. A totally crazy project, made reaaaaally quickly but of which we’re really pleased. This is a totally ironic video, with all the archetypes of an ego-trip clip, it’s a real caricature." And will it be on VH1 at 4am? My only real contact with music is via that medium.

And your plans, for now? “Right now, take a few days off haha! It's been nine months since I’ve been non stop on projects, sleeping 5 or 6 hours a night; I need to breathe. But I won’t be stopping long. I'll get another job if my contract is not extended or I’ll try the freelance adventure while freelancing (your orders please). I’ve got planned, still with Cedric, to do another animation, but we don’t know what yet, but it’s in the cards. I also made commitments with the people around me on various and varied projects, in short, I have a lot of things on the go!" Despite this, I will appeal to potential employers who would contact him. Don’t hesitate!

Tell us what you love about life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little everyday life pleasures. “Besides drawing, films, music and having restful little beers between friends, I love doing sports, it’s like a drug to me! I don’t feel so good when I don’t go regularly. I like motorbikes too, it's been a year since I got my license. But I’ve had little opportunity to ride for the moment. When I'm home in Alsace, I like gardening, it relaxes me. I love cooking too, because I like to eat, so it goes together. And I’m surely full of vices, but I’m not about to reveal them here haha!" Yes, sometimes it is good to have a secret garden, but you can tell us about your favorite artists, including those you follow via their blogs? "I have 6 masters in the drawing world: Kim Jung Gi, Adam Hughes, Adi Granov, Lee Bermejo, Ed McGuinness and Akira Toriyama The first is a god, there is no other term, I invite you to see that what he does is proper mind-boggling. The second draws beautiful and super-heroic women like no one else. The third has breathtaking precision and realism. The fourth is a virtuoso of the line, it's just gorgeous. The fifth, I love the cartoony and exuberant style, I learned a lot from his drawing, thanks to his way of creating his characters. The last one simply allowed me to draw properly. Dragon Ball Z was an inexhaustible source of topics to copy when I was younger, it helped me tremendously. And DBZ is a cult!"

What are your inspirations? Is there someone, event or something that made you want to start drawing? "My family tells me that as soon as I could hold a pencil, I drew (that is so cliché haha). I remember I liked it very quickly. In the family, on my mum’s side, “the drawing gene” so to speak, jumps a generation every time. My great-great grandfather was an artist, my grandmother too. I'm lucky to have got this gift in turn. It’s something valuable I think."

If you had to tell your own VDM, what would it be? "It was 2 years ago, I was in a nightclub with friends. We were attending an electro DJ-Set which was really pumping I must say. And in my enthusiasm, I jumped up and down, what the amount of crowd around me, except that there was a broken bottle on the ground. Despite a rather thick sole, I planted a shard in my foot, just behind the toes. I only realised it when I got home, and it was horrible over the next few days. I had a swollen foot and walk the wound was particularly painful!” Hmmmm, sounds a lot like, "I was too drunk to feel the pain that," well done!

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? "Probably to believe in his or her potential, because we are always in constant improvement. So must persevere and don’t let go."

I think that will do for this week! We warmly thank Quentin for his participation, it was great. We can all back to our regular lives, and enjoy the advent of winter by shivering in our boots, watching the days get shorter. Or move to Australia or something. Be excellent to each other and take care. 

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated VDM? Send us an email on [email protected], without forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1550 - Illustrated FML - On 10/22/2015 at 11:16am by Alan - 6 comments