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Illustrated FML (339) - About FMyLife (100) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Pictures (14) - Books (9) - Special guests (8) - Competitions (6)

Nathalie Jomard's illustrated FML

It's Friday, it's FML. It's illustrated FML time. How is everyone? We're on the last stretch to Christmas, which means a lot to some people, and absolutely nothing to others. Here at FML towers, we like the sparkly lights and shiny balls, and that's about it. Oh, and "Last Christmas" by Wham. Yep, that'll do. This weeks we're having a shorter illustrated FML than usual, it's a crossover thing due to a book being released in France. This week, we're having the illustrator who did the drawings that are in the book. Simple enough, huh?


"My hero? I'm torn between T’Choupi the penguin and Einstein's granny."

Self portrait Nathalie by Nathalie

This week is Nathalie is with us, also known as "Nathalie Jomard, Tata Nath, Official Jester of the self-proclaimed Republic of Grumeauland".

Her info:
Age: "A quarter to five before Kinder Bueno"
Location: "Grumeauland"
Website: Her blog
Her illustrated FML: The one with the paper

Nathalie is here to show us one of the many illustrations in our new (french) book. We will also introduce her a bit. “Basically, I am an author and illustrator. This means that, according to my Aunt Fernande’s definition, I spend my days drawing and playing around with Mickey Mouses and colouring things with water soluble Crayolas, instead of having a real serious business like insurance salesman for people with flat feet or orthopaedic surgeon. So, I illustrated albums and I write, I work for the press, in publishing and advertising. Incidentally, I’m also the Jester of the self-proclaimed Republic of Grumeauland since the year 2008 of the post-Pleistocene blogo-era. And when I'm bored and I want to cause the third world war on the world wide web, I post on my Facebook page funny and quite innocent drawings about light subjects like epidurals or breastfeeding (trivial but highly controversial subjects, with a fight guaranteed to break out between the pro and anti groups - in the age of 2.0, we entertain ourselves in any way we can). " Okay. If you want to go like the page of the republic in question, it’s here!

What do you like about what you do? "I like the idea of ??not having to sell insurance for people with flat feet. And if I had to complain about something, it would probably be a chronic shortage of capillary public duty amongst the Borneo urang-utans.”

What kind of path leads someone to illustrate a book for VDM (FML's french version)? "A high school diploma obtained after 265.8 years (too long to detail, I was on the verge of completing my studies at the age of retirement). But I have a Masters in International pencil sharpening, with a nap option in lecture theatres and a BA in freestyle scrawlings on political economy papers. After that, I decided that since I can’t be President of the Republic due to the fact that the function does not give any particular food benefits or holiday vouchers, I would just make drawings, so there! " So she finds herself with us today to illustrate voluntarily. When I asked her to select a picture from the ones in the book, she chose the one we published today by explaining that, “I have a crappy sense of humour :)" Luckily, so do we.

I'm not sure I dare ask what are your plans are... "Marrying Bruce Springsteen before he reaches a hundred centenary (if not, I'll just eat a custard pie in front of the weather)." I thought as much. Bruce has inspired generations of moistness.

What are your inspirations, is there someone, event or something that made you want to start drawing? "One day, I saw a painting by Caravaggio. I thought that since I'll never paint as well and with so much talent, I had to offer the world a new conception of art. And that’s how I became a world reference in the field of drawing cats butts." Looking through her blog and her many works that are now available for sale, we can see that cats are indeed in the spotlight. Although cats, by nature, don’t expect to be put in the spotlight. They put themselves in it. Cat bastards.

Who are the main artists that you like and whose blogs you check out frequently? “Does the Weather Channel website count?” Since their predictions sometimes give the impression that they were made by bug-eyed artists with huge imagination, I'll say yes.

Your news, if you have any? “Due to a subtle calendar coincidence, I’m doing this interview now, just as the book I illustrated for you has come out. I’m thus patting us on the back for such perfect timing and being so topical. For the rest, amongst other things, I’m currently working on my next album due out in the spring. After which I’ll probably sleep for a month to make up for all my sleepless nights I’m having at the moment. " If you want to come back in February to talk about it, and do another illustration for us while telling us all about the book, just give us a bell.

How come you ended up working on the VDM book? "One morning in June (which a 9 to 10-month margin of error, I have the memory of a goldfish), my editor wrote to tell me she had a nice project to offer.” And you refused it to do the VDM book instead? That’s so nice!

Your recent favorites in film, music, books, TV series and / or comics? "With the invaluable literary influence of Furax (my son), I can boast that I’ve read the complete works of T'Choupi (in its original version, no subtitles). Series and reading books. Making origami objects. But drawing remains my ultimate hobby!" This T'Choupi, I often hear about this guy. I don’t have children, so it remains unclear to me who he is, but often I hear people whispering his name, often in a context similar to “I’ve had enough of T'Choupi. T'Choupi this, T'Choupi that. Can’t wait for this to be over." Trotro is often mentioned in the same way, or worse. I even heard a mother say that Trotro was a "dirty junkie and I want him to die." It’s a mysterious world. It's easier to manage cats.

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life. "I looove not watching any TV shows (I mean, none at all), just for the pleasure of not knowing what people are talking about when they are talking about season 528 of 'The Walking desperate game of potatoes’.” That sounds like a fun game. I want to do that, the next time I find myself in the company of Game of Thrones fans.

If you had to tell us your own VDM,  the most VDM-esque thing that has happened to you, what would it be? "One day I was born ... and that's where the trouble started." I knew that joke, but it involved a priest, a rabbi and an Irishman.

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? "It's better than selling insurance to people with flat feet." That's certainly true. Although, insurers are ... though no, nothing, it's true, there's no comeback to that.

There, that's it for this week. Nathalie, thank you for your excellent illustrations for our new book. Next week we should be back to normal. Or will we? You never know. Until then, be excellent to each, have fun, and get me a new jacket for Christmas. Thanks!

How about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated VDM? Send us an email on [email protected], not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1561 - Illustrated FML - On 12/04/2015 at 8:24am by Alan - 3 comments

The Best of the Worst #20

Here we are in November! Winter is here, for most of us, it's dark, grey and depressing and if you're the kind of person who watches network news 24/7, you're probably going to need some cheering up. So, as it's almost time to start putting up the Christmas tree, or to complain about people who have put their Chistmas trees up too early, here's the welcome return of the monthly trawl through the FML postbag for more strange stuff to show you guys. Here's this month's selection.

For the people who have never seen this column before: we get sent heaps of FMLs, each day, every day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are copies of previous FMLs, or are simply too crap. But we also get sent really weird stories, if you can call them stories, and that's what we post here. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to us. Check this month's selection!

10:15 on a Saturday night 

Today, I was hearing what sounded like water dripping from somewhere, turns out wasn’t even water my bottle of RC didn’t close all the way


Today, i realized the governments controlling hurricane sandy through wheather control HAARP (proven) & they authorized martial law. im in PA, worst state for all wheather conditions. im fucked. this is for elections & depopulation. may be dead in 24-48, 72-144 hours. & flat broke. just greeat. FML!

Johnny Johnny ouuuh

Today, my mom raped me and when she did me she said oh johnny and that’s my dads name is jacoby when i said that she looked down at me and said your not johnny

Baby got back

Today, my friend had my phone I got it back on a porn site

Animal balloons

Today I had sex with a clown. When i woke up, my penis was twisted into a giraffe. FML


Today,my boss scolded me bcz I tried 2 correct him. My boss is a diploma holder,Im a degree. FML


Today, I saw my manager and she is just hot as fuck. I literally want to fuck her at work


just casually sitting, a small foreign man appears from behind me. Instead of asking or talking, he screams. DO YOU WANT COCK TONIGHT? i think i got spinach or something fucked on my face. My boss has since proceeded to call me prawnstetiute.


I like to sing French nusery-rhymes. Le Pont D'Avignon is a favorite of mine. So, while I was singing – quite loudly – with my friend in the park, I somehow managed to mess up “et puis encore comme ca” and say “et puis encore circumcision.” The Rabbi sitting next to us heard me. FML.


Today, my penis felt really awkward. It kind of itched and stung a little, all at the same time. I went to the doctor and they told me I had three days to live so I ate my own penis. Then I found out the doctors were just making a joke so I killed myself by chomping on my testicles. FML.

That's it for this month. We'll be back in the new year, or around New year's for some more bizarre FMLs, because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. Take care!


Bonus track: Another important message, which we should all enjoy for it's positivity.

Peace, Love and Harmony

Today, I farted on a cat it was nice

#1560 - About FMyLife - On 11/30/2015 at 6:12am by Alan - 59 comments

Céline's illustrated FML

Hi gang! It’s a day of national pride over near the FML offices. There's a time for everything, and even if the desire to piss about to release the tension is huge, we mustn’t forget that we can “laugh about anything, but not with everyone” (thanks Pierre Desproges). Then again, for other people, it’s Black Friday. People are having fistfights over TVs and BetaMax video recorders. In this sort of situation, the race is on to get the first joke in, much like when a celebrity passes away. Not so for the illustrated FML section. We have more class than that, although I'm always complaining that the girl who works in my local bakery still seems insensitive to my thinly-veiled unrequited love. So what does all this mean? "Rip it up and start again" said the Orange Juice song. So let’s try doing so with an untypically saucy illustration, because pleasure is the key.


"Is this a real question? Well… Mikado then. Those are really addictive. The big challenge? Getting all the chocolate off without breaking the biscuit stick."

Selfportrait C comme line by Céline

This week it’s C comme Line who’s along for the ride. This lady is rather mysterious because I do not know her age either. I say “either” with regards to our friend Mselle Risa from last week. So, we will imagine that she’s an old lady of 86 years young who loves pottery and bowling.

Her info:
Age: "Nice try!"
Location : Lyon, France
Site : Her blog
Her illustrated FML: The one that whacks

C comme Line is obviously a pseudonym. Her name is actually Céline. So I'll mix the two and call her C. for the remainder of the article. Just because it reminds me of my favourite drug (Coca Cola, of course).

Who is C., what does she do? "I'm A / A lion-tamer in a circus B / Art director - graphic designer / illustrator C / Oceanographer." Something tells me that the first one isn’t entirely true, unless like me she considers cats to be wild animals, and that changing their litter tray is a way to subjugate them by confiscating their droppings. Maybe not.

What do you like about what you do?  "The ability to reinvent everything with a pencil. Welcome to my life! What do I miss? Let’s see? A new drawing tablet, I’m thinking about starting a financing project on kisskissbanbang!" It's Christmas soon, don’t forget. Just ask nicely. No me though.

What’s your current news and stuff? "I have a lot of projects on the go, so I must answer your questionnaire in timely fashion.” OK OK! Let’s make it snappy! Your plans then? "There are so many... Start a stationery line, update my website, learn to play the guitar, find a publisher, clone myself in order to actually do all these projects..." I can give you guitar lessons if you like, especially if your goal is to learn the guitar solo from "Boredom" by the Buzzcocks (you must listen to the song to understand the pseudo-joke) but otherwise it’s better to ask someone a little more serious.

Your career so far? "After kindergarten, armed with a thinnish pencil... Oh, is that too far back? I had a fairly simple education path, applied arts and graphic communication school, entering the working world via communication agencies, and I founded a company, I had an agency for 12 wonderful years (hinting at my age there…) and we sold up. New professional life, 2.0." We’re beginning to have the idea of her age. When I asked her who her heroes were, C. said first that was "Carrie Bradshaw for her shoes!” This suggests that we must’ve watched the same TV shows. "No, there were so many wonderful encounters, I would not know who to start with.” It’s often said that we should never meet our heroes, it’s always a bit risky.

And what made you want to draw, if there was someone or something? "I've always drawn, so I will say that my story is less original than “I hit my head sliding off the toilet, I had this vision and the idea came to me... ". My first inspiration was from books I think, they made my imagination wander, an imagination that is just waiting to be translated into images." So I understand a little more about the initiative to illustrated one of our little stories. Are there illustrators that you like in particular? "There are so many! You must see the list of links on my site, it’ll be quicker. I love the critters by the late HR Giger (I’m a huge fan of Alien)."

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life. “I’m once again addicted to coffee, that's a vice but also my pleasure in the morning. I hate TV but am a knowledgeable film buff. I love traveling to scribble and take pictures. I collect Converse sneakers and I gladly travel to London when the opportunity arises." Hmmm, Carrie Bradshaw, but hates TV? I feel the debate "TV sucks but I love shows like Breaking Bad" around the corner. I will serve myself a Diet Coke and stroke my cat to calm down. Not that I'm judging anyone, I'm probably imagining all this. Which is what happens most of the time.

If you had to tell your own FML, the most FML-esque thing that has happened to you, what would it be? "I'm thinking, I'm thinking... No, nothing comes to mind right away. Oh yes! I found myself in the underground parking lot of my building without my keys, that I’d left in the elevator, itself unattainable without keys. Unable to call anyone whatsoever because I didn’t have my phone. I was forced to stick a shoe in a door, anyway, long story short... Well written, it could have been a damn good FML." Okay, told like this, it’s fine. A similar thing happened to me when staying with friends in London, the day I was leaving on the Eurostar, I said to myself, "Here, I'll take out their trash, it’s a nice thing to do on my way out." The building’s garbage cans were in the basement parking lot, which could only be unlocked with a magnetic key, so the door through which I passed was locked, I thought I was going miss the train. Fortunately, there was construction on the other side of the building, and I was able to escape through a hole. In January I’m going back there, I will pay attention to the doors this time. So, I validate your FML for having lived it too!

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? ""Hang in there, you're gonna need it!" Noooooo... You need to find your style, your world or blossom, be hard-working, observe the world as it’s very important, and you to have to accept that things change and evolve all the time." Illustration is like life. I evolve all the time too. For example, I’ve stopped cutting my toenails in the living room. Now I do it out of the window. Social progress, it's beautiful.

There, that's it for this week, and for November. Céline, thank you for coming to spew your hatred of migrants... sorry, to have done such a sensual illustration for us (the hyper racist illustration is for next week). I leave you with another song by the Buzzcocks that summarises too my love life in general, and a cat playing the Theremin. Until December, be cute, be grandiose, and dance as if all was well. And be excellent to each other, everything will be alright. I’m about 73% sure.

How about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email on [email protected], not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1559 - Illustrated FML - On 11/27/2015 at 10:30am by Alan - 4 comments

FML Pics : The top 4 pics

They say that a picture is worth a boring bunch of words thrown at you by a corporate robot. That's true. Corporate robots are the worst. Anyway, the FML Pics app is still being downloaded all over the world! We've even got users in the southern hemisphere, and rumour has it that the singer Adele used it on her latest album (probably not true though). Everyone can empathise with the crapness of the situations, a lot of us have blown a gasket in a supermarket parking lot; a lot of us have put our feet through a pane of glass while off our faces on PCP. Or maybe that's just us.

As previously, the FML app has been adding to its catalogue of pics. People have been taking more and more pictures with the app, editing them, adding the FML logo, text, writing captions, voting and commenting on each other's pics… Just like the FML app, but with pictures.

Last time, we had a hit parade of our favourite user submissions so far. We've created what we called the FML Pics Top 4 Best Pics! We mentioned that a Top 4 was weird. So, this time, it's still a Top 4. Because FML is weird and wonderful, and we don't give two hoots what people think. So here's this month's Top 4, featuring the actual FML Pics user's caption underneath each photo.


#4: So that's why they don't pay tax

"Look how well my IKEA bed was made. Flimsy cardboard."


#3: Scratch cards, not smash cards.

"Smashed the lottery case at work while putting away items."

#2: The Built to Spill remix album

"Bought a new seal joint, forgot to fit it, switched it on anyway."


#1: The saddest of them all

"Was feeling single as fuck so I decided to hold hands with mannequins
and take pictures.


So, what can you do now? Get the FML Pics app for your iPhone or iPad by clicking on the icon below of course, and then join in the fun. It's free of course, it's easy to use and we're here for any questions you may have about it. Oh, and no point using pictures from imgur or anywhere else. It's for your own pictures, not other people's.


We'll be posting more Top 4 pics in due time, so get snapping, you may be featured soon!

#1558 - About FMyLife - On 11/24/2015 at 5:26am by Alan - 11 comments

Mselle Risa's illustrated FML

Let's not kid ourselves, there’s not a great vibe at the moment, globally. It's now the weekend after last weekend, the shitty weekend, the weekend when the wheels came off in Paris. Life goes on though. If we stopped publishing, if we stopped having fun, if we hid ourselves, if we were constantly afraid, if we cried non-stop, it would mean that the idiots would’ve have won. That’s not going to happen, folks. So, here we are again with a brand new illustrated FML. Usually, FMLs is the day to day crap that makes you laugh, something that you can imagine living yourself. We will try to forget about the unimaginable, just so we can present the artist of the week. "Talking about something else doesn’t mean we stop thinking about it, MOFO" - Sophie Marie Larrouy. Come on, let’s do this.


"Strangely, I prefer chips to cookies, but if I had to choose a brand, I'd pick the classic chocolate ones from Lu."

Autoportrait Mselle par Risa

This week Raïsa is with us for the ride. This young lady is rather mysterious because I don’t know how old she is. Or she just forgot to tell me. We'll call her by her nickname, Mselle Risa.

Her info:
Age: No idea
Location: Internet
Website: Her blog
Her illustrated FML: The short one

Mselle Risa contacted us some time ago with a well enthusiastic email. At the time, we were wary about agreeing because we were not sure how she would go about interpreting an FML, but we had been wrong to even doubt her talent for interpretation. Her illustrated VDM is rather clever and cute. And that's what we need right now, cute things. Kittens, candy and hugs. Speaking of which, this morning I was on the verge of offering to hug the girl who works in the bakery opposite my building (the one for which I have a boundless, unconditional love, albeit a secret one) due to the world being a shithole, and that we have to seize all opportunities to share moments of tenderness. Then I realised it was 7:15 a.m., I still probably stank of the previous night’s cheap wine, and she certainly doesn’t share this attraction, or desire to share tender moments. So I took my sandwich and I scuttled off without saying anything. Anyway, I digress.

Who is Mselle Risa? What is she up to ? “At the moment, I’ve decided to work while waiting to retake my accountancy degree. I've always loved to draw, but due to lack of time, I started to neglect my passion. This year is THE year I stop finding excuses. Before I was a little piece shit, drowned in piss-flavoured sorrow due to my degree failure. But now I am reborn ... I would say, I feel "Let it goooooo, let it gooooo“ (big up Elsa). Ok, I’ll get my coat." I said that if I heard a reference to that song one more time, I scream a scream of hatred and despair. I just did, I shouted, “WHAT IS LOVE? BABY DON’T HURT ME” out my window. But seriously? "No seriously. That's why I decided to create my blog and my Facebook page. A big step for me. In short, to answer your question, I can manage things and do whatever what I want. Take more time to draw, practise so I don’t lose my touch." Practise makes perfect. Or is that plastic surgery? Nah, have you seen those people?

What do you like about what you do? "Knowing that for once, this is my own little universe. Having this sense of control. "I've got the power", as my friend Jim Carrey would say.” Wait, what? Jim Carrey? What a younger person’s mistake. I’m an old fart, I'll educate you. It comes from "The Power" by Snap. What a great song, so many memories of not scoring with girls with that playing in the background. "What I do, what I create, it all belongs to me and I cherish this power. I draw for me. How cool is that? You know, that moment when you have an idea, you get to transcribe it perfectly on paper. And finally, for a moment you giggle like a fool while drawing? That’s what I love. From the moment my own drawings make me laugh, I know I’ll be able to communicate that to at least one other person." The pleasure of making people laugh, I know that desire and heady rush. It’s a personal pleasure, too, although I prefer to do it via words and Facebook statuses for the moment! And what you need to complete your happiness? "Oh god, a drawing tablet! Thanks to Christmas and the generosity of others, which I hope will be huuuuge and my own money of course, my goal will be achieved. At the moment I'm working by scanning my stuff, but it would be a real plus to have a small tablet. I already idealise it in its bassinet. Yes, I said bassinet." I hope you get it. And while we’re on the subject, I would like as a gift a whole bunch of money. Lots of money to go on vacation. And buy me a giant cat tree thing.

What’s your news then? “I’m just starting to find a good rhythm for my illustrations. I have to feed my baby blog. So for my news, I will say my blog. There may not be many items, but everything is homemade with love, all sprinkled with humour." And your projects, apart from your blog fed with love and humour? “Publish a comic book. 5 years ago, a crazy idea, which should have remained a joke amongst other people, took shape on paper. When I'm done and I feel ready to share, I'd really like to publish it. This is one of my main goals, if not my dream. Although, it’s a dream, it doesn’t mean that I’ll succeed... I know that drawing isn’t my profession, I’m not an illustrator, I have no training as such, but it does not undermine my resolve. And also, maybe nobody will engage with the story. But never mind, I must do it, even if it comes out when I’m 100. Yes, I also plan to live a long life." I don’t recommend it. My grandmother is 97 years old and she complains about it. She bored, and will say so to anyone who will listen. So I guess we might as well eat badly and booze away.



What made you want to draw, at the outset? "My big brother. I was 6 years old when my brother amused himself by copying Dragon Ball Z, to draw Goku. The girls in Nicky Larson. Me, like a sheep, did the same. It started like that. And so on for all the cartoons I saw." This seems to be the right school for learning how to draw for a lot of illustrators.

Your little pleasures in life? "I love cooking and eating. A perfect combination. Those who know me know that I love snacking. Watching TV shows and reading books. Making origami objects. But drawing remains my ultimate hobby!"

How about a personal FML if you have one? "One winter morning, (I say this because it was still dark), I left the bus to trundle to class. My eye was caught by a beautiful cat by a hedge near a store. There was nobody around, so I jumped at the chance to see him. While stroking him, I felt sorry for him, it felt from his rough fur that he’d lived for a long time in the street. Then our eyes met, and I noticed that his were all lifeless, and I realised that the cat was dead! You can imagine my scream." Ewww! That’s awful ! Yes, OK, I'm a crazy cat lady. Poor cat.

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? “You must give yourselves the means to succeed. Nothing is impossible, only limits that you impose on yourself. If you know that your artistic background is weak, draws as much as you can, to acquire a solid foundation."

There, that's it for this week. Thank you Mselle Risa for your illustrated FML, it was a pleasure to have you amongst us. Next week, it’ll the turn of a horse that paints with its tail but only if a dog is looking at him and barking. It will be fun, I promis. I leave you with a band that was little known until recently, who did an excellent cover of an excellent song by an excellent band from the ’80s. See you next week, be excellent to each other, and everything will be alright. I think. 

How about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email on [email protected], not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1557 - Illustrated FML - On 11/20/2015 at 10:50am by Alan - 1 comments